A Profitable Murder

“It started fairly innocuously of course”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I was sitting in the park, I had a bagel I’d bought from that little bakery on Signet Street…”

“Oh I love that place, those pumpernickel ones they do? Just great!”

“Yeah, they are, and you’re not the only one who thinks so”

“Well yeah, but I’ll get to that. So I’m writing in my little black book”

“Ooh, what were you writing?”

“Oh, some poetry, you know me. So I’m two stanzas in and I’m thinking about the next line, just sitting on the bench and looking out towards the pond in front of me and then I hear something to my side. I look over and what do you think I saw?”

“Tell me”

“It was a crow”

“A crow?”

“Yeah, the lil bugger was trying to unwrap my bagel”

“Get out!”

“No, for real”

“So what did you do?”

“Well I thought about shooing him away but he was watching me, almost sheepishly? It was like he was embarrassed to have been caught. We have this, kinda standoff for a couple of minutes, and, and I’m starting to find this funny...so I reach down, gradually mind you, so not to scare him, and I pick up the bagel.”

“He didn’t peck you?”

“Nah, he hopped back to give me a bit of space but I swear he knew what I was planning”

“And that was?”

“Well I finished the unwrapping of the bagel, broke a bit off and put it on the bench for him. Then I watched him peck at the bagel, and the lox and capers on the bagel, and, while he pecked, I opened my notebook and did a little sketch of my new friend.”

“Oh you didn’t!”

“No, I totally did. Hang on, no, no, ah! Here we go, look, there he is, chowing down on a nice toasty baked good”

“Yeah, you are definitely a better writer than an artist.”

“Rude, but yeah, yeah, so he finishes the bagel, croaks in my general direction and flies off. I sit and eat my parts of the bagel, I drink my coffee, and I go back to writing. About maybe 20 minutes go by and I hear a croak.”

“What?!”

“Yeah, he’s back, only he’s got something in his beak, it’s bigger than a quarter but about the same kind of metal and it’s shiny, not new shiny but like, cleaned up shiny, like someone recently polished it.”

“No!”

“I kid you not! He hops closer, places the object on the bench, croaks again and flaps off. I pick it up and I see FDR’s profile on the disc.”

“A half dollar?”

“A half dollar”

“Wild.”

“Yeah, so after that I closed my notebook, tossed the bagel wrapper and paper cup in a nearby trash can, and headed home. Nothing could top the weird and wonderful I’d just experienced...but then…”

“What?!”

“Yeah, a week goes by and it’s Sunday again. I’m back in the park, I’m back on the bench, I have coffee, I have a lox bagel, onion this time, I have my notebook, and I’m writing. I’ve been doing that for a few minutes when I hear a croak.”

“Woah!”

“Yeah, It’s my friend, he’s back! He’s perched on the back of the bench but he hops down, bounces over to me, looks me dead in the eye, then down to the bagel, then back to me.”

“That’s just brazen!”

“Oh yeah, but I can’t deny him some bagel now can I?”

“Course not!”

“So I take the bagel and I unwrap it, this time though I break it mostly in half and we sit there; me sipping my coffee and my little pal happily pecking away at the lox and bagel and it’s nice, you know? It’s weird, but it’s nice.”

“Yeah, I get it.”

“So he finishes his half of the bagel, croaks and flies off. I go back to writing. But then.”

“Oh I know where this is going.”

“Yeah, heeee’s back! Only this time he doesn’t have a half dollar, the object is gold, ish”

“Sacajawea?”

“Oh that would have been cool, no, but it was a dollar, an Ohio dollar as it happened, look I made a note of it in my little black book. Okay so off he flies and there ends another wonderful Sunday in the park with me and, I decided to call him Tim.”

“Tim? Tim the crow?”

“Yeah because he’s brought me money, he’s like an ATM...a Tim...ok not the best joke but it made me chuckle and it’s not like he’s going to answer to any name I call him is he?”

“No, clearly”

“Right, but this is where things start to get really weird.”

“This is where things start to get weird?”

“Haha, but yeah, this is where things start to get really weird”

“Okay, but hold on a minute, I’m going to go get something from that taco cart, you want anything?”

