Fix Your Marriage: The Do's & Don'ts

it is helpless and a frustrating

feeling that consumes your mind and

ravages your heart it seals your sleep

you desperately want to know how to save

your marriage but you have no answers

you don't even know if it's possible to

save your marriage if your spouse wants

out especially when your spouse says

repeatedly that it's over he gets

furious when you try to talk about it

sometimes he yells other times he

displays no emotion at all but the

message is always the same you're making

it worse and driving me to leave faster

when you try to do anything to save our

marriage you don't know how the person

that you love who once so deeply loved

you can now treat you as if you are the

enemy you've longed for any sign of

affection a hug a smile even just a kind

word and you pray that it will be once

again what it once was you ate in a way

that you can't explain and it's a pain

that never subsides during the day and

it wakes you up at night if you can fall

asleep at all you want to know how to

save your marriage you constantly worry

what can I do can I say the right thing

or find some miracle that's going to

save my marriage I know I was told to

stop trying but I don't want to give up

and what makes it worse is that the

spouse who wants out is right when he or

she says that you're trying to save the

marriage is just pushing them further

away it usually does if she wants out of

the marriage she will get more

aggravated with you become meaner and

went in what she said and find a faster

way out if you keep trying but does that

mean that there's no hope should you

give up and accept that it's over

instead of continuing to ask how to save

your marriage

no well you may be thinking if there is

hope and I shouldn't accept that it's

over are there magic words some amazing

thing that I can do that is suddenly and

miraculously going to change my spouse's

mind no did I just contradict myself

allow me to explain here

what won't work to save your marriage

when your spouse wants out number one

giving up you can give up some of your

friends maybe even your counselor may

tell you that's exactly what you should

do and though I spend my life helping

people salvage what other people

consider hopeless marriages even I agree

that there is a time to accept the

inevitable and start moving on with your

life if your spouse leaves you and moves

on there can definitely come a time to

accept that your marriage is over and

find a path to a different life in a new

relationship however in my experience

and our experience here at Marriage help

are working with couples giving up

usually occurs far too early there is a

definite consequence when you accept

that it's over emotionally mentally and

physically disconnect from your spouse

that won't bring him or her back to you

so don't give up too soon number two

clinging and begging for your spouse to

stay you can push harder

demand more clean bags and do all sorts

of things to try and pressure your

spouse to stay most people tend to do

that because they love their spouse so

deeply and they desperately want to save

their marriages unfortunately it doesn't

work in actuality it drives the other person from you even faster think of it

this way attraction is what draws people

together repulsion is what drives them

apart

no one is attractive when he or she

falls apart emotionally cries whines or

begs and while human compassion

generally drives us toward helping a

person in pain it also drives us away

from a person whose pain is caused by us

when we have no intention of stopping

the action that's causing the pain

though the emotions you feel that lead

you to these actions are powerful they

aren't effective in helping you to save

your marriage so don't do them here's

number three allowing yourself to be

manipulated you can give in to all of

your spouse's demands and let him or her

determine the path that you follow we

see it regularly with spouses who refuse

to seek help or who yield to every

demand because the spouse who is leaving

becomes

angry or threatens to take the children

or bring about some financial penalties

somehow the spouse longing to save the

marriage buys into the idea that if they

just go along with everything then the

spouse who's leaving will come to his or

her senses and renew the marriage but it

doesn't work the manipulation through

anger or threats serves the purpose of

freezing you into not taking action so

that the spouse who is leaving can get

to do the things that they want to do

with the least amount of difficulty so

don't allow yourself to be manipulated

you might be thinking well what can I do

here's how to save your marriage if your

spouse wants to leave

number one hang in there a little longer

our experience with the people on our

team here at marriage helper over the

past 20 years and thousands and

thousands of couples tells us that the

most people who give up do it too soon

and we don't blame them for reaching a

point of pain where they simply don't

want to go any further yet I personally

have witnessed the success of those

people who hung on just a little longer

but that success came only if they did

the right things in other words staying

just to stay may have a positive effect

but staying and doing the right things

has a far greater chance of saving your

marriage and you might be wondering well

what are those things here's number two

work on the pies no don't literally go

and make a pie work on your pies in the

book with our founder dr. Joe beam the

art of falling in love

he explains them a lot more thoroughly

we also have other YouTube videos that

do that as well the P stands for

physical the I stands for intellectual

the II for emotional and the S for

