Women Don’t Want a “Nice Guy”

Any man reading this knows the struggle of wishing he knew what women were thinking.

Every woman reading this article has likely, at one point, also wished a man she liked knew what she was thinking.

The prevalence of single mothers raising sons has been correlated with self-esteem outcomes in men (I presented this conclusion based on evidence in a previous Vocal article, Single Mothers Raise Their Sons to Be Good Girls). Men and women have both been adversely affected by this.

As a result, men raised this way will, at times, struggle to act like “men.”

Women want a man who acts like a “man,” and mothers can only raise their sons through the lens of a woman.

As a result, some of these young men may grow up believing that placating women is the best way to attract them and earn their love. While kindness is an admirable trait, constantly suppressing personal needs, avoiding disagreement, and seeking approval can eventually undermine both self-respect and attraction. This tendency is often associated with what relationship literature describes as “Nice Guy Syndrome.”

However, the question has been raised: When a woman says she wants a “nice guy,” what does a man hear, and is that what she is actually saying?

And what makes a man a “man” in the first place?

I would like to present the evidence from my research and the conclusion I came to. I also included references so you can cross-check my logic.

Evidence That Women Prefer Men With Healthy Boundaries Over “Nice Guys”

Defining the Terms

Before examining the evidence, it is important to distinguish between kindness and “nice guy” behavior.

Kindness includes:

* Empathy

* Respect

* Generosity

* Cooperation

* Emotional intelligence

“Nice guy” behavior often includes:

* People-pleasing

* Fear of conflict

* Approval-seeking

* Inability to say no

* Suppression of personal needs

* Hidden expectations of reward

Before continuing, it is important to clarify what healthy boundaries actually mean. Boundaries are not dominance, aggression, emotional distance, or controlling behavior. Healthy boundaries simply mean respecting yourself enough to communicate your needs, preferences, and limits honestly. A man with healthy boundaries can say no when necessary, respectfully disagree without fear of rejection, maintain his own friendships and interests, and express his needs directly rather than suppressing them to avoid conflict. In many ways, boundaries are simply self-respect made visible.

The research discussed below does not suggest that women prefer selfish, aggressive, or abusive men. Rather, it suggests that healthy boundaries tend to be more attractive than excessive accommodation.

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Evidence 1: Women Consistently Rate Confidence and Assertiveness as Attractive Traits

Research in evolutionary psychology has repeatedly found that women value confidence, competence, decisiveness, and leadership ability in romantic partners.

Healthy boundaries are necessary for these traits to exist. A man who cannot disagree, establish limits, or express his own preferences often struggles to project confidence.

References

* David Buss, The Evolution of Desire (1994)

* Why Women Have Sex

* Buss, D. M. (1989). “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences: Evolutionary Hypotheses Tested in 37 Cultures.”

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Evidence 2: Boundaries Signal Self-Respect

Research on self-esteem and mate selection suggests that people are generally attracted to partners who appear to value themselves.

A man who maintains healthy boundaries communicates:

* Self-respect

* Personal standards

* Independence

* Emotional maturity

References

* Mark Leary, Sociometer Theory of Self-Esteem

* Murray, Holmes, & Griffin (2000), “Self-Esteem and Relationship Satisfaction”

* The Psychology of Self-Esteem

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Evidence 3: Secure Attachment Includes Healthy Boundaries

Attachment theory identifies secure attachment as the healthiest relationship style.

Securely attached individuals:

* Express affection freely

* Maintain their own identity

* Communicate needs directly

* Respect boundaries

References

* John Bowlby, Attachment Theory

* Mary Ainsworth, Attachment Research

* Mikulincer & Shaver (2016), Attachment in Adulthood

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Evidence 4: Authenticity Is More Attractive Than Approval-Seeking

Studies on authenticity show that people generally prefer partners who behave according to their genuine beliefs and values rather than constantly managing impressions.

Boundaries encourage authenticity because they require people to communicate their true feelings, needs, and preferences.

References

* Carl Rogers, Theory of Authenticity

* Kernis & Goldman (2006), “A Multicomponent Conceptualization of Authenticity”

* No More Mr. Nice Guy (popular psychology, not peer-reviewed, but influential regarding “Nice Guy Syndrome”)

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Evidence 5: Agreeableness Has Diminishing Returns

Personality research consistently identifies agreeableness as a positive trait.

However, extremely high agreeableness can become:

* Passivity

* Excessive compliance

* Difficulty advocating for personal needs

Research suggests that kindness combined with assertiveness is generally more attractive than kindness alone.

References

* Big Five personality traits research

* Costa & McCrae (1992), NEO Personality Inventory

* Jensen-Campbell et al. (2002), research on agreeableness and social outcomes

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Evidence 6: Women Often Report Attraction to Men Who Maintain Individuality

Relationship research consistently finds that long-term attraction requires both intimacy and individuality.

Partners who maintain their own:

* Values

* Opinions

* Goals

* Standards

are often perceived as more attractive than those who become overly dependent.

References

* Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

* Aron & Aron (1986), Self-Expansion Theory

* Deci & Ryan, Self-Determination Theory

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Evidence 7: Relationship Satisfaction Requires Autonomy

One of the most replicated findings in relationship science is that healthy relationships require both connection and autonomy.

People generally report greater satisfaction when they feel:

* Loved

* Respected

* Understood

* Free to be themselves

References

* Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, Self-Determination Theory

* Patrick, Knee, Canevello, & Lonsbary (2007), autonomy and relationship satisfaction

* Knee et al. (2013), autonomy-supportive relationships

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Evidence 8: Women Frequently Differentiate Between “Nice” and “Weak”

Relationship counseling literature and qualitative studies frequently report that women distinguish between:

A kind man with standards and boundaries.

And

A people-pleasing man who suppresses his own needs.

The former is often perceived as dependable and confident.

The people-pleaser is often perceived as insecure.

References

* The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

* John Gottman, decades of marital stability research

* No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Summary of the Evidence

Research from evolutionary psychology, attachment theory, personality psychology, self-esteem research, and relationship science points toward a common conclusion:

Women generally do not prefer selfishness, hostility, or emotional unavailability.

They also do not appear to prefer excessive people-pleasing, chronic approval-seeking, or the absence of personal boundaries.

The evidence instead suggests that the most attractive combination is kindness paired with confidence, authenticity, self-respect, emotional stability, autonomy, and healthy boundaries.

The fun part now, my fellow men, is figuring out how to become stable and self-confident enough to actually be the “man” a woman is begging for.

But that’s for future articles.