Start Your Wedding Planning!

So you’re trying to plan a wedding (or any formal/semi-formal event); you do your proper diligence and research what’s considered “required” these days.  Except everything on the internet says something different.  Then your spouse-to-be says they found this article where they think they should be doing XYZ – when really that’s only relevant if your wedding budget is around the national average ($26K (Cost of Wedding, 2016)) and you were hoping to spend way, way less. You start to stress out, seeing your guest list dwindle just at the idea of not including that far away relative, or good friend you met last year, simply because every venue you see has a per plate price that makes you nauseous.

A relative tells you it’s considered "tacky" to have a cash bar; you don’t remember the last wedding you were invited to that didn’t have a cash bar, and can’t quite figure out if that’s because your friends are all tacky, or if they just didn’t pay any credence to that thought. Then you find out what your friend spent on flowers ($2K). You don’t consider yourself crafty enough to make all these decorations you see on Pintrest, and now you find yourself sobbing when someone asks you how wedding planning is going.

Deep breathe. Here we go...

Truth Bomb

Weddings are expensive! There are ways to go low budget, and some places to cut corners. You can also go less formal (way less formal) and have a barbecue in your Family's backyard. For some people that's exactly what they want, but most of us want to fall somewhere in between breaking the bank on a wedding – and having a 4th of July barbecue with presents. The question is: how do we find the balance and plan an event that is both modern and affordable? How do you bring, such a “traditional” affair into the 21st century, preferably without offending grandma?

Information Available

Basically I found that what you find in bridal magazines and on most websites was great advice 20 years ago. Some of it is fine advice if you have a “wedding fund” saved specifically for this occasion. Some of the advice might be relevant if you have a level of financial security or assistance that grows your budget to close to the national average. However, if you’re trying to plan a wedding in 2016 for around (or, gasp, under) $10K, you’re going to have to be creative, and ignore a lot of the advice you read. Best place to go for advice, is friends that planned and paid for their own wedding. Chances are you know someone that did that; of course that’s not always true. Someone in your circle of friends has to be the first, and sometimes that is going to be you (sorry).

Some of the first bits of advice you find online are some of the most divisive. When you search for general help on budgeting your wedding, you get this laundry list of things you “must have” that already would push your budget further than you wanted, it’s hard to differentiate what’s hopeful and what’s realistic. Look at weddings in general. The wedding economic complex as a whole is one tacky thing after another. Best advice I ever got, get over the “that's tacky” phrase first.

Cash Bar vs. Open Bar

Chances are in your travels, people and websites will tell you that the absolute worst thing you can do is have a cash bar (“oooooo, that’s so tacky”). Chances are greater that the person telling you that an open bar is tacky is from an era where parents paid for the weddings that they saved most of their kid’s lives for. If parents of limited means are paying for a wedding and someone says this to them I want to smack them as much as when they tell someone in their late 20s trying to pay for their own wedding. The average age of people I’ve come across that think this way are in their late 50s and I often want to ask them when the last wedding they went to took place. I’ll bet it was prior to 2000.

You know what’s worse than expecting your drinking friends to pay for their own drinks; cleaning drunks up off the dance floor. Surveys show (and understandably so) that people drink exponentially more if it’s an open bar. If you have friends and family that are drinkers, they’re going to drink even if they have to pay for it themselves; at least with them paying for it they’re keeping an eye on how much (probably).

Another aspect of open bar that people forget about is what that costs. Depending on the location and deals that can be reached open bar is likely to run the couple quite a bit of money. Very few venues offer a flat rate for an open bar, most are based on consumption. Basically if you’re really struggling with the idea of a cash bar ask yourself this question: Can I afford my friends drinking habits? For us, the answer was, ‘we can barely afford our own drinking habits,’ so cash bar was more reasonable.

Now, sometimes you can compromise. Have an open bar during cocktail hour (sometimes this is even included in a wedding package at certain venues), wine service during dinner, limited open bar (beer and wine), etc. Giving yourself options like these can ease the idea that you’re having a tacky affair (or appease that relative that just won't stop bitching). If you’re too hung up on this idea, you CAN have a dry wedding. If you and your future spouse aren’t much drinkers, or if you have any members of your family you’d rather not drink, this is a great way to avoid the conversation all together. It may also give you more options for venues if you don't have to think about the liquor laws.

Advice that doesn’t apply in your state

I found this to be super difficult; not every state allows you to do certain things. Advice for saving money I was finding online wasn't relevant to our state. I was planning a wedding in Massachusetts. I also have many friends married in Massachusetts in various areas with varying price points before and since our wedding, so I know that most of the issues we ran into haven’t changed.

