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How To Give The Dog A Bath

Tub time with your hairy toddler.

By Bev PotterPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
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How To Give The Dog A Bath
Photo by Zak Neilson on Unsplash

Rule number one is “Don’t say the ‘B’ word.” This rule applies for several days before the actual event. You think they won’t remember that passing comment to someone on the phone five days ago about how “I really need to give the dog a bath”?

Hahahahaha! You’re funny.

Prepare the bathroom by draping it in plastic. You can find rolls of clear plastic sheeting in the paint department at your local Home Depot or Lowe’s Home Improvement Center.

Or, you know what? Never mind. It’s just water. It’ll dry.

Dig out the dog shower attachment thingy. While balancing on the edge of the tub like a Chinese gymnast, attempt to attach said attachment to the showerhead while repeating to yourself, “There has GOT to be an easier way” approximately 500 times.

This is the mantra of the dog owner. Use as needed.

Find dog.

Drag dog from behind the recliner, or better yet, pick dog up and just deposit her straight into the tub. If you own a Cane Corso or other giant breed, I can’t help you. No one can help you.

Do NOT turn your back on the dog.

You turned your back on the dog, didn’t you?

Find dog again. Ignore look of misery and death rays shooting from dog’s eyes.

Run water to the appropriate temperature. Test it on the inside of your wrist like parents used to test the temperature of baby formula in old movies. It feels okay. She’s still wearing that same expression of misery and hate, so it must be okay.

Get dog really, really wet. Trust me. When you think the dog is wet, keep going. You’ve only penetrated the first seven layers of hair.

Apply shampoo. We like Burt’s Bees Oatmeal Shampoo with Colloidal Oat Flour & Honey. It’s 99.7% natural, which my dog, a budding environmentalist even though she doesn’t know how to read or understand English, appreciates.

Let dog marinate for a while to derive the full benefit of the *reads bottle again* colloidal oat flour, whatever the hell that is.

Rinse dog, remembering to check the temperature of the water again, this time with your face because you weren’t paying attention to which direction the sprayer was pointed.

Curse quietly and in a cheerful voice, because angry voice upsets the dog and we don’t want that, now do we.

Rinse, rinse, rinse. Rinse some more. You think you can hear the water meter outside spinning around like Richard Dreyfuss’s fishing reel in Jaws.

Attempt to squeeze some water out of the dog and in the process become entirely coated in wet dog hair up to the elbows.

Did you remember to put the hair catcher in the drain?

Of course you didn’t.

Give up. Stand with bath towel acting as a shield between you and dog because this will be the first of many, many, many shakes.

Rub dog down with towel, stand up, and make a beeline for the front door while bellowing “WHO WANTS A TREAT??” at the top of your lungs.

Find dog again.

Discover that she has decided to take a brief intermezzo, as it were, in the bedroom right on top of the clean clothes pile.

This is your fault. You did not anticipate every possible scenario of how this could play out. Did you insert child safety outlet covers into every single outlet in the house? What if she decides to stick her wet tail into one of those? Think next time!

Of course, the frantic, bank robbery-style dash to freedom doesn’t apply if it’s January outside.

In that case, you crank up the heat, wrap dog lovingly in a blankie, and remind yourself it’s just water.

It’ll dry.

dog
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About the Creator

Bev Potter

Writer, know-it-all.

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