A Star is Born Every Halloween

Me: What do you want to be for Halloween? Can we do something different this year? Maybe one of those inflatable dinosaur costumes?

My dog: I want a three-picture deal with Paramount, Universal, Warner Bros., and Disney, with 20 million upfront and a sizeable cut of the box-office sales.

Me: That's not how this holiday works. We dress up in costumes, ring the doorbell, and ask for treats.

My dog: Fine. Ding dong. I'll take a steak, bacon bits on the side.

Me: The store ran out of steak, but I can sprinkle bacon bits over your dinner later. Can we get back on topic?

My dog: You're not lying, are you?

Me: No. Not lying at all.

My dog: I bet I can find a steak. Open the front door and let me out. I'll be back before you're done with your beer. Time me.

Me: (Crinkles random bag.)

My dog: (sits up) I'm listening.

Me: What do you want to be for Halloween this year?

My dog: Cleopatra. The Shakespeare version where she says: Give me my robe, put on my crown, I have immortal longings in me for steak.

Me: You were that last year. And she never mentions steak.

My dog: Ooh, I know! What about that creepy guy with the teeth who says, "Here's Johnny!" right before he kills his family over a steak.

Me: That's from "The Shining." And he doesn't kill his family over a steak. You were Johnny two years ago.

My dog: What about the girl from Salem in the 1600s, where they burn all the witches because they ate all the steaks? You know the girl I'm talking about? She's like: "I saw Goody Proctor eating steaks with the devil."

Me: That's "The Crucible." You were Abigail Williams twice already. And they dance with the devil, they don't eat steaks with him. Plus, I have no idea where that bonnet is.

My dog: I know! I want to be that southern woman who's all: Hey, Stanley. Can I have a bite of your steak? She's delicate and pretty but only knits with one needle, you get what I'm saying? Crazy as a loon.

Me: That's Blanche DuBois from "A Street Car Named Desire." It's a famous Tennesee Williams play. She says can I have a drag of your cig, not a bite of your steak. And she isn't crazy. There's a lot of trauma in her past. Her relationships with men ruined her. And Stanley Kowalski is an aggressive, abusive drunk who brutalizes her and—

My dog: Can you stop with this? Can we not do this today?

Me: Okay, but I want you to know that I never liked when you dressed as Blanche. It felt like you were objectifying yourself.

My dog: I was objectifying myself FOR A STEAK. Don't act like you've never done anything you regret. I know your secrets. All I'm saying is: Let him that is among you without sin, cast the first stone...

Hey! What if I do something Christmasy for Halloween? Like, what if I'm one of those fine gentlemen from a Charles Dickens book who goes around handing out steaks to all the poor people! You could buy me a bunch of steaks and I could—

Me: I like where you're going with this. I can carry the steaks in a cooler and when we find someone who could use a steak, I'll hand it to them while you tip your hat and say, "Happy Christmas" in a British accent.

My dog: This makes no sense. I don't have opposable thumbs. I'm incapable of grasping and handling objects. However, I can carry the steaks... in my teeth. And you can tip my hat for me. Thoughts?

Me: Many thoughts. How do I know you won't eat the steaks as I pass them to you?

My dog: Because I'm telling you right now I won't eat the steaks.

Me: You're not lying, are you?

My dog: No. Not lying at all.

Me: I like this idea. It's different. I'll run to the store and get steaks!

My dog: I thought you said they were out of steaks.

Me: Yeah. Well... they probably restocked by now. Why are you looking at me like that?

My dog: No reason. Just... go get the steaks.

About Paisley: She was found wandering the streets of Cabo San Lucas as a puppy. The rescue organization believes she was rejected from a nearby puppy mill due to being born with a missing patch of hair on her left haunch. She lives with her mom, dad, two human siblings, and her adopted baby fur brother, Peperoncini. Her favorite color is steak.