Omar's Diary to July 5, 2019

Being a keen observer of what servants refer to as ‘the media’ I am acutely aware that there are two members of their species applying for the role of ‘Servant to Larry the Downing Street Feline’.

The front runner in this selection procedure is someone named as Boris Johnson. He is an ex journalist. He is an ex Foreign Secretary, which is the British equivalent of the American office of Secretary of State. He is an ex husband. Ex this and ex that combined with his reputation as a bit of buffoon does not bode well for his ability to be a reliable servant for Larry. And it has been reported by both tabloids and broadsheets that he has had some domestic issues involving the police on one occasion. The process of selection enters it final stages this week, as part of the electorate vote for who they want to be Larry’s next servant. What I feel about how undemocratic this whole process is, is that Larry does not get a vote in this process, despite being the one who will be most affected by any change.

Man Servant thinks that this front running candidate is only applying for the position to be able to live in a house provided by public funding in central London, and not because he really wants to look after Larry.

I can only hope that whoever is selected to be Larry’s new servant will pay heed to Edmund Burke’s (1729-1797) when he said:

‘To bring the dispositions that are lovely in private life into the service and conduct of the commonwealth’.

The invitation to Larry to live here at Omar Towers in the heart of the Hampshire countryside is still open if he feels the need to escape.

On Thursday I thought Larry had finally replied to my correspondence. A high quality buff envelope, just like the ones used by the occupants of Downing Street, was delivered.

Alas, it was not. Instead it was a letter from one of my regular correspondents. In fact he is my only correspondent and lives in Aberdeen. The letter was very interesting to read as the correspondent is on the final stage of his studies for an Msc in a subject relevant to the oil and gas industry. It is so nice to receive a letter prepared on a manual typewriter these days. One can feel the indentations where the servant has pressed a key too hard, sometimes puncturing the paper, especially with punctuation marks.

One part of the letter especially caught my attention. The correspondent mentioned what sounded like ‘Von Mices stress analysis’. Not that I hunt mice very much these days, but I was intrigued to find out more. Unfortunately, I misheard Man Servant and it was actually ‘Von Mises stress analysis the correspondent was mentioning. Suffice to say it is a very high level mathematical model developed by servants to assess how different materials under stress change their behaviour. All very complex, and most likely less difficult to understand than why felines seem to have better access to healthcare than their servants.

Manual typewriters do not have any spell check facility like computers. My correspondent wanted to type ‘sector’ but that was left on the page as ‘secotr’. He also suffered ‘loses’ instead of ‘losses’. Man Servant is researching a piece about the equine Rainbow and her laminitis’. He was preparing an email to the vets asking for some information on the subject such as x-rays and a technical explanation of what it is. The email system did not recognize ‘laminitis’ and instead offered ‘Islamist’. It is jolly lucky he double checked the email before sending it as the vets would have been very concerned and confused.

I have fully recovered from the scale and polish procedure I underwent last Friday, and would like to thank my loyal readers for all their messages of support, which aided my recovery.

That recovery was disturbed last Saturday as my Servants invited ‘trade’ into Omar Towers without my consent. By the way the tape measure was being wielded along walls, across floors, and with talk of walls coming down, it sounds like there is going to be major disruption here in the near future. Unsurprisingly I became most concerned about what the impact would be on the quiet life Mitzy and I have here. It was actually causing me some stress, and I wondered what my results would be under the ‘Von Mises stress analysis’. Would my behaviour change? Would my shape change? These thoughts fully occupied my mind between meals and Dreamies.

Relief from the stress came yesterday when I heard Lady Servant booking Mitzy and I into a cat hotel in their ‘Royal Suite.

I do hope it lives up to its name.

And I do hope that by the time Mitzy and I return to Omar Towers that all the work has been completed and the ‘trade’ have gone. Otherwise I will be writing to Larry asking if we could move in with him until things settle down here. On second thought, perhaps not. Just in case his expected new servant lives up to his media reputation, and during a bout of his buffoonery forgets to feed his masters or the police are called in response to a domestic incident that disturbs the neighbors.

No, for all its faults, present and future, life here at Omar Towers is quite good.

Your link to Larry @ 10 Downing Street

Larry.

Your link to Von Mises mathematical model

Link.

Your link to Private Eye

Published here in the UK every two weeks @ £2. It is a satirical magazine from which no one in public life is safe.