The Words that Reduce the Tension in Any Fight

I think we can all now admit that the problem with arguing and fighting is that… they don't work.

Of course, there is no mention of healthy discussions, where there is a dialogue, there is respect from the interlocutors and all opinions are heard.

The disagreements, however, that end up in intense fights, with insults, shouts and characterizations, without any substantial result, are what destroy our relationships and erode the foundations of a strong "alliance".

"Many couples claim to have a hard time communicating, when in fact they start a conversation that escalates into a heated argument and argument," says Pat LaDouceur, psychologist and relationship counselor.

It is true that most of us have been in this position, to listen to the other person speak, but in our mind we are already preparing the answer, which is essentially a negative reaction to what we hear, since as quite selfish beings we want to always be right and most of the time we blurt it out before the other person finishes their sentence.

Communication starts with listening

Kate Murphy, New York Times reporter and author of You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters, claims that one phrase (which tried it in her own relationship) can defuse the tension of an argument and ultimately save your marriage.

According to what she writes in her book, in order to be able to have constructive dialogues (not only on a personal level) we must first become good listeners.

"It's not enough to just nod and stare blankly. We must 'value' listening. To think about what we can gain from what we hear. How will they make us better? What questions should we ask to better understand what is going on? It's more about active thinking than just listening."

Along with the reasoning above, a two-word phrase can dispel tension and lead to a calm resolution to your issues.

It is nothing more than: "I hear you". The psychologist admitted that when during a fight her husband, instead of contradicting her, said this phrase to her, she was surprised to look at him. "I immediately felt calmer. I understood that what I was saying had some backlash and our conversation may not have ended there, but I realized that my husband is not an 'enemy'. We're in this together and we're working towards a common goal, our relationship."

Why does this phrase work

"I hear you" takes us back to the basics of communication – listening skills. For the psychologist, listening means learning. “The above dispute with my husband could have turned out completely differently.

Instead of telling me he's listening, he could interrupt me and speak his mind without actually hearing what I said. How would we end up? Fighting with a lot of nerves and a problem unsolved.

After that everything changed. Certainly, it is not easy and many times the fatigue, the tension and the need to prove that we are right lead us astray, but the effort is worth it and gradually this becomes an experience".

In conclusion, arguments are an inevitable part of any relationship, including those between couples. While they may be uncomfortable and emotionally challenging, they can also serve as opportunities for growth, understanding, and improved communication. It's crucial to recognize that disagreements are not necessarily indicative of a failing relationship; in fact, they can be a sign that both partners are comfortable expressing their feelings and concerns.

To navigate arguments successfully, couples should strive to maintain respect for each other's perspectives, actively listen, and avoid hurtful or destructive behaviors. Healthy conflict resolution can strengthen the bond between partners, fostering a deeper connection as they work through issues together.

It's also important for couples to remember that no relationship is without its share of disagreements. What truly matters is how these arguments are handled and resolved. Seeking compromise, finding common ground, and learning from past conflicts can ultimately lead to a stronger and more resilient partnership. In essence, couples should view arguments not as roadblocks but as stepping stones toward a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.