A Journey of Intention Discovered through Horses - Part 3

This is going to take a turn that I didn’t quite see coming.

A confession – I really am struggling, mentally and physically. Is it hormones? A side affect of this Ataxia? Depression? Exhaustion? Burn out? Overwhelm? Humidity? Diet and exercise? I don’t know. Probably a combination – a cycle of negativity. When this humidity breaks, maybe that in itself, will be enough to increase my positive energy flow. Right now, this humidity feels like a wet blanket draped over my head – everything appears heavy and dark. It’s stifling.

What I do know is that I need to do something about it, and I can. So here’s what I have decided to do: in order to get where I want to go, I need to take a step back, I need to readjust. I am not quitting, I am choosing a different approach. I think now it seems I need to start from a different place than where I initially thought. I am going to step back and spend time with Blu on more ground work and not ridden work for now. I hope to be getting back on by the next installment in a month, but right now, my focus will be on getting my mental and physical health back to where I want them to be, as well as building a stronger bond with Blu through continued Liberty work.

Mentally I am tired of this feeling of apathy, this lack of motivation. I enjoy being around my horses. I think I am trying to push too hard to move forward while having skipped part of the foundation. I need to re-evaluate, do what feels right, adjust and continue. What I have been trying to do is not quite “right.” I’m missing something. I think that’s where the idea of “backing off to move forward” comes in.

Physically, there seems to be so much that plays into this whole “off” feeling. I haven’t been taking the time to take good care of myself, which leads to bad feelings about myself, which leads to even worse self-care. I know what I need to do, I just need to commit myself to doing it now, no matter how I feel in the moment. I know from experience that following through on self-care habits leads to feeling better, and continuing to develop better habits. I will set up a schedule. It’s easier for me to stay on track when I have schedule to follow.

Bonding with my horse creates an advantage though developing trust and confidence. I will do this by working with Blu at liberty while sitting on my bucket with treats. I will have no rope to depend on for making her do as I ask. She is going to have to want to – and my responsibility is to find the inspiration that will make her want to. So far we have attempted just a few sessions. She is a bit aloof. Her attention is constantly shifted from me. My goal is to figure out how to maintain her focus on me. This could be a serious challenge, and a test of my patience, but the breakthrough will be amazing! I wonder if I can find an Equine Massage routine to help this along?

Being in the presence of horses is healing in itself. I want to approach them in a way that they can feel connection and trust through my touch; my intention. My goal is to convey a loving kindness that Blu can appreciate and respect, while I always approach her with an open heart. I will set clear goals and a schedule to follow for the next month, then re-evaluate again.

Find Part 1 here.

Find Part 2 here.