ALL MY KITTENS

by Billy Ehrlacher 9 days ago in satire

BROUGHT TO YOU TODAY BY BILLY EHRLACHER

ALL MY KITTENS
ALL MY KITTENS WRITTEN BY BILLY EHRLACHER

"I'm your worst nightmare! I remembered when we were married and you wanted me to sign a prenuptial agreement. I am glad that I didn't because I promise I will be your messiest divorce yet! I am taking the house, our vacation homes, the cars, and I am taking this company too. God knows that it's time someone with a brain was in charge."

Wilburn makes a huge mistake and assumes that Sable is bluffing.

"Over my dead body," Wilburn asserts. "There is no way this company will ever be yours."

"Think again dearie," Sable threatens.

Over at Hidden Valley General Veterinary Hospital, Tawny and Krista finally get their test results. Laurel calls the women into two of the examining rooms in this wing of the hospital. Laurel informs them that Dr. Alec Garson DVM will be with them in a moment.

Alec enters and discovers Tawny in examining room A.

"So tell me, Dr. Garson am I knocked up?"

"According to these test results you are. Although there is a slight chance you may not be expecting."

"What does that mean?" Tawny inquires.

"Perhaps someone switched those test results."

"I certainly hope not. Who would do such a thing?" a distraught Tawny cries.

"We were forced to eliminate some positions here at the hospital in an effort to slash costs. The first people to go bye-bye were all of the lab techs. Now we have environmental engineers working down there."

"What is an environmental engineer?" Tawny wonders.

"Environmental engineers are the people in the housekeeping department. They are the men and women who clean your toilet bowls."

"Oh, I see."

"It's an improvement over the last lab replacements. Initially the lab techs were replaced by a legally blind volunteer. She tried her best but she made tons of mistakes. And her service dog knocked things over so we had to make a change. People can get pretty angry when you misdiagnose them with a serious illness. At least the people from housekeeping clean up a mess when they make one. Our lab has never been cleaner."

Alec reviews Tawny's medical records. Alec is surprised to read one little tidbit of information.

"It says here that you were spayed."

"I was."

"This really perplexes me. This is what we get for outsourcing our surgical department. Years ago they were in house. Now we have a firm of people who were born in third world countries. Despite all of this I feel confident to announce you pregnant," Alec states. "So feel free to enjoy your strange late night cravings. And having your paws swell up, and to get huge all over, and getting stuck in chairs in your living room requiring your next of kin to rescue you when you have to run to the bathroom because of your over active bladder. And have a nice day."

After getting this news Tawny goes out into the hall.

Back at Garson Industries, Sable has a brilliant idea. She realizes like most cats Wilburn is allergic to poinsettias. She goes on the internet to see what kind of damage these plants can do to an old fool like Wilburn. Sable hopes that they will cause senility in her husband!

Josie Garson is now on her way to one of Hidden Valley's newest and most controversial night clubs called The Underground. The Underground is an exclusive club for cats. Management will not allow dogs, insects, and absolutely no fleas inside. Bouncers are ordered to escort any other creature out. The Underground got it's name because the club is literally located underground in a sewer. This is truly the only place where Josie feels valued. Most of the patrons of The Underground are high on cat nip all of the time. The club smells of this recreational drug.

Alec now enters and discovers Krista behind exam room B.

"Good evening Krista."

"Hello there Alec."

"So you seem to believe that you are pregnant too."

"Something must be in the air here in Hidden Valley. Maybe the people of Hidden Valley should consider getting cable. Are all of you ladies eating watermelon seeds," Alec asks as he chuckles.

"Sorry there Krista that was just a little bit of veterinarian humor. You know humor in the hospital. It was just a little joke. Yes, as I can tell you are with kit."

"Thanks a lot Alec."

Krista also walks out into the hall, where she spots Tawny standing near the elevator.

Wilburn grabs his cell phone out of his top shirt pocket and contacts his pilot ordering him to fire up the Garson's private jet to take Tawny and him on their exotic romantic getaway tonight!

Sable gets out of the elevator on the eighth floor and sees Tawny and Krista having a secretive conversation. Sable wants to know what they are talking about, but she is in a hurry. She does have one second to ask them one quick question.

"What brings the two of you here?" Sable asks.

"Oh just a routine check-up," Krista states as Tawny nods her head to indicate that she was in the medical facility for the same reason.

"Gee, Tawny, I thought that you were here to get some birth control before you embark on your journey with my husband."

"No not at all," Tawny lies as Veda spots Sable.

"Hello there Sable," Veda greets her daughter.

"Mother," Sable says.

"Are you here to see Alec?"

"No Mother. I see more than enough of my two kits at home. I'm here on very important business. I can't discuss this with you at this time. For once in your eighth life stop pestering me."

Sable strips! She removes her designer label clothing for some scrubs. She puts on a mask also as well as a cap to hide her recent fur job. She puts on a pair of Foster Grant glasses that she just bought in the hospital gift shop. Sable has completed all of the research and now it is time to act. Upon entering the lab she demands that the ladies from housekeeping leave. She checks to ensure the coast is clear. Sable locks the door and shuts off all of the security cameras in the lab.

At The Underground, Mitch, a tough biker druggie cat flirts with Josie. It has been a longtime since a man has shown interest in her. Sable panics when she hears footsteps. Someone is coming for her! Sable quickly hides hoping that no one will discover her.

satire
Billy Ehrlacher
Billy Ehrlacher
Read next: Calling All Wannabe Pet Owners
Billy Ehrlacher

Billy obtained a bachelor's degree in theatre from DeSales University. He has many theatre credits. His first humor novel was published in 2017. He is an avid soap opera fan and an animal lover. Billy lives in Allentown, PA.

See all posts by Billy Ehrlacher