spiritual and those are the four general

ways that we are attracted to another

person physical attraction is easy

enough to understand intellectual

attraction means that we have enough in

common that we understand each other but

also that we stimulate each other's

minds emotional attraction happens when

a person does things that evoke emotions

within us that we enjoy feeling they

make us laugh feel special feel safe or

any other emotion that we

joy spiritual attraction doesn't mean

specifically religion but the beliefs

and values that a person holds unless we

are rebelling in some fashion we tend to

be drawn toward people we perceive as

having beliefs or values that are

similar to ours or that we perceive as

being better than ours just as a side

note when people are rebelling or acting

out that tends to be just the opposite

rather than them being attracted to the

people who have beliefs and values

similar to theirs they tend to go with a

completely different beliefs and value

system

so rather than begging or whining get to

work on yourself get to work on your

pies it doesn't matter what age you are

or what body type you have that's not

what this is about

your spouse was attracted to you

physically at one time so make yourself

as physically attractive as you can for

your age in your situation in life you

can't be 21 again if you're 42 but you

can be the best 42 year old version of

you that you can be stimulate your mind

by finding new ways to learn go and take

a wine-tasting class or a cheese tasting

class get into a book club read the

magazines that honestly make you think

and expand your mind maybe one specific

to an area of interest that you have

like science or culture or travel and

when you talk with your spouse rather

than talking to him or her about your

problems engage them in discussions that

involve both of your minds this means

that you're not talking about the

marriage or your relationship problems

or you may find that your spouse doesn't

want to be involved in the discussion if

that's all that you focus on remember

what you did that evoke positive

emotions in your spouse and do those

things again however do not do anything

that he or she may see is manipulative

don't bring flowers to your wife if she

wants to leave you that might backfire

so for example if your husband used to

like going for a walk with you ask him

to go for a walk with a casual promise

that you won't bring up anything about

your problems it's just a walk and live

up to that promise live up to your

spiritual state from the time in your

life when you best liked what you

believed and valued don't parade it just

simply be the best you that you've ever

been number three be is under

standing and accepting as you can be the

key to love is acceptance when a person

feels accepted is he or she really is

rather than having to live up to someone

else's expectations then they truly feel

loved unfortunately your spouse is

wanting to leave is something that you

don't accept nevertheless if you can

accept what he or she feels without

arguing or explaining the error of those

feelings then you can begin to develop a

relationship again we've seen wives who

have done this so effectively that their

husbands make their plans to depart and

be with his lover and then they finally

come to the point of coming back to us

here at marriage helper the the husband

that's leaving and telling us that the

only two people that understand him are

his lover and his wife he said that his

wife was becoming his best friend

because he could talk to her about

anything including his desire to be with

his lover admittedly that's a very tough

thing to do on the part of the wife

however it worked her amazing strength

and accepting him though she never

indicated any acceptance for his affair

brought him back into relationship with

her he ended his affair asked and

received his wife's forgiveness and

together they made their marriage

amazing again and here's a bonus tip for

you be willing to forgive and learn to

love again for many years I've

personally witnessed people doing the

things above that we've already talked

about in those actions leading their

spouse to come back to them but that

didn't immediately solve all their

problems they had more to do to make

their marriage what it should be because

it's a process it's not a magic pill

however the process works if you love

enough to do what it takes to change the

course of your spouse's intentions well

the things that we suggest always work

we both know that it does not always

work but it works most of the time so

what can you do now whatever issue

happened in your marriage didn't happen

overnight and in a short video like this

I can't explain all of the nuances that

got your marriage to be in the place

that it's in now but I can offer you

this hope no

matter the situation I and the people on

our team here at marriage helper have

seen so many thousands of people save

their marriage from the most dire of

circumstances in what set those people

apart from those who were headed towards

divorce they had hope they had their

hope that propelled them to do all of

the right things to save their marriage

so if you want to do something to save

your marriage if you don't want to just

sit and wait for whatever path of

divorce that you might be headed on or

even just being stuck in a miserable

marriage and you don't want that for

your future and you're ready for a

change then we're here for you the most

effective way that we can help you save

your marriage no matter if your spouse

wants out or if they're trying to come

back and make it work is our marriage

helper workshop this workshop has a 77

percent success rate it's saving

marriages that are on the