Brave

"Brave. I'm brave," I whispered to myself. I felt the warmth of her beside me, the weight of her pull on my wrist. Our connection runs so much deeper than the short leash that physically connects us.

We've been together five years now. The rescue pulled her from the shelter minutes before execution. She was in labor. She birthed five beautiful puppies with them. They say she was the best mom. I believe them. She is one of the most nurturing souls on this earth. She went from her foster family into service dog training. She had the temperament.

It was from there that she came to me. We didn't so much choose each other; we were paired together. We trained together for about six months, then, it was official. I had my service dog. Her name was Faith. It could have just as easily have been hope. She has been by my side through the toughest battles I have faced. She's my partner, soul mate, and salvation.

Today we were attempting something big. We were going to Build-a-Bear.

This is a store, inside a giant mall, filled with people. So many people. However, we were on a mission, and it was an important one. We wanted Grogu.

You might wonder why a dog might want Grogu? Or how a dog would even know who baby Yoda was? However, Faith and I spend every minute together. The special thing about a service dog is that all of our memories are intertwined. There is no me without her and no her without me. She had watched every episode of The Mandalorian with me. She had been encouraged (okay, forced) to look at every meme. If she met the little puppy in real life, she would probably bring him chocolate milk and chicken nuggies. I have an obsession and she knows who this is.

So here we are, standing outside of the mall, surrounded by people walking around us. I have CPTSD. Crowds trigger panic attacks. People trigger panic attacks. Being outside my house triggers panic attacks. She knows this a bit too well at this point. She also knows my determination. She leads me forward. I follow. I trust her. She navigates us through the crowd and inside of the door. She checks before I go in to make sure there is no one there to startle me. We walk together, as one really. In these moments we are not separate. She clears my path and keeps my space. It is her pull that keeps my balance and grounding. She is my strength to stand.

We reach the store and there is a line. This means waiting, with other people, on the edge of a sea of people. I feel my panic start to rise and my head begins to spin. Faith knows what to do. She puts her paw on me to sit me down. She makes sure no one comes within six feet of me. She has this almost psychic power to do this. It might just be the intimidation factor she pulls out in these moments. I've been told, by people not having panic attacks during these times, that it's slightly magical to watch.

She sits on me and gently nudges my hand to pet her. The sitting is technically called deep pressure therapy. It's incredibly effective, and the feel of her weight and her fur under my hand gradually calms me. I stop sweating, my breathing slows, and I slowly come back to the floor of the mall, right outside of Build-a-Bear.

Faith senses when I am okay to stand again and sits beside me to help me up. I get up with the handle on her vest to steady me. She looks at me with her nose up. I know what she wants. I say our little phrase. "Wonder Twin powers unite!" and put my fist out. She bumps it with her nose.

The line gradually shortens, and it's finally our turn. We go straight to Grogu. She briefly pauses. They have Pikachu too! She knows Pikachu. It's her favorite Pokemon. Today is for Grogu though. She guides me through the store and into the line to get his floof and pick out his heart. I pick the heart and charge it with a kiss. I put it down to her nose and she sniffs it and looks up at me. She gives it a little lick too. Full of love it now goes inside of Grogu and to the floof lady. Faith does not want to talk about what happened next. She will just suffice it to say that "hoomunz iz weird zometimez." And also "Don't letz that thing cloze to my buttz."

She hands me my beloved prize, and we go to pay. It's another line through a crowded aisle. She stands beside me, steadying me as she makes sure those around don't touch me. I'm able to pay without panic, and we are free with our new little Grogu.

We exit the store and I tell her "Car." She knows this command and I don't have to think at all as she leads me right back out of the mall and directly to our car. I did it! We did it! Something that would never have happened two years ago.

Grogu now lives in our bedroom on top of her kennel. I made him a little blankie and some crocheted chicken nuggies. She likes to nuzzle him sometimes. I think he will always be ours.