The Ultimate Influencer

‘A Reason, a Season or a Lifetime’.

This saying is supposed to help us understand that people come and go from our lives and help us to cope by giving one of three purposes to our relationships.

Reason people help us to learn something then move on. It implies a short association, with the person not playing a big role in our life outside of that purpose.

Season people hang around a little longer to help support us through a difficult period or learn a lesson. These Seasonal people leave a bigger impact on our lives before moving on at some point. Not necessarily after a season of a year, but a season of our lives.

Lifetime people are as implied. They are the people who are always there throughout our lives. They are a staple, a permanent fixture, a major influence. And the hardest ones to say good bye to.

For most of us, our parents would fall into the Lifetime category. Though that’s not true for everyone.

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My father was a horrid person.

An abusive, manipulative, physically volatile alcoholic who was careful to never look bad in the eyes of the community. To friends, he was a generous family man who was fun to be around, a big personality who knew how to enjoy himself. Behind closed doors, the charming Jekyll gave way to the dark Hyde. No one believed when a neighbour reported him to the police for threatening mum with a gun. And a well-timed phone call from a drinking buddy of his at the station gave him time to hide the guns so he could deny he ever had any. The was not a single member of our household who did not know the weight of his anger, frequently demonstrated by his fist.

As we got older, my siblings and I moved out of home and his ability to restrain his behaviour diminished. Mum finally took the little money she had managed to hide, borrowed the rest from family and got out. She had to move to a new city to be safe. But she did and I am so proud of her.

Even before their divorce was finalised, I cut him out of my life. He taught me one very valuable lesson: What I will not accept in my life. I learned that if I can cut my father from my life without remorse, I can cut anyone who does not treat me right. It’s strange, but his abuse taught me an invaluable life lesson.

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There are some people who, through just being themselves, restore faith in the world around us. My Stepdad (Dad for short) was this person for me.

It took many years for my mum to let someone into her life again.

But I’m glad she let him in.

Dad was a beautiful soul. He treated Mum and the rest of our family in a way none of us were used to. He never raised his voice, let alone his hand. He was more concerned with doing the morally right thing than how he looked to others, whether there was anyone to see or not. And Dad never expected more than a simple ‘thank you’. He did things because he loved us. He treated Mum like a princess, my siblings and I like we were his own kids.

When mum got sick early in their relationship, he could have chosen to leave. I think, somewhere in the back of my mind, I expected him to. But he stayed, helped Mum pay the bills and sat by her bed while she was in hospital.

Dad was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years after he and Mum married. He fought hard and after months of chemo and radiation he was told he was in remission. Only to collapse suddenly after a few months. He passed away days later.

We miss him, every day.

I learned something very important from Dad. I learned that, just because I can cut people out of my life, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t let others in.

Dad was really only with us physically for a Season in the grand scheme of things. He will be with us emotionally for a Lifetime. He is the Father Figure I never knew I was missing but I will forever be grateful for the time we had with him. No matter how brief.

For all the good men out there and there are so many of you, thank you for all you do to restore faith, even if you don't know you are doing it.