sincere love

«I hate him, that's what I always whispered in my heart almost throughout our time together. Getting married because of my parents' compulsion made me hate my own husband. I was forced to do everything because I had nothing else to hold on to. My parents really love my husband because according to them, my husband is the perfect husband for their only daughter.

When I got married, I became a very spoiled wife. I always depended on him because I thought it was as it should be after what he did to me. No one dared to fight. I don't like the wet towel he puts on the bed, I hate it when he puts the spoon left over from stirring milk on the table and leaves a sticky mark, I hate it when he uses my computer even just to finish his work.

At first I chose not to have children. Even though I don't work, I don't want to take care of children. My anger increased even more when I was pregnant with twins and had to experience a difficult birth. He obediently did everything I wanted because I threatened to leave him with our two children.

Time passed until it didn't feel like it was the children's eighth birthday. My husband and children were waiting for me at the dining table. As usual, he was the one who provided breakfast and took the children to school. I just answered with a nod without paying attention to his words which reminded me of the events of the previous year, at that time I chose to go to the mall and not attend my mother's event.

Yes, because I felt trapped in my marriage, I also hated my parents. Before going to the office, my husband usually kisses me on the cheek followed by the children. But that day, he also hugged me so the children teased their father noisily. Even though in the end he smiled with the children.

At the salon I met one of my friends and someone I didn't like. While trying to remember what happened until I couldn't find my wallet, I called my husband and asked. » The salon owner, who is my best friend, actually let me go and said I could pay later when I came back. But the shame because my «enemy» also heard that I had left my wallet made me reluctant to go into debt first.

My hand gripped the cellphone I was holding tightly and several salon employees approached me swiftly asking what was wrong until my face became as pale as paper. I was just silent and waiting for my husband in front of the emergency room. I don't know what to do because all this time he was the one who did everything for me. He died not because of the accident itself, it was a stroke that caused his death.

After hearing that fact, I was busy strengthening my parents and their parents who were in shock. The devastated children hugged me tightly but their sadness was completely unable to make me cry. I realized that this was the first time I had really looked at his face, which looked like he was fast asleep. That's when my chest became tight remembering what he had given me during our ten years together.

I gently touched his cold face and realized that this was the first time I had touched his face which used to always be decorated with a warm smile. The warning from the mosque imam who was arranging the funeral procession could not make me stop crying. I tried to hold it in, but my chest tightened remembering what I had done to him the last time we spoke. Though he always set what I eat.

He paid attention to the vitamins and medicines I should take, especially when pregnant and after giving birth. I never know what he eats because I never ask. Even I don't know what he likes and doesn't like. My chest tightened hearing that, because I knew he might be forced to eat instant noodles because I almost never cook for him.

I only cook for the kids and myself. He also comes home late at night every day because the office is quite far from home. I never wanted to respond to his request to move closer to his office because I didn't want to be far from where my friends lived. I fainted when I saw his body disappear along with a pile of dirt.

My extended family persuaded me in vain because they never knew why I was so hurt by losing him. The days I lived after he left were not the freedom I had always wanted but instead I was trapped in the desire to be with him. But all I remember is when my husband persuaded me to eat when I was sulking first. When I forgot to bring a towel when showering, I shouted for her as usual and when my mother came instead, I squatted crying in the bathroom hoping she would come.

My habit of calling him every time I couldn't do something at home made his coworkers confused about answering my calls. I used to be so annoyed when I went to sleep hearing the sound of his snoring, but now I often wake up because I long to hear him again. I used to be annoyed because he was often messy in our bedroom, but now I feel like our bedroom feels empty and empty. In the past, I really didn't like him making coffee without a placemat on the table, now I don't even want to erase the traces left by his last breakfast.

I can now easily find the television remote, which he usually hides, even though I hope I can compensate for losing it by losing the remote. I did all this stupidity because I just realized that he loved me and I had been hit by his arrow of love. I'm also angry with myself, I'm angry because everything seems normal even though he's gone. I was angry because the clothes were still there leaving a smell that made me miss them.

I'm angry because I can't stop all my regrets. I'm angry because there's no one to persuade me to calm down, there's no one to remind me to pray even though I now do it sincerely. I prayed because I wanted to apologize, apologize to Allah for wasting the husband who was given to me, ask for forgiveness for being a bad wife to a husband who was so perfect. It is prayer that can erase my sorrow little by little.

God's love for me is shown by so much attention from the family for me and the children. My friends, whom I had been defending, almost never showed their noses after my husband left. There are two children waiting for me and I have to support them. I never cared how much his income was, all I cared about was the amount of rupiah he transferred to my account to use for personal needs and every month there was almost no money left.

I don't know where he got the other money to meet household needs because I never asked about that. What I know now is that I have to work or my children will not be able to live because the final salary and bonus compensation will not be enough to support the three of us. My husband's statement letter that he bequeathed all his wealth to me and the children, he accompanied his mother in the letter but what made me unable to say anything was the contents of his letter to me. My dear wife Liliana, sorry for having to leave you first, darling.

sorry for having to make you responsible for taking care of everything yourself. Sorry because I can't give you love and affection anymore. Allah gave me too short a time because loving you and your children is the best thing I have ever done for you. There's not much I can give, but I hope my darling can use it to raise and educate children.

Do what's best for them, yes darling. Don't cry, my spoiled darling. Do lots of things to make up for your wasted life all this time. I give you the freedom to make dreams come true that you haven't had the chance to do so far.

I'm sorry if I gave you trouble and I hope God gives you a better soul mate than me.