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If Animals Could Talk...

Just Imagine...

By Halden MilePublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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A primate shows off his signature teeth.

I am quite certain people have asked themselves from time to time about what if animals could talk. Seriously, suppose for one second animals gained the ability to speak. What would they tell us? How would we respond? The conversations about humankind and animals would be astounding. The pluses would be people would have a better understanding of their pets and the lives of their pets.

Just imagine for one second a conversations between humans and their pets.

Conversation #1:

HUMAN: Hey Fido!

DOG: Hey, whats up my Human?

HUMAN: Did you have a good day today?

DOG: Yeah. I barked at people and the cat. Then I just sat by the window. What about your day?

HUMAN: Well, I went to work, made money, got cussed at by other humans, and barked at by another dog, then got stuck in traffic...

DOG: I ought to set that mutt in their place! Nobody barks and my human and gets away with it!

Conversation #2:

HUMAN: Hey, Tabby... wait... WHAT IS THAT SMELL!?

CAT: Hooman!! You forgot to change my litter... AGAIN!

HUMAN: Tell me you did not just leave a load on the carpet!!

CAT: Well, its your fault!

HUMAN: Fine, I will do better next time!

CAT: Can I at least ask you something?

HUMAN: -cleaning the pet mess- What do you want now!?

CAT: What in the hell is with that strange porcelain chair filled with water in that one room?

HUMAN: That is our answer to your litter box.

CAT: In that case, can I use that thing instead? Moving dirt rocks around to hide my leavings just isn't cutting it.

HUMAN: Only if you promise to flush.

CAT: How do I do that?

HUMAN: Use the handle.

CAT: Okay.

The conversations do not have to be limited to pets. I can only fathom the types of things farm animals would say if they knew for certain their fate. If it were the case that animals could indeed converse with humans, then it's possible to assume that the events portrayed in George Orwell's Animal Farm would become a dark reality. Just imagine for a second a news article which may go as follows:

"FARM ANIMALS CONTINUE THEIR PROTEST FOR SURVIVOR'S RIGHTS"

The Association of the Advancement of Animal Kind, or the A.A.A.K, continues their protest in the way of survivor's benefits for their kinfolk from their Human Masters.

"It's abysmal how the Humans refuse to cater to our loved ones!" Billy Bull, leader of the A.A.A.K. said to us. "We give our lives to ensure humanity is fed, which in itself is a noble cause, but the least the Humans could do is care for the ones we leave behind."

A.A.A.K, which was founded by Billy Bull and various other cattle, poultry, and swine, have taken it upon themselves to speak out in defense of their kinfolk and family. They feel that humans have an obligation to care for their remaining families. Which A.A.A.K. feels is not being fulfilled.

John Porker, a massive boar, joined A.A.A.K right after his mate had given birth to twelve little piglets. He has come to terms with his own end, but not the idea of his mate and their piglets not having him to support them. Therefore, Porker believes the humans need to compensate for his eventual slaughter.

"I have accepted the fact I will end up as slices of bacon on some human's plate, but I believe some of the proceeds from my demise should at least provide for my mate and her little piglets. Yeah, I will be dead, but at least my family will be looked after!"

So far, neither human representatives nor A.A.A.K. have come to an agreement. Still Billy Bull has high hopes that humans will come to the negotiating table sooner than later.

"It's only a matter of time," the massive bovine commented on the circumstances, "Once the humans come to understand our plight, they will be willing to talk. So far, our movement has gained a lot of human sympathizers. Some have either agreed to care for those we leave behind. Others have given up on meat entirely. Either way, it's a waiting game to see which side will give in."

We'll just have to wait and see."

Oh, and it would not stop there either! If animals did speak as humans, we would see either sharks condemning the Discovery Channel for their (for a lack of motjuste), "racist" or "inaccurate," demanding a boycott on such programs for depicting such "stereotypical" sharks. Then, one would have to contend with Whales, Dolphins, Octopuses, and the entirety of oceanic life marching to the United Nations insisting the human nations clean up the oceans. Perhaps penguins and polar bears arguing in support of climate change? As for endangered animals, you would most likely see, say Tigers or orangutans, for example, taking their cases to human courts expressing the destruction of their homelands and what have you. We might see monkeys taking up arms and engaging in actual "gorilla" warfare.

Then, there is the issue of hunting and fishing. Would the deer, ducks, quail, and fish simply allow themselves to be taken up or shot for sport and food knowing there are people seeking to make food out of them? Probably not. But in that instance, I am putting my money on the humans because we have something that animals do not have. We can reason, make laws, create governments, develop technology, shelter, and inventions; we can also use spoken and written words and numbers, something animals have never mastered. Nor will they ever master because the ball is not in their court. Regardless if you believe humans were the byproduct of evolutionary process or the divine creation of a higher power, one thing is for certain, we have a lot more going for us.

Believe me, it would be one massive headache if animals did begin to speak. While it would suddenly be amazing to speak to animals and learn their opinions, there would also be the implications of various other attributes such as laws, rights, and sovereignty. It just would be too much to take. Some of it would be good, yes, but there are also drawbacks which make me thankful that animals DO NOT talk in the first place.

Another thing I just want to add: While I am no animal rights activist nor a vegan, I do believe we should not kill animals just to kill them. If Bessie the Cow is going to be made into slabs of t-bones, porterhouses, and her milk packaged and drank, let us at least use everything from her flesh for meat to her hides for clothes to her bones for glue and her milk for something to drink.

Lastly, I am not sure what to say about chickens. I will end this essay in saying fried chicken is very good though!

satire
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About the Creator

Halden Mile

I am am American actor, author, ASMRtist, Cosplayer, Novelist, Poet, and Screenwriter.

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