The Audacious Alice

“Bat cat to Fluff ball; Bat cat to Fluff ball, come in Fluff ball.” “I repeat: Bat cat to Fluff ball; Bat cat to Fluff ball. Do you read?”

SILENCE…

“Jiminy crickets! Bat cat to Fluff ball, come in Fluff ball. The humans are asleep: Operation Catnip is a go.”

MOVEMENT BELOW

Well, he certainly doesn’t know how to pick up his radio but I see some movement from up here on my tower. I have been patiently waiting for hours for the family to settle into their beds and go to sleep so I (I mean we) can enjoy a most delectable treat. Apparently, mother did not put the lid on the catnip securely after giving us a miniscule excuse of a treat earlier. This is a most opportune occasion and I do not intend to miss out due the laziness of that other cat. I mean really, all he does is sleep the entire day away except for his routinely timed trips to the food bowl, water fountain and cat box. Yes, I clock everything in this house and he really needs a bit of motivation in his life. One mention of food gets the good old boy going and not a moment too soon. There is work to be done and not a moment to waste as surely a human will be up for a restroom trip in about an hour.

My name is Alice, often referred to as “dragon queen” for my attitude and “little meatloaf” since my increased appetite and subsequent weight increase after being fixed a couple of years ago. My companion’s name is Max and although he is a simpleton he is my friend and partner in crime. I am the brains and he is the brawn. I do the plotting and he does my bidding; what a perfect pair we are! I can jump real high and get anywhere I wish while ditzy boy doesn’t do a lot of jumping. Sometimes I think that guy is afraid of his own shadow, but I digress. I must tell you about the plan I had all day to devise, the plan that will get us our catnip in portions that only a cat can truly appreciate.

In a few minutes I will jump down from my tower and bubble brain and I will begin our journey to the kitchen pantry. It is dark in the apartment but this is ok. Cats have self-equipped night vision so no goggles will be necessary on this mission. There are no dogs or any other pets; just Max & I. We do not need to formulate any type of enemy attack plan. The terrain is all in the clear. No one will intercept our mission. The humans are all sound asleep. If we just walk side by side, light footed yet with a little pep in our steps, we will reach the pantry undetected. This is where my agility will come into play. I will jump from the kitchen table adjacent to the pantry and topple over one Tupperware container. At this time the only task that ding dong has is to pry the top off the rest of the way, as I previously mentioned it was not secured completely. Max’s nails are a bit longer than mine and he is stronger. This shall be successful as catnip is his favorite treat. He enjoys it even more than I do, truthfully.

This is when the real fun begins. We will celebrate our victory; devouring the nip together in perfect harmony. What a feast it will be! Mother only gives it to us on occasion and in small quantities, thinking that we become much too hyper. It is so unfair but luckily she wasn’t mindful when she put the Tupperware away last evening after giving us a tease of a delicacy. I was spying on her from the kitchen and took note of the open end. I knew she was far too busy and distracted by the children to realize her mistake. This will prove to be most fortuitous for the old boy and I. We will feast like we never have before. Max will become giddy and begin rolling around in the catnip; high as a kite. Soon thereafter he will roll onto his back with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and just lay there. I will patiently wait until this moment; then and only then will I move on to part B of my plan. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, while bozo lies in his state of lunacy I have more to accomplish. This is what is called a ruse.

I will quickly run to the living room. The Christmas tree went up early this year and the ornaments are much too tempting to just let them hang there undisturbed. I must joggle the base of the tree. Oh, how those shiny bulbs dangling before me must come down. One by one I will dismantle them. With a tap of my paw the descent will commence. This is such a delight for me. I can hear them now hitting the wood floor. The plinking sound as each one makes contact with the ground makes me tap faster. I want to knock as many as I can down before the inevitable: a human awakes!

With lightning speed I will jolt from under the Christmas tree back up to the top of my tower. My poor companion will still be in the kitchen; delusional and still on his back. The mission was a success but leaving a comrade behind is against protocol. He will forgive me, however, never forgetting the time of indulgence in his favorite pastime besides sleeping. When mother comes out of her room she will notice Max first. She will laugh uncontrollably since he is such a doofus that his indiscretions will be seen as cute. By the time she discovers my rearrangement of the ornaments, she won’t be able to scold me. Mother knows that this is always my doing but her mood will be too light to chastise me. She will simply put the ornaments back on the tree and go to sleep.

I know what you are thinking: that I am self-centered and selfish. Possibly so but I am a cat. We do things by our own set of rules despite what the humans say. They think they are so smart but I always have a way around things. I have the audacity to bend things to suit my needs. I love my buddy Max but it isn’t my fault that he isn’t the brightest light bulb. We actually have many sentimental moments together. We cuddle often and play but there are boundaries. I have the nickname “dragon queen” for a reason, you know. The truth is I am in control here, more than anyone could possibly know. I manipulate things in a manner that is as fine as art. Now that you have heard my plot it is time for me to jump down from this tower and move forward with operation: Catnip.