“Sure, a couple of churros if they have any.”

“Alrighty, I’ll be back in a minute.”

***

“Here’s your churros and I got you a Dr. Brown celery soda”

“The taco cart is selling Dr. Brown sodas? Weird.”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s the most authentic taco cart I’ve ever encountered, just saying.”

“So where was I?”

“Tim had just given you a dollar, things were about to get weird.”

“Okay cool. Another week goes by. This time, I’m not entirely expecting to see Tim, but I have this feeling, you know? So I buy two bagels, one everything and one rosemary. Both have lox, schmear, and capers. I have my coffee and I’m writing in my notebook. Sure enough, I hear a familiar croak. As soon as I look over, I know my decision to buy two bagels was the wise choice.”

“Why?”

“Because Tim has a friend with him.”

“Two crows?”

“Two crows. Tim and his pal. Tim hopped down and approached me. He seemed to realize his friend was nervous and he turned back to croak at him. There was a bit of back and forth but eventually I had a couple of crows close enough that I could have reached out and petted them.”

“Did you?”

“Not then”

“Nice!”

“No, what I did was unwrap both bagels and place them in front of Tim and his friend. They sort of chatted for a bit and then Tim pecked the everything bagel. I pick it up and break it in half. I placed both halves in front of each crow and there we were; me, the two crows just enjoying coffee and bagels, well bagels, but then it occurred to me that maybe they might enjoy having the full experience.”

“You gave the crows coffee”

“Just a little, I poured a drop into the lid of the coffee cup and placed it between the birds. I thought Tim would be the first to try it but I was wrong. His friend, who I decided to call Bean”

“You are never allowed to name a child”

“Shush, Bean bent down and scooped up some coffee and swallowed it. There was a moment of contemplative croaking before he pushed the lid over to Tim. Tim also sipped and then they both finished their bagel and flapped off.”

“I know what’s coming”

“You think you do, I did too. I spent some time sketching in the notebook this time, then I heard the expected croak. I turn around to see Tim and Bean and another crow and they all have something in their mouths.”

“More coins”

“No! Paper this time, scrunched up bits of paper”

“Paper...Money?”

“Tim and Bean had money, their friend had a lottery ticket”

“Oh you are kidding”

“I swear I’m not. So they place their paper next to me and I unfold them to see what they are precisely. Tim had given me $10, Bean brought me $5 and their friend had brought me an unclaimed lottery ticket. I didn’t have anything for the new arrival, but I did have money now and there was a food truck just outside the park. I stood up and told them I’d be right back.

The food truck was one of those coffee and beignets faux New Orleans type things. I buy a small coffee and a beignet. I get back and they’re patiently waiting. I place the coffee and beignet on the bench and thank them for the gift. Then I say ‘see you next week’ and head for home. As I’m walking back to my place I see a little store with the lottery sign hanging up, and I think, why not? I go in and I have them scan the ticket.”

“Did you win anything?”

“Did I win anything, you could say that, $200 is what I won!”

“You named that third crow Lucky didn’t you?”

“You know me so well.”

“What happened the next week?”

“Oh I didn’t have to wait that long.”

“What?”

“Yeah, Wednesday morning, I had a few things in the afternoon but nothing in the morning, so I was just puttering around my place. I’d made some tea and was catching up on email when I hear this tapping sound.”

“Someone at the door?”

“The window”

“The window? You live on the third floor!”

“I know right? But I go over to the window and there, on the ledge are Tim, Bean and Lucky, my little murder”

“Little...murder?”

“Yeah, I dunno what the official number needed for a Murder of Crows is but more than two seems about right and now there were three of them, so, a little murder.”

“Okay, did you let them in?”

“What do you think? I opened the window and all three hopped inside. I left the window open so they could come and go; I didn’t want to trap them in the house. They seemed a little nervous to be inside but I spoke as calmly as I could and welcomed them by name.”

“By name? You called them Tim, Bean and Lucky?!”

“Yeah, I thought, what could it hurt? I’d looked up what crows I’d looked up what crows like to eat the day before, I wanted to have something they’d enjoy the next Sunday.”

