On Love and Loss

I remember the day that I brought you home. You were so small, yet so full of life.

From the moment I saw you I knew you were the one for me.

Out of all the kittens sitting in the shelter that day, you were the only one that asked for my touch.

While the other cats sat around unbothered by my gaze, you came up to the glass, asking for pets that I could not yet give.

“This is the one” I thought as I looked at your card. Charm. Hmm. What an interesting name for a cat.

6 months old. Ready to be given love and friendship and a forever home. With me.

I immediately called the number on the card, asking you to be brought home to me. They made me wait until the next day, and I never stopped thinking of you during the hours we were apart.

Talking with the woman who ran the shelter, I learned you had a very troubled past.

Your previous owners threw you out of a moving truck, dumped onto the side of the road like a piece of garbage.

Maybe that’s why you hate car rides so much. It was no small task getting you to get into your carrier every time you needed to go to the vet. Yet, we persisted, and you knew I was not going to leave you stranded like those before.

From the day I brought you home, you become my little buddy. It was an instant love connection that only got stronger the days we were together.

Boy, did you follow me everywhere. And yes, I mean everywhere. I always had to leave the door open when I went to the bathroom to avoid your tiny meows outside the door until I returned.

Everything we did was an adventure. Getting up to get a snack? Let’s go! Going to the bedroom to get a sweater? Count me in!

You had to come with me wherever I went in the house, and although it was annoying at first, it became my favorite thing over the almost 4 years we were together.

When you started to get sick, I’ll admit I didn’t think anything was wrong at first.

Yes, you were a little overweight. But I didn’t care. So, when you started to lose weight, I didn’t think much of it. If anything, I was happy that you were getting back down to a normal weight.

Then it didn’t stop. Quickly, almost all at once, you lost a lot of weight. Your appetite decreased, and we blamed it on a new food we had given you to try.

And then you got even worse. One night, I was sitting in my room calling around because you weren’t acting right.

“Baby, baby, baby!!!” I hear my boyfriend yell from the living room, his voice sounding so panicked that I knew something was seriously wrong.

I run to his voice to find you lying on the ground, shaking uncontrollably. I scream. I drop to the ground.

I don’t know what to do. But I try and calm you and get it to stop, whatever it was.

The next 3 hours go by in a blur. Crying, calling, more crying, more calling. Nothing is working.

By this point, you’ve gotten 10000x worse. The doctors are saying your liver is failing. That treatment is expensive, and chances of survival are slim.

I know what needs to be done, but I don’t want to do it. I look at my boyfriend, and we both know what the answer is: we need to put you to sleep.

Making that decision was the hardest decision of my life. But you were in so much pain, I couldn’t let you suffer any longer than you already have.

I know what I did was right. But the pain I feel hurts so much. You were gone so fast; it is unfair that your life was taken away how it was.

Coming home without you felt unreal. It was as if all the joy in my life had gone. We had so little time together. Only a few short years. But those were some of the best years of my life.

To my sweet, sweet, Charm:

I am so, so sorry I couldn’t save you. I really, really tried and did everything I can to get you better, but some say you were too far gone to have made a difference.

I am sorry I let it get that bad in the first place. I didn’t see all the warning signs, and I didn’t know how to help.

You truly were the greatest little kitty I could have asked for. My little shadow, following me around and letting me know I am not alone.

I originally got you because I had no friends and lived by myself and needed a companion. What I didn’t anticipate was getting a cat that would become my best friend and love me just as much as I loved you.

The house feels so empty without you now. I keep waiting to see you wandering into my room when I’m lying in bed or following me to the bathroom door like you so loved to do. I keep waiting to see your ears pop up by the couch, waiting to jump up and cuddle as I watch TV.

All that is gone now. And my heart feels like it has a giant crater right in the center.

There is no animal that could ever replace you. You truly are one of a kind, and the best companion I have ever had.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever. I miss you so much my little Chimmy baby. I can’t wait for us to be reunited again, and I hope you have a great time wherever you are.

Don’t forget about me, because I will never, ever forget about you. I love you to the moon and back and cannot wait for the day we are reunited.

Rest in peace my Chimmy. You will be so dearly missed.