The Case of the Squirrel who Almost Croaked

It was a chilling November morning, the kind that makes you want to cozy up with a warm dame and a cup of java. The humans had just left for work, and I was alone again, with them. Those three felines that liked to give me trouble. More trouble than they were worth. I had just gone out the doggy door to take my morning patrol around the yard. I was already paranoid, it felt like one of those days when something bad was going to happen, trouble was on the wind, and had an envelope with my name on it.

After making a few rounds, I heard the chickens let out a terrible squawk. I could always depend on the backyard ladies to alert me to any suspicious happenings.

I rushed inside to find the house eerily silent, something hinky was going on. I thought about getting on the horn with the humans, but decided against it. I was going to get to the bottom of this. I wouldn’t be blamed again for one of the cat's crimes.

My name is Scud Jones, and I’m the best dang private-eye pup in town. I always get to the bottom of a case, and around here there's a lot of cases to hash out. I began my investigation; first, I surveyed the house to find what damage had been done. I checked the kitchen, everything appeared to be normal, but then out of the corner of my eye I saw the first clue. Pawprints, of the feline variety, clearly defined in some kind of white substance, leading from the baking shelf to the living room.

I took note of the evidence and proceeded to the living room, from the looks of it a struggle had occurred. The table cloth had been thrown to the floor, records were scattered everywhere, and the rug was bunched up in a heap. Looks like someone had a party, only it wasn't a gas.

I moved to the bedroom, and what I found chilled me to the bone. There on the well-made bed laid the corpse of Mr. Squirrel. He was an innocent guy, a bit shady at times, but I liked him just fine, and he didn’t deserve to die like this. I inspected the stiff, it was real clean sneak, no bean-shooter, and I didn’t see any lead. Whoever did this, used their claws.

The house was lousy with perps. I searched for the cats, and found them in all the usual spots. Lucy on the windowsill, Kimchi sleeping on a pillow, and Tig hiding under the couch. I herded them all up and took them to the living room to give them the third, I needed to get to the bottom of this before the humans came home.

The Suspects

Suspect #1

Lucy was a high-class dame who did her best to avoid the day-to-day drama of the other felines. Some might call her loner. She had a winning pair of fluffy gams, the envy of the other cats. She spent her days stretching out on any sunny spot she could find.

Suspect #2

Kimchi was a grifter. A con man who dabbled in tasty goods. He loved food, a little too much. Sometimes it got him into trouble. He passed his days chasing Tig around the house, and crying for cans of wet food.

Suspect #3

Tig was the youngest and most mischievous of the felines. Some say she was never born, just clawed her way out of the cold earth and found herself on our doorstep. A real wild kid, with a nasty addiction to plastic. Her daily routine was mysterious, she would zoom around the house destroying everything in her path, like a tornado without a heart.

The Victim

The vic was one Silas Squirrel, more widely known as Mr. Squirrel. As I found from the suspects, he was a black market trader. Dealing in kibble and catnip. His green-backs were nuts. He'd do anything to get his paws on acorns, walnuts, pecans, whatever he could get.

The Interrogation

I looked around at the suspects, waiting to see who would speak first. The cats clammed up, no one wanted to spill the beans. I dug into Kimchi, promising him a treat if he talked, the joe caved easily.

Kimchi's Testimony

Okay, okay, just throw in some minnows, and I'll talk. Lucy invited over Mr. Squirell for a little morning breakfast soiree, a real classy affair. I wasn't invited to this shindig, but I had buisness of my own with the squirell. I met him at the door while Lucy was still getting ready. We had a little exchange going, I needed some meow mix, and he needed some nuts. I told him I couldn't find where the humans had stashed the walnuts, and he told me to check out the baking shelf.

I left the living room as Lucy came in to greet Mr. Squirrel. I headed to the kitchen, searched around for awhile, and finally found the bag of nuts. All of a sudden I heard an argument break out in the living room. Startled, I knocked over a bag of flour, and that's how my footprints got everywhere. I didn't kill him, I swear! I was with Lucy. After the argument broke out I followed Lucy to find out what the fuss was. Mr. Squirrel appeared to be on his way out.

Kimchi ended his story, and I quickly chimed in.

