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Southern Hospitality

Interview with a Basset

By Donovan BarlowPublished 4 years ago 6 min read
3
Quick Photo Op

It's a beautiful sunny day in South Carolina, the birds are chirping, the dogs are barking... literally, at this very moment, at the deer walking off away from the driveway. However, not all of them are participating in this grand scheme for territorial dominance, instead I look over and see, my beautiful, five-year-old, baby staring at me with wonderous eyes. I immediately compliment her and give her a quick neck rub, as she stares and her tail subconciously wags. As my hand reaches for my phone, I realize... Oh. My. God... My dog is the most beautiful, four legged, creature, I, have ever laid eyes on. I quickly asked for a photo and she happily obliged. It is here, right now, that I'd like to introduce you to my family's beautiful, southern bell Basset Hound, Clementine.

Since she's a MAJOR character in this story of love and companionship, it would be unjust for me to create this story without her help. We sat and pondered on exactly what we would do? What would we say? How would people react? So many questions, so little time... Until finally, IT HIT US! She stared and groaned but I quickly caught on... Why not conduct an interview?

You had me at Bark!

So, without further disruption and barking... I present to you... Interview with a Basset...

DB: Before we start, I just want to say, what a pleasure it is to finally have a heart to heart. We finally get the answers to the questions, that all dog owners want to know. So, I’ll give you the floor and let you introduce yourself.

Clem: It would be my pleasure. First, I just want to say thank you for having me. We've got Sweet Tea and Pimento Cheese sandwiches out by the pool, if you get hungry. So, my name is Oh, my darling, Clementine Barlow-Snelgrove. I’m originally from Charlotte, North Carolina but have taken to my southern roots more, down in South Carolina.

DB: South Carolina? That's a beautiful place. What’s your favorite and least favorite things about it?

Clem: Well, my least favorite is most certainly, the Gamecocks. My favorite part is the near, unlimited amounts of Sun a girl can get, whilst laying out by the pool. Are you a Gamecocks fan?

Just soaking up sun with my girls!

DB: No, I’m not. I love The Ohio State Buckeyes.

Clem: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Seems like momma still has some work to do with your taste.

DB: Aren’t you an Alabama fan though?

Clem: Hot doggie, I am! ROLL-TIDE!

DB: Yeah. Okay. Moving on… What are some of your favorite hobbies?

Clem: Let’s see… Favorite hobbies… Well, I love a good scraps grab. Once it hits the floor, that’s my domain. So, one of my favorite hobbies is accompanying my papa into the kitchen, anytime he cooks. He truly knows the way to a gal’s heart.

DB: Thank you. I try my best.

Clem: Also, you know… My taller kin, the Blood Hounds, they’re so damn energetic. Honey, ain’t nobody got time for that! I’ll be the first to say, there isn’t a thing you could give me that outweighs, a good nap.

Momma and Papa gave me my own NAP CHAIR!

DB: You can say that again. So, what was your childhood like? Do you remember much of that?

Clem: Of course! I will say, my childhood was amazing.

DB: It seems like it, we were given this photo from when you were a puppy…

Pup Clem!

DB: Does it bring back memories?

Clem: Look at my earssssss! Do you know, I used to trip over my ears so much, when I was a puppy? I felt like that little elephant, Dumbo. Just small body. Giant ears. Listen, these ears can mop up the floors, okay?

DB: Oh, I believe you! Your mother and I have seen what those ears can take hold of. All Basset owners know, those ears need a good cleaning, at LEAST once a day.

Clem: And we LOVE neck rubs! SO MANY NECK RUBS! Endless neck rubs. Just don’t ever stop rubbing our necks. We don’t want head pats. We only want NECK RUBS…

DB: I see. So those—

Clem: And treats! Don’t forget treats. The chocolate chip cookie dog treats. You know the ones.

DB: So, neck rubs and treats? Anything else?

Clem: Yes sir… Those two things should do it. Actually, add cuddles to the list as well! Us hounds are treat driven okay? So, if you really want us to listen… You’d better offer us some delicious snacks, in return for our obedience.

DB: Since you put it that way, you told me before the interview that you enjoy walks? Let's take it outside.

Our conversation was enlightening!

Clem: We can certainly take this on the road, now I wouldn’t say enjoy walks… but nothing like getting out and enjoying nature. Nose to the ground. Ears pushing all of those different scents into my nostrils. If I could just lock in on...

DB: The Hounds have the best noses out of any dog.

Look at that nose!

Clem: That’s right! My Blood Hound family are world renowned detectives, having the best nose in the dog world. We’re a close second, I believe. Once we lock in on a scent, we’re liable to run off, so, it’s best to have TONS of treats, for continued corporation.

DB: If you were a human, what would your profession be?

Clem: Nurse. Easy. My momma deals with Migraines and when papa is working, I’m always there to take care of her. Whatever she needs… within reason, since I’m a dog and all. I try and give her that.

DB: That’s beautiful. I’m sure your parents appreciate all of your help… Let’s take a quick pause for a snack break, we will bring our interview to a close with one final question. What’s the best thing about being a dog?

Clem: I’ve been waiting on you to ask me that! Obviously, it’s having a loving family. Through the best of times and the worst of times, my family is so full of love and compassion, I don’t think there’s a greater love in the world. Unless you say, that a dog loves more than a human does.

Cuddle Session!

DB: Please explain.

Clem: Well, us dogs depend on humans. For everything. To feed and water us. To bathe us. To walk us. To play with us and the list goes on. Dogs bond with their owners, creating an invisible soul bond, where we love and protect you until we can no longer do so. When you’re sad, we’re sad. When you’re happy, we’re happy. We mirror your emotions, so when you love us… we love you back and since you’re all we have… All of our love goes to you. So, if you’re lucky enough to have a dog, love them. Cherish them because that’s all anyone wants. Unless you’re a cat person, then well… My papa had a cat once and it seems like it was a well-rounded relationship. So, love a cat or two. Just don’t be excessive because you know, cats—

DB: OKAY. Well, it looks like our time is up. Clementine, thank you so much for taking time out of your nap schedule to speak with us. I love you. You’re the best dog, in all the land and we don’t know what we would do without you. These first five years of your life have gone by so quickly, but we will do our best to continue creating wonderful, everlasting memories. Covid has us stuck in the house, but at least we’re the luckiest, to have been stuck in the house with you.

satire
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About the Creator

Donovan Barlow

Screenwriter, Father, King of the pirates, Demogorgon Killer, and The People’s Champion (Sorry Rock)

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