The Most Important Thing in His Life

“Did I ever tell you what your Dad said to me when we first started dating?”, my stepmom asked me while I was on a weekend trip home. “He told me that you would always be the most important thing in his life”. I didn’t know in that moment her reason for telling me this, but I had definitely not heard it before. The tears welling up in my eyes confirmed it.

I was home that weekend to help move my father into a new care facility that would better suit his care requirements. He had been diagnosed with a rare brain disorder called ABRA back in 2011 and since that time, had suffered a number of strokes and, like his mother before him, began declining rapidly from dementia.

She must’ve felt that it was something I needed to know before he passed on from this natural world knowing I would be heartbroken to the core of my being and would have those words as a reminder of his love for me.

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I am still mourning his passing and know that there will forever be a void in my heart that can never be filled by anyone else. He was my rock and my foundation crumbled underneath me when he died, but it was also because of him that I am able to persevere and uphold peace of mind.

Whenever I went through hard times, he would always remind me of the serenity prayer, “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. God granted me the wisdom and I accepted it, but wisdom to accept death isn’t really wisdom at all, it’s simply a poignant circumstance of life.

My Dad left me with far more substantial wisdom, one little nugget at a time. Asking God for wisdom was just a piece of his wisdom, yet brilliant words to live by, no doubt.

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My Father grew up in a small mining town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan that really didn’t offer many opportunities in life unless you left the area to make them for yourself and that’s exactly what he did.

He was a brilliant man brazen with self motivation who earned himself a PhD in Philosophy and became a tenured history professor at St. John’s University in central Minnesota. But he was not only a teacher, he was a mentor, advisor, and committed advocate for international students.

It was not uncommon during the holidays for us to have a house full of students from across the globe with his considerate invitation to not spend them alone in an empty dorm. One Thanksgiving, grace was said by a young woman from Bethlehem Jerusalem while sharing a table with other students from Korea, Japan, and the Dominican Republic. He was a humanitarian and a uniter of people.

Taking the lead on creating and directing a Japanese exchange program that partnered with Bunkyo Gaukin University in Tokyo, he became Sensei by bringing students to the States for a summer semester. He immersed them in American history through classes and taking them on “American” excursions. Those excursions formed some of my fondest memories and I hold tight to the slices of knowledge I gained from them and the time spent with his students.

As his program grew and evolved, he spent the Spring semester teaching in Japan and brought a large group of students from the United States with him. The program still runs to this day, with yearly scholarships for attendance given out in his name through the foundation my family created. He received many accolades, awards, and recognitions for his accomplishments and the program is his legacy he left behind.

His true legacy, however, is much larger than that and it’s still alive in the footprints of his livelihood that left its mark on the hearts of many, being woven into their lives forever. It is a footprint that brought two cultures together, brought families together, and even created families with relationships that were formed through his program and opportunities that never would have been possible without him.

His legacy lives inside of me, his first daughter, adopted at birth. What could possibly speak love louder than the act of taking in a child that is not your own and making them the most important thing in your life?

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The things you don’t realize as a kid come flooding back in adulthood as you begin to experience life in different stages and upon his passing, I was struck with a deep sadness for my neices and nephews who are much younger than my own children and will likely not remember their Grandfather with any distinct memory or know the imprint he made on me and the world.

So I bought a star and named it after him.

Yes, an actual star in the night sky as an everlasting tribute to his legacy and the light he shared.

When the registration certificates came, I sent them out with a letter so they can one day read about the most important thing in MY life… and the nuggets that keep his legacy alive in me.

This is the letter they will open when they are old enough to recognize the vastness of his being and learn the lessons he taught me simply through living.

Dearest nieces and nephews,

Your Grandpa was light in this dark world and there is now a special and exclusively chosen star in the sky, right by the Little Dipper, that will always be shining down on you with the same light that he brought to everyone who knew him. The star is named, “Professor Benny” and registered in the star directory as of October 4, 2021, the day he passed and his soul was released back to the universe.

I chose this name for two reasons. One, because Benny was his nickname in High School and his childhood friends always explained him as one of the best friends you could ever have and dedicated to those he cared about. That is something that never changed in him. Secondly, because of his profession, yes, but he was not only a teacher, he was a mentor, advisor, and committed advocate for international students. It is important to ask yourself throughout the duration of your own life how it impacts others and what good you are bringing to this world. What history will you leave behind? Your grandpa was a champion at leaving positive and inspirational impressions on others from the very beginning of his life to the very end and a shining example of how to appreciate the more important things which are often the little things. The impact that he had on the lives of others was extensive and will be felt through generations as the children of the families he brought together grow up to have families of their own. He was accepting of all people and recognized that the differences in people are what makes them all the more special and valuable. He was an exemplary example of how life should be lived.

He was a generous and kind man, full of ambition with adventures around every corner. He was empathetic and unassuming with a heart full of everlasting, unconstrained love. I called him a “walking thesaurus” because he always had a new and uncommon word for everything. His words, when spoken, were fascinating and meaningful, always voiced with courage and conviction. He was the smartest man I have ever known and taught me so much in the way of discerning right from wrong and taking personal accountability for the transgressions that are committed. He gave me the ability to understand that even the negative circumstances of life teach you important lessons and can manifest into something beautiful. He taught me to cherish the small things, because those small things often end up becoming the big things. He taught me appreciation, gratitude, and the unequivocal importance of unconditional love. He taught me how to be adventurous with a love of nature, culture, and the freedom of opportunity.

The stories of your Grandpa’s life are boundless and I know you will hear them through the remainder of your life in fragments from Grandma & your parents and eventually you will be able to paint a beautiful picture in your mind of the man he was. What I want you to take away from these stories is the example he set in living with compassion, the capability to progress and evolve through the more unpleasant things in life, and decisively choose to leave this world a better place with your intentions and actions, no matter how small the good deed seems. You never know how one simple act of kindness can change someone’s day or even life. Your Grandpa did this with grace.

It takes billions of light years for the light from a star to reach earth, so to us, they are a constant that you will be able to see whenever and wherever life takes you. At any point in time, you can look up at Grandpa’s light and know he is watching over you. All decisions you make in life will be yours and yours alone, but when you find yourself stuck with a difficult decision, a burdensome or challenging situation, or a need a simple pick me up, you can look to him for guidance and hope and he will answer you if you watch for all the signs of his presence around you.

He loved you and he always will… as do I…

Your Auntie Kali

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Before he passed, I was given the opportunity to tell him that I owe my entire life to him… and it couldn’t be more true.

Thank you Dad, for making me the most important thing in your life.