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Puppy-gram

The real pandemic of 2020.

By ColemanPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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I love dogs. I have a dog myself, a rescue named Gunnar. He's an asshole. I still love him though. I would do anything for Gunnar, except one thing. I would never, even if my life depended on it, make an Instagram account for him.

I'm sure you've seen a few pop up on your timeline. Someone just got a new puppy, and a single post on their own account just isn't enough. No, a whole page dedicated to their new puppy is necessary for the owner to try and shove their new found love down your throat. Generally, these pages don't last long, maybe a week or two, before the owner forgets about it. Not the dog. The Instagram account. I felt like I needed to make that clear.

There is no mystery as to why these pages disappear. A 20 some year old college girl gets her first golden retriever puppy, keeps it in her studio apartment, thinks it's so cute, and eventually realizes that owning a dog is a massive responsibility. What did you think would happen Ashley? The puppy would feed itself and NOT shit on your carpet? Once new owners realize that being responsible for another living thing is more than playing fetch with it, a dedicated Instagram account takes the back seat.

Nonetheless! People keep making these pages. If you've ever met one of these poor pups, you know how big of a train wreck the whole operation is. The owner can't control the pup, the pup is choking itself with its leash, and both of them have the attention span of a goldfish. Maybe owners need to spend more time housebreaking their pups instead of taking their 100th picture of the dog chewing on a tennis ball.

Pages like these have been around since the invention of the internet, and I wouldn't be surprised if someone in the 50's was writing a weekly column about their new dog. Some things just never go away. They do change, though. And what the great year of 2020 has changed for these pages is not bringing us enjoyable content. No, 2020 has brought us pages featuring all of the creatures on God's green earth. I'm talking iguanas, guinea pigs, snakes, alligators, ferrets, and even bears. Come on folks, we've all seen The Tiger King, we know how this ends. As seeing owners showcasing how they can't raise a puppy on their own, now we're bringing rodents and reptiles and predators into the mix? Figure it out.

Not gonna lie, seeing some dude in Alaska eat lunch with his bear is pretty cool the first time, but after seeing him nearly get his arm ripped off for the third time this week, I think we need to make a change. Then we have the people with boring animals making pages. We get it. Your hamster roams your house at will in a plastic ball. Crazy.

This being said, there are two Instagram pages I follow that are pup features, Loki and Callie. "You're such a hypocrite," yeah well these dogs actually have content to provide me with even the slightest bit of entertainment, as opposed to your puppy farmed lab that still shits on the couch. Loki is a page that showcases the owner's travels throughout the U.S. through the eyes of their dog. Your dog can't even make it to the dog park without losing its mind. Callie is the only search and rescue dog in the Department of Defense. Has your dog served our country? Or is he just taking shits on public sidewalks? Thought so. There was another I followed, Joker, a police pup that wore funny hats all the time. Good content, gooder boy.

So if I haven't made it clear at this point, nobody gives two shits about your barely domesticated shiatzu, and we sure as hell don't need to be bombarded with 20 pictures a day of it. So cut the shit, take your dog on a hike, and maybe try to teach it their name.

Coleman, out.

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About the Creator

Coleman

"Why so serious?" - The Joker

Firm believer that people take everything too seriously, and we'd all be a lot better off if we stopped and laughed at ourselves once in a while.

If you're offended by my work, I won't apologize.

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