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How to Train Your Human

by James Morris 2 years ago in satire

A Cat's Guide to Running the Household


Hello. My name is Gizmo. I am a cat. And I have successfully trained my human. It was difficult at first, but with consistent training and reinforcement, I was able to train my human in only a few short days. And I am going to teach you how to train your human, as well.

It is important to remember in the preliminary stages of training your human that you remain patient and calm. Humans are genetically ignorant, and it is going to take time. If you get frustrated with you human, it is a good idea to use a toy or scratching post to relieve your stress. This way, you will appear cute and adorable, rather than mad or angry.

Here is my secret five step method to successfully training your human:

1. Take it one Goal at a Time -- You do not want to overwhelm your human by giving them too much to learn at once. My suggestion is to make a list of the goals you want your human to learn and then prioritize them. For example, I wanted to be fed when I wanted to be fed -- not when the human wanted to feed me. So, I put that on my list as a high-priority goal and worked on that with my human.

2. Use a Clear Gesture -- Like I mentioned earlier, humans are not the brightest beings on this planet. They will need to hear a meow the same way each time. Or maybe standing at a certain location each time. Something that is going to be obvious to what you want and what action they need to perform to serve you correctly. For instance, I like to go to the very top of my cat tree in the living room and stare at my human like a gargoyle. After a few minutes of them feeling guilty, the human will finally stand up and feed me.

3. Use Treats -- Unfortunately, we do not have thumbs and cannot just open a beer for our human, or poor them a glass of wine whenever they do something correctly. I have tried a couple of things: First, I tried to bring them a treat of a dead mouse. I thought they would enjoy it. But they yelled and cried. (Apparently, they are not found of dead, fuzzy treats.) I have found that simply laying on the human's lap and purring makes them happy. If you are lucky, they will even treat you with some scratches and pets. (BONUS!!!)

4. Practice, Practice, Practice -- I said it once, and I will say it again -- Humans are not that bright. You will have to be patient, you will have to be consistent, and you will have to continue to train and reinforce all the time so your human will learn what you want and what they need to do. You may learn that a certain type of training for your human works best. That will be the training you continue with. Also, remember, what works today, may not work tomorrow.

5. Take It One Day at a Time -- Training a human does not happen overnight. Be patient and consistent each day and the human will eventually learn what they need to do. Just be consistent and remember to purr every now and then – humans like that.

Training your human can be fun. It took me several days, even weeks, to get my human to learn what they needed to do to make me happy. But remember to always give them the love and reinforcement that they need, and training will not only happen more quickly, but it will happen so fast, they human may not even know they are being trained.


James Morris

I am a writer and photographer located in beautiful central Oregon.

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