“Oh they had you wrapped around their little claws didn’t they?”

“I guess, well I discovered that what they like to eat is, er, everything, but what they should eat are things like peanuts, and bits of meat, and eggs I made a list of all of them in my notebook. I hadn’t hit a grocery store yet but I had some of that and I made up a little bowl for them and sat back to sip my tea and sketch them a little.”

“Oh go on then, show me.”

“Way ahead of you, look.”

“That’s great, way better than the first one.”

“Yeah, practice makes perfect right? So, they finish their brunch, croak in a way I can only think of as happily, hop to the window, and fly away.”

“You left the window open didn’t you?”

“You know it!”

“Wait, how did they even know where you lived?”

“Yeah, I dunno, I’m a little spooked about that myself, but crows are clever little bastards so I figured they worked it out somehow. It was about 30 minutes before I had to get going when I heard three little thumps on the floor over by the window.”

“What did they bring you this time?”

“Three $20s”

“Three...Three $20s!”

“Yeah, and that’s when I started keeping a tally of what they were bringing me.”

“Ooh, can I see?”

“In a minute, I told them I was leaving but they were free to stay or go just as long as they respected my place.”

“You’re braver than I would be.”

“I don’t know, I just felt like I could trust them at this point. I went to my appointment, and when I got back I found Tim and Bean were gone but Lucky was sort of napping on one of my easy chairs. I asked her where the other two were and she croaked back at me.”

“Wait, ‘She’, how did you know that?”

“Getting to that. So Lucky stayed with me the rest of the week with Tim and Bean visiting us both from time to time. Each time I fed them and hung out with them, and each time they came back bearing gifts.”

“Ooh, ‘beware crows bearing gifts’ huh?”

“No, more like welcome them. They also came with some twigs and things like that and built a little nest for Lucky, right in the chair. On saturday morning, I realized why when I saw the two blue-green eggs Lucky had laid.”

“Get. Out.”

“For real yo. Two perfect little eggs, I almost cried. I felt like, super honored, that she would choose my living room as a place to have her babies.”

“That’s adorable!”

“Yeah, so now I’m, what? The surrogate grandparent of a couple of soon to be hatched crows.”

“Who was the father? Tim or Bean?”

“I assumed Tim but I couldn’t say for sure”

“So what was Bean’s deal?”

“Not a clue, Gay best friend? In any case they both doted on Lucky until the big day when her chicks made their way into the world. And then they started looking after her and the chicks. And bringing me gifts. I think they saw how I reacted to the $20 because those were the most frequent gifts, but sometimes they brought higher value bills.”

“Like $50s?”

“Yeah sometimes, and one time, when I was especially strapped for cash a $100”

“Where were they getting these from?!”

“Well if I knew that...I don’t know, but I’m not going to press too much on that question, you know, gift-horses, mouths, not looking them in those?”

“Yeah I get it.”

“Yeah, so the chicks grew and I watched them and it was nice, you know? And it was nice to have company, little midnight black croaking company. Until one day Lucky and the chicks flew away.”

“Just like that?”

“Well, no, I knew it was coming, She’d been showing them how to fly, things like that. It was still sad when they did.”

“And was that it?”

“No, but it tapered off, and then the days got colder and I assumed they were huddling against winter.”

“Awww”

“Yeah, but that’s when I sat down to work out exactly what they had brought me during this really weird time and, well look, see for yourself…”

“Ok. Huh. $19..$19,975?!! You know, you almost had me, but this, this is too much, cool story though.”

“Cross my heart.”

“Yeah, Ok, hey, you going to eat that other churro?”

“Oh that's not for me. Do me a favour?”

“What?”

“Break it into five equal bits and place them on the table.”

“K…”

“Hang on, ah here they come. I’d like you to meet Lucky, Bean, Bobby and Zoe and, here he is, that's right fella, hop up, this is Tim.”

“What, what is that they’re carrying?”

“See for yourself”

“$5, $5, $5, $5 and…$5”

“And what does that give us?”

“Twenty. Thousand. Dollars! Stone the crows!”

“Oh, no, never stone them. I definitely recommend feeding them though.”