Monster in Laws
One reason why many marriages fail and one of many reasons why my past relationships never worked.
Ok so it’s no big secret that from time to time a woman will fall head over heels for a man before realizing that his mother is what every woman dreads. Don’t get me wrong, not every situation is the same because not all mothers are this way. But then there are those who are. Thankfully my current mother in law is absolutely amazing. I would be lost without her and I never thought it was possible. Every single mother in law before her were the polar opposite. They were nosey, overbearing, rude, judgmental and narcissistic. They loathed me and im all about giving back what is given. After awhile, I was a mother in laws worst nightmare right back.
Growing older I have definitely changed as far as being more mature about certain things but I have always said what’s on my mind if I needed to. For those of you who are currently going through this.... keep reading because this might help you make some decisions and lay down some boundaries before you say “I do”. No matter what, it’s never to late to express yourself.
The most common response that I’ve heard from people I’ve taken my problems to about her were, “ohhh she just loves her son, that’s her boy” or some bullshit like “well she is the mother and the first woman in his life” oh and can’t forget my favorite .. “just ignore her, that’s just how she is sometimes you just gotta ignore it and let her be”.
People INCLUDING your man will try to make excuses as to why this woman is the way she is and for some, you’ll go right along with it all and bite your tongue throughout your entire relationship but for those like me.... hell na.
I am all about respect and being a lady and blah blah blah, but I was not raised to be weak nor was I raised to change myself for others to like me. If you get with a man and he finally takes you to meet his mother you should be able to identify the red flags instantly. You’ll get past the introductions and you’ll take a sigh of relief thinking that the worst part is over. Not really.
Time is is passing and you're still new to his family so you're slightly uncomfortable and nervous and then it begins. She looks at her son and with a sarcastic tone says this shit... “I haven’t seen you in forever since you’ve got a new girlfriend. Guess I’m just chopped liver”.
Here’s another one... “gosh son why don’t you eat you look so skinny are you eating? If you need me to make you food I will and you can come by and pick it up for work”. As if you don’t feed her grown ass son. That’s when you immediately feel that territorial vibe going on. For some this might go right over your head. But if your prepared, you’ll catch it right away.
But don’t let this spook you. Who knows, you may be getting the wrong impression. Probably not but hey, we can all wish. Time will go on and you and your significant other will spend more and more time together, and now your maybe even living together. One day you and him will have this huge fight because your pissed that he didn’t do the one thing you asked him to do. Guess what he is gonna do?... he’s gonna call his mother. He is going to somehow make this about you, and make it seem like you crazy for being mad at all and it will then be our fault. At this time he will most likely be upset so he doesn’t realize the drama he's about to cause... then twenty minutes or maybe an hour later he will kiss your ass after realizing you were right.
But before he comes to his senses, she will listen to her son talk about how annoying you are and how difficult you are being. She will not even stop to think about you or try to hear your side ... and she will say something like this....
“That’s ridiculous, she has no reason to mad at all. You did nothing wrong, I’m gonna tell her”....
Or maybe this.... “Oh my god, are you serious, how stupid I can’t believe you put up with that she needs to stop being so needy and controlling”.
You will instantly be the one who is wrong. And she might even call you and make you feel stupid or like your overreacting. When this happened to me, she did just that... she called me. I was so pissed and I felt so betrayed because I had no idea that my boyfriend was confiding in the one person who already found every flaw plus more in me. He knew how I felt about her already. I felt embarrassed, like my protector wasn’t protecting me at all. It wasn’t all of her fault ....because he allowed this.
I told this woman “You know what, do not call my phone and think that you have a right to comment on my relationship with your son. You may be his mother, but that doesn’t give you the right to be in my business. Do you know what your son does to me? Or how I feel? No, you don’t. So don’t call me with that shit again.” I let her see that I wasn’t the one. I wasn’t like every other girl he dated. And she didn’t like that.
For the next few months I would wait in the car while he visited, I would avoid going over there at all and this caused tension. But why did I have to be the bigger person? Why did I have to allow her to be disrespectful and narcissistic because “that’s just how she is”? So since I’m rude and have a big mouth and I don’t put up with people like that and I’ll tell someone to their face, get in their face ...it’s ok she will have to just ignore me because that’s how I am? No. Even if I got snappy back, this man would get so upset and would fight with me for his mom, have her back because me treating her the way she does me wasn’t right. Why didn’t he ever get mad at her? I’m his partner. We share a relationship like no other, emotionally, sexuallly and so much more but yet you have never had my back like you’ve had hers. Am I second priority? Is it me?
At this point it hit me. I knew that this was going to be a problem. I don’t know what’s worse... the mother of the man you love will do whatever it takes to push you away or the man that you love allows his mother to do whatever it takes to push me away. Not getting acceptance from a mother in law is not something anybody wants. Still, this doesn’t mean you should settle or deal. You have to know when enough is enough. You have to understand the importance of a mother in a mans life and the importance of a child to a mother.
In turn, the mother and your significant other must understand that in reality, children grow up, they move out and meet someone just as they did and they start a family of their own. The mother must remember how it was for her and her spouse at first. She must remember that she cannot call the shots she cannot be rude and expect people to be nice. She cannot do whatever she wants in a home that her son and YOU have built. She cannot tell you how to be a mother or how to raise your children or demand things from you. She must realize that her son is not a boy but a man. And as a man, he must stand by his significant other and lay down the boundaries in the very beginning to avoid the grudges and the fights.
And for the mother in laws.... think about it this way. At the beginning of each day and every single night when the sun goes down and your home relaxing and you look next to you... who is there? Your children are now grown and have all started their own families and so who is there? Your significant other is. Your partner. That is who you have built this foundation with. That is who you will always have when the gatherings and the holidays and the milestones are over. So remember that when you are holding hate or dislike or jealousy against a woman who is going to be with your son when you take your last breath.
It’s not a competition on who loves him more or who took care of him, because you will do just that for the first 18-20 years of his life. And then his wife will be there for 50+ doing his laundry, cooking his meals, birthing his children and your grandchildren and more. It’s ok to be happy for your son. It’s ok to not see him or talk to him everyday. Embrace the woman who will love your son and support him and give the girl a break.
We don’t all go through this, again we all come from different situations. Some people think this is normal, some people still live at home with their parents and their wife because of how close they are. I did go through this and I’d do it all over again if it led me to the man I have now and more importantly to my mother in law. Sometimes you learn to pick your battles but you must always stand your ground. Sadly, not every relationship will survive. Think about whether or not this is a life you can live until your time comes. The choice is ultimately yours. This is your future and you only live once.
You can only do so much for acceptance, but don’t lose yourself because you are afraid of leaving or walking away. Don’t stay and beat yourself up trying to figure out what you can do to be better. You're already great, and even then you’ll never be good enough. Until you move on and find someone new like me. The repercussions will hurt you for a lifetime if you stay and allow it.... and leaving because you aren’t being treated right will hurt too... but not for a lifetime.
As thumper would say... “if you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all”.
Good luck world ♥️