1. Liquor laws: Suck. A lot of advice online tells you to bring in your own liquor and have a friend bar tend; you can get it cheaper, and when it’s gone it’s gone, allowing you to both control the cost and consumption. Guess what you legally can’t do almost anywhere in Massachusetts? You guessed it; you can’t bring your own liquor and unlicensed bar tender. You have to hire a service at minimum, and then purchase the liquor through them. This is both an insurance thing and a liquor law thing.

Though, after thought, if you bring your own, and your own bartender you're now liable for any underage drinking or over-serving that might occur; so perhaps its not the worst law.

2. Insurance requirements: Hassle. If you go with a venue that doesn’t generally host weddings/parties/gatherings, they don’t always hold their own insurance. Also places that don’t hold large events might require you to obtain the insurance yourself for your event. It generally isn’t the most expensive thing, so if you have your heart set on getting married on the rustic farm with the apple orchard, the insurance for the day won’t be what breaks the bank, but you will likely have to obtain it. Liability insurance for events is required in many states in order to obtain the event permit, and usually is obtained through your homeowners or auto insurance company for a flat fee. It is just an extra hassle that you should be aware of depending on your state laws.

When relatives give you money

Say you have an aunt who wants to “help out with the wedding,” for which you are overly grateful because even if she is only giving you a small amount it really helps out. You find out a few weeks later that this money comes with strings. She wants you to have this, or that, and starts asking if she can go wedding dress shopping with you. People often offer money because they think it buys them say in the planning. Rule of thumb seems to be if they offer you money, they get a say (even a small one), so be weary of accepting money.

Exception: Offers money to help pay for X. Specific strings for particular items are easier to vary (flowers, transportation, liquor), but if you’re particular about any of those things, I’d have a very frank conversation with them ahead of time. Don’t let anyone just “give you money” unless you know their intentions. No matter how much you need it.

Groom is responsible for what now?

This one came up most recently, and to be fair I never really thought of it. My groom had been in a few weddings, and wanted to be involved in the wedding planning enough that we never really had a “what is my role” sort of fight. So I did a little poking around and have found that advice for grooms is really, really dated (it is 2021 right? I didn't go back in time?).

Saying no: A list of what the groom is responsible for saying “no” too seems to me based on the idea that the bride will be too emotional (or irresponsible) to talk about what things they collectively want and don’t want. Saying that his main job is to veto stuff is not giving him much actual responsibility and makes him the bad guy in an already stressful situation. Do you really want to have fights over whether or not Cousin Greg can bring his 4 year old? You want the groom involved in all of these decisions, and you want them to be discussions based on what everyone wants. Not either one of you dictating or vetoing stuff.

Paying for: Another list I found suggests that the majority of the groom’s jobs involved paying for things. Either paying for lodging for his wedding party, or the officiant or what have you; so few weddings are paid for in this manner. Chances are, in 2021, if you are planning a wedding you have shared finances, or at least a shared budget for the event. That means no monetary items are likely to be handled by one party or the other. All costs and payments will be handled by the couple as a collective. This also means that expenses should be discussed and decided upon collectively. This also keeps all parties on the same page and no one can complain later when they find out what something costs.

Collecting Addresses: This is one I can agree with. The groom should collect any addresses for family and friends that aren’t jointly had with the bride, or even help with some of those. These days it isn’t that hard to get address for our friends. Family might be more difficult it’s easiest if both parties make a list of family (or friends of the family) that need to be invited to the wedding, and if need be acquire address from respective parties. This basically translates to, “call your mother and ask her for Aunt Janice’s address”. Your friends, you’ll ask them on Facebook/Instagram, let’s be honest here.

The only thing that I would say the groom should do on his own is choosing his wedding party. Pick a number that you’ll both adhere too, and choose your parties accordingly. However, if you are collectively including extended family, you might have to put a brother-in-law or cousin in your bridal party. If these are decisions that are being made just to appease family, they should be made together. Pick battles accordingly. *

Despite the laundry list of bad advice for grooms out there I did find one treasure among them. It seems much more realistic to planning weddings and being involved in this day and age: http://www.theplunge.com/.

*Note in regards to bridal parties - there is no rule that says any one has to be on any specific side. If the bride wants her brother to be in her bridal party, there is no reason you can't do that - it is 2021. You might have non-binary friends in your wedding party wearing a suit or dress amongst a sea of the opposite. The rules for bridal parties are really, do what you feel best for all involved. They don't HAVE to be the same number if it just doesn't work, and don't let people bully you into adding extra bodies just to "even them out."

What advice did you get? Did you wish you knew something then that you learned along the way?