THE BM Whisperer

What can I say about Crystal?

Let’s just start by saying, Crystal holds her BM’s until I get home. That’s right. Whether it be an 8-hour day or a 10-hour day, I am confronted each day that I return from work with the judgmental look of a dog that says, “it’s about time you get home.”

Now mind you, most people brag about dogs being man’s best friend; you know the one you can count on not to judge you when the world does? Well, sorry, people. Crystal is extremely judgmental.

She has several expressions that I’ve defined as Crystalisms. When I get dressed to the nines and head out for a night on the town, she looks at me like she’s not impressed by my outfit. I’ll ask, “ hey Crystal, how does this look. She’ll give me a blank stare and retreat to her bed. The first time she did this, I contemplated changing my dress until I realized that would be a bit crazy.

My daughter and I attended a trunk or treat, and we dressed for the occasion. I dressed as a scarecrow, and my daugher dressed as a crow. We decided to dress Crystal as a pumpkin. Crystal didn’t want to be a pumpkin – at least not a pumpkin with a stem. I had a stem hat made, and Crystal wasn’t having it.

Every time we put the hat on, she turned over to remove it. I then decided to put a bow in her head instead…..well, she wasn’t having that either. So I took some temporary hair color and painted the top of her hair brown. Ha, Ha!

Usually, Crystal is pretty quiet – you wouldn’t even know we have a pet until we get on Zoom calls.

Apparently, she is fascinated by the gallery view and wants to jump in my lap to greet people talking on the screen. I've had to resort to closing my office door and not allowing her to attend the meetings. On one particular call, it ran rather long, and I could hear her outside the door. I was muted and trying to console her that I would soon emerge from the room. Since I started to feel sorry for her, I opened the door, and she, of course, comes in to position herself so she could see the screen. By this time, I’ve mastered virtual backgrounds, so Crystal was not as apparent in the background. It was as if I was a trapeze artist trying to navigate the meeting and another bout of Crystalisms.

There are times when I know she reincarnates behaviors that she knows are upsetting to us. My spouse started feeding her spaghetti (something I would never give her). When I explained that spaghetti was not great for a dog, he agreed not to give her spaghetti again. Well, the next time we had spaghetti, Crystal came into the kitchen because the aroma alerted her that one of her favorite meals was about to be served. When the meal was done, she was not given a plated dinner (yes, my husband plated her meal). When I prepared her meal, she sniffed her plate and followed me into the dining room, where she watched us eat for the next 30 minutes. Once she realized she was not getting spaghetti, she returned to her small plate and turned it over. She quietly retreated to her bed and refused to eat. I was determined that no hunger strike would make me buckle. A few hours went by and she had still not eaten.

I told my husband we would wait out this latest temper tantrum. I went to bed. In the morning, I awakened to find that she had still not eaten her food.

After a few hours I realized that she looked too relaxed to not have eaten for that length of time. I knew then that someone was afoot. The kids said nothing, and neither did my husband. After about 5 or so hours, I asked who had given her spaghetti.

My son said we didn’t give her spaghetti; we gave her a Big Mac.

So now you can see how our lovely little animal is in complete control of our household. I’d keep writing, but Crystal is looking at me because it’s time for her BM.