A Cashmere Cat with Alley Cat Tendencies

As much as I hate to admit it, I have become a cashmere cat, which is quite different from my alleycat days. Although the cashmere cat lifestyle is rather lovely, I'm still in touch with my alleycat roots.

I’ll admit it’s nice to have a warm bed, food in my bowl, and the luxury of ice cold water. It’s not that I’m not grateful my new life, it’s just that I miss the thrill of my old lifestyle.

There was something about being an alleycat. It was the equivalent of being a “bad bitch” or whatever humans call women who aren’t afraid of consequences. A part of me will always love the thrill of a challenge, the camaraderie of my alley cat gang (they were my ride or dies), and the admiration that comes with owning the streets.

Alley cat life is thrilling, fast paced, dangerous, and adventurous. The cashmere life is predictable, comforting, and safe. While it’s nice knowing that I’m safe and loved, I’m incredibly bored.

I grew up in chaos, violence, and tragedy. I got separated from my pack when I was a kitten and I raised myself. I learned how to protect myself by observing, always staying ahead of my enemy, and creating diversions to get away. My life was unconventional but it's how I survived. I kept my friends close but my enemies closer.

I wasn’t capable of love in my alleycat days. Love was never modeled to me, I only knew survival. I’m not making excuses for old me. I didn't know any better. When you come from the streets, you live in a fear and it's hard to trust. It's hard to know who your real friends are.

I’ve been doing a lot of work to heal myself. I’m learning that safely, predictability, and comfort are good things. I’m learning that it’s ok to trust people and that it's ok to let people in. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable and does something I don’t like, I don’t need to react. I can set a boundary, if they don’t respect my boundaries or make me feel bad about my boundary, then I give myself permission to walk away.

I’m learning to balance my new cashmere lifestyle with my alleycat attitude. I’m learning to create challenges in a safe and loving way. I’m learning how to be a better friend.

In hard times, you know who your real friends are. These are the friends that will stick by your side through thick and thin.. They will challenge you to keep going and to not give up. I haven’t been that friend in a long time and I feel bad about that. I had so much pain of my own, that I couldn’t take anyone else's, so I purposely kept people at a distance. If I never let you in, you could never hurt me. Through reflection,I’ve realized that I hurt a lot of people by doing this. Friendship is about honest communication, empathy, and support, all things I wasn’t capable of doing in the past.

As I’ve released my pain, it’s getting easier for me to be more supportive and to validate someone else’s experience. I don't have to share their thoughts, but through empathy I can see how they feel that way.

It’s getting easier for me to be compassionate, understanding, and a better listener. I’m also learning that not every situation needs to be a flight or fight. I’m learning that if you lead with love and light, that love and light will find its way back to you.

I’m beyond thankful that I found my mom. She makes me feel safe and loved, which was overwhelming in the beginning. I’ve never had this type of love before. I love that my mom supports me and understands my fear of abandonment.

My mom does cutesy things like gets us matching mermaid costumes, knits me sweaters, and buys me toys that I like. She knows that hair ties are my favorite and will always leave a few near my bed. I’ve never had anyone do those things for me before.

While it’s nice to be loved, I draw the line at the matching merkitty costumes. I understand that it’s cute but I do not want to wear a costume on Halloween. I don’t want any restraints on my fur. The costume is uncomfortable and it makes me itch. If I’m being honest, it's just plain annoying. I can’t be a free range kitty, if I’m dragging a mermaid tail everywhere I go. It slows me down.

My mom has the best heart, she’s determined, loving, kind, passionate, and sassy. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and I love that about her. She’s intelligent and can create solutions with little to no resources. For example, she didn’t want to spend a lot of money for my costume, so she got it at Goodwill. She’s crafty and can make it through any challenge.

She’s working on boundaries and recognizing that people need space sometimes. I don’t want her to lose her loving and selfless side but I want her to give herself the same love that she gives everyone else.

I’m proud of her growth. She quit a new job because she didn’t like the culture. She stopped talking to her ex who didn’t treat her kindly. She’s working on reconnecting with old friends and making new friends. She's also a writer and working on several new projects. My mom is what we call a boss bitch.

So if anyone is looking for a good woman with a good soul, please take her on a date and get her off my hands. I can offer a merkitty halloween costume from Goodwill, a trout plushie, an endless supply of hair ties, and a yeti water bowl. If you need more, please give me a couple days. I can not eat my food for a couple days and can probably get a couple more plushies to throw into this deal.

Also, if you are a human reader, please stop dressing your pets up in Halloween costumes. We hate them! They are itchy and restrictive. We don’t care about increasing your instagram followers. We just want your endless love without all the pictures.

Sincerely, Squeaks the Cats