Dad

Dear dad,

I tried so hard to get you to be part of my life. The moment that you and my mom split up, it was like you weren't a parent anymore. At least, not mine. I have always wanted to know why? Why did you not want to be part of my life? Why was it so easy for you to just throw me away?

I learned to ride a bike without you. My sister taught me that. You showed up that day. Right after I finally got it and didn't need her to hold onto the bike anymore. I was so excited, I ran up to you, screaming to tell you that I could do it all on my own. You dismissed it. You were only there for your tools. My excitement drained quickly when you and my mom started fighting. I wrapped around your legs, begging you to take me with you. That was also the last time I had seen you for another 9 years.

When I was almost 15, I had called you because my mom, my brother and I were going to WV to visit. I was told that I could see you when we got there. I was on a walk with my boyfriend when I called you. I had so much excitement and at one point I was actually spinning with joy. Your response was that you didn't want to see my mom.. I broke down and was scream crying in the phone begging you. The phone call ended with a no. My sister had to call you to tell you to grow a pair.

We met you at your work because you didn't want to take the day off. We sat for lunch, and you didn't talk to me at all.. You talked to my mom, who you claim to hate so much. You talked to my brother, who was too small to even remember who you even were when we left. I tried speaking, but, nothing was coming out. What was I supposed to say? You had all of these questions for everyone else, except me.

Fast forward, Im 16. April, 19th, 2009. My boyfriend and I just got back to my house. I was in so much pain. I keeled over and was in fetal position. I was screaming. I didn't know what was happening. I started throwing up blood. My boyfriend ran to get my mom. He picks me up and carries me to the car and held me the whole time. I was in the E.R for 8 hours before my room was swarmed with a surgeon and 6 doctors. She made my family leave, and said they needed to do emergency surgery right away.

I was 15 minutes away from dying. I had 2 liters of blood backed up into my stomach and crushing the surrounding organs. I was bleeding to death. I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured that was the size of a plum. You were called and didn't answer. You never returned anyone's calls. For 14 years, you have never said anything about it. I mean so little to you, that me staring death in the face, didn't mean shit to you.

I stared death in the face and I lived. But, I lost a big part of me that day. Because of it, I can't conceive. I cannot be a mom that I have wanted my entire life. I was left with a huge hole in my heart, added to the one that you caused.

I needed you, and even when you were right there, I couldn't reach you.

I learned a lot from you though. I learned never to take family for granted. To always be there for them no matter what, because, even when they don't need you, they absolutely need you. I learned that you have to stay strong and be who you are destined to be. I learned never to rely on someone else. I learned to not need a dad. I learned that I am stronger, smarter, and better than you. I learned that you missed out on an amazing life that involved your daughter.

You will never know the life that I have lived. You see pictures and hear stories but you will never know the real, raw, life that I live. You will never know the accomplishments that I have done. You will never know the suffering that you put me through. The mental illness that I am challenged with every day. You will never know how hard I work to be happy. How hard I work to be a good wife. You will never know me..

I spent years of my life, wondering why you didn't want me. Why I wasn't good enough for you. But then, it hit me. You are the one who isn't good enough for me.

You will never be who I thought you were. A dad.