I Told My Cat about Vocal’s Off Leash Challenge for Dogs, and She’s Pissed!
A Conversation with Abigail
Ever since Vocal announced their Off Leash Challenge for dogs, I have been thinking about, and wondering if they would ever or have ever had a challenge specifically for cats. I didn’t tell my furry feline friend about the dog challenge right away, as I was concerned about her response. Today we had the conversation, and it went pretty much exactly as I expected it would. Below is my interview with Abigail.
Cathy: Hey Abigail, check this out. Vocal has a new challenge for people to celebrate and write about their dogs.
Abigail: What would they do that for?
C: Well it’s a new year, and we’re still in the holiday season, maybe they want something wholesome and cherry to make people smile.
A: What’s wholesome and cherry about dogs? They’re useless bags of wasted fur.
C: No they’re not! They’re beautiful, loving, and loyal. They’re wonderful pets.
A: They’re sheep.
C: What? They are not sheep, they’re dogs.
A: They don’t think for themselves, they do whatever they’re told, and they’re always chasing their humans around with their tongues hanging out. They couldn’t form an original thought if you planted one in their tiny pea brains. They’re sheep, I tell you. Listen to the sound they make even – bark, bark, bark. Remove the “rk” and what are you left with? Ba Ba Baaaaaa. They’re sheep.
C: Mei Li is a beautiful dog, and she’s not a sheep.
A: She’s a coward. She’s afraid of everything. She can’t even walk properly.
C: She’s not a coward. She’s old, and she has a bit of arthritis. She doesn’t like climbing over steps, because it’s not comfortable for her anymore. Besides, you’re the one who ran away when she came here over Christmas. So who’s the real coward?
A: I didn’t run away! I was simply trying to remove myself from the room as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t get her rancid dog smell on my luxurious coat.
C: Well, you looked pretty scared to me. Your fur was standing on end, and your tail was puffed up huge.
A: I did that on purpose! I needed to look fearsome, so she wouldn’t try to stick her cold, slimy nose up my butt again.
C: You’d probably like that.
A: You’re a disgusting pervert! I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I want to know about this challenge.
C: Do you think I should try writing a story about Mei Li.
A: I told you I don’t want to talk about her. Why would you want to write about her anyway? She’s not your pet, I am.
C: You’re not a dog, Abigail.
A: That’s right! And you should be grateful, I’m not.
A: Because I’m a cat, and cats are better.
C: I don’t know about that. Did you know that dogs are the most popular pet in the world?
A: That’s because they’re sheep.
C: This again?
A: Yes, this again, because it’s true. Cats are independent thinkers who don’t take orders, and live their lives to suit themselves. We don’t do what’s best for you. We do what’s best for us, the way nature intended.
C: Maybe that’s why humans like dogs more, because they actually listen.
A: Oh. Would this be the same humans who don’t want to listen themselves? Who don’t like being told what to do, and like to yell about freedom?
C: Ok, you got me there. That’s a good point.
A: Of course it is. Cats are very intelligent creatures, and we don’t take crap from anyone. That’s what makes us the best pets. Also, you don’t have to take us outside and carry bags to pick up our shit.
C: But I do have to scoop it out of the litter box.
A: That’s the least you can do. Be grateful we actually bury it. Dogs don’t. They just leave the big stinky pile on the lawn and kick grass over it so it’s camouflaged just enough for the humans to step in. They do that on purpose, you know.
C: They do not.
A: Yes they do! Next time you step in a pile, check if the dog is close by. I bet you’ll see a big smile on her nasty face while she’s watching you scrape it off your shoes. She’s laughing at you, you know. Ha ha.
C: You’re incorrigible
A: No, I’m adorable and you know it. That’s why you call me your little cuddle bug. That’s a really cringe name for such a regal creature as myself, by the way.
C: What would you prefer I call you?
A: Princess Abigail
C: Ok, Your Highness
A: That’s good too. I like that one.
C: So anyway, back to the dog challenge we were talking about.
A: I don’t want to talk about that. When are they doing a cat challenge?
C: I don’t know.
A: So find out.
C: I don’t know if they’re ever planning on doing a cat challenge, Abigail. Maybe they like dogs better.
A: That doesn’t make sense. They have to do a cat challenge. Lots of people love cats, and as I’ve already said, we are the better pets. We deserve our own challenge.
C: Maybe the Vocal people don’t agree.
A: Well, make them agree. Tell them they have to do a cat challenge.
C: I can’t make them do anything. They don’t take orders from me.
A: That’s because they know you’re a loser.
C: I can write a story suggesting that they do a cat challenge, if you like.
A: God, you’re such a wimp. Sit at the computer, I’ll tell you what to say.
C: I’m not sure that’s a good idea. If they heard what came out of your filthy mouth, they’d probably kick me off Vocal altogether.
A: They’re wimps like you then.
C: Behave yourself, or they won’t even publish my story.
A: I don’t care about your stupid story. Just make them do a cat challenge.
C: Ok, Your Highness, I’ll try. Hey wait. Where are you going? Get back here, I’m not finished.
A: I am. Wake me up when Vocal agrees.
This ends my interview with Abigail. I intended to make it a little longer, but she’s not interested in continuing the conversation. It seems she has a more pressing engagement – beauty sleep.