"Okay that makes sense, you and Lucy seems to have your story straight as an ironing board, so that leaves you Tig. Spill, before I have to put the screws to you!"

Antigone's Testimony

Alright, you don't have to get all medieval, I'll tell you what happened. When Mr. Squirrel arrived, I was waiting in the shadows, spying on the two. I knew something was going down, and I wanted in on the action. I overheard Kimchi and Mr. Squirrel talking about black market goods, and I desperately needed some plastic.

I waited, and watched as Kimchi headed to the kitchen, and Lucy and Mr. Squirrel sat down to tea. Then an argument broke out, I couldn't make out what they were saying. Lucy stormed off, and Kimchi followed her. Then Mr. Squirrel headed towards the door. That was my chance.

I cornered him and said I needed to get my hands on some plastic, he said he didn't have any, but I didn't believe him for a second. I roughed him up a bit, I had to. We had a little scuffle on the table, and the record player. I took the hint, he didn't have what I needed, so I let him go. He got a few scratches, but I didn't ice the guy!

"I see, I see. Okay, I suppose that explains the rough scene in the living room. Lucy speak up, what did you and the squirrel argue about? And don't gum it up, I need the hard facts here."

Lucy's Testimony

Well, I guess you'll want me to start at the beginning. Silas and I used to be enemies. I would chase him around the yard, until one day I finally caught up to him. I had him in my clutches, and almost killed him too, but he was a real sweet talker. He convinced me to spare his life, and we became fast friends, real chummy.

I invited him over this morning for a peaceful tea party, I didn't know he was a black market dealer, but he was a real souse. I guess he must have had too much giggle juice, because he tried to kiss me out of nowhere; and I didn't take kindly to his offer. I told him we were just pals, and he got angry. He started calling me names, and I told him to scram!

That's when I stormed into the other room, and Kimchi followed to try and console me. Obviously I didn't hurt him, he was my friend. Or I thought he was.

The cats looked at me expectantly, as if I had all the answers. All they had given me was peanuts, I had no clue who actually killed Mr. Squirrel. My first suspicion was Tig, she had roughed him up pretty good, but it was a bum-rap, she was just the usual patsy.

Kimchi could have killed him and made off with his entire meow mix stash, but he had found the walnuts, there was no reason to take out the squirrel. Also I didn't think the big lug had it in him to kill, he was a real sweetheart.

Lucy was the least likely, yet she had mentioned almost killing Mr. Squirrel when they first met, maybe she got angry at his name calling and decided to take him out once and for all.

I told the crew to sit tight, I needed to investigate the crime scene further, check for more clues. I headed back to the bedroom, and stood shocked in the doorway, letting out a loud howl. The squirrel was gone! I heard a chorus of meows from the living room, and ran back to the cats to see what the big deal was.

"It's Silas, he's alive! He stole my prized catnip mouse and is making a getaway!" Lucy cried.

Sure enough the blasted squirrel was in the yard carrying a sack of swag. Silas had been made, and was on the lam. But I'd catch up to him fast. When I was done with him, he'd sing alright. I ran out the doggy door and was quick on his tail. I caught him by the nape of his neck, and dragged him back to the house, along with the bag of stolen goods.

I carried him into the living room, I wanted to put on a real show for the felines. I had my paw on his neck.

"You better start talking before I make you bite the linoleum."

"Okay, I'll confess! I'll tell you why I did it. The day Lucy almost killed me, I swore my revenge on her, but when I got to know the gal, she was a real fine lady. I decided to marry her instead."

Mr. Squirrel looked pleadingly at Lucy, but she was a cold glass of water.

"When I tried to kiss her, she turned me down, and I got so angry. I decided to fake my own death, knowing you would investigate, and I'd have time to gather all the goods and skedaddle."

His confession was cut short by the sound of the doorknob turning, the humans were back. Me and the three cats looked up at our humans with guilty faces. In all the excitement of the interrogation, I forgot about the big mess. One of the humans yanked the squirrel from me, and put him back with the other toys. I howled again, I wasn't done with that traitor.

When the humans noticed the messy living room and the spilled flour and nuts, we were in big trouble. Me, most of all. That's the last time I investigate those dang felines, I always get blamed for their crimes. I was tired after a long day of investigating, and cozied back up into the warm bed I never should have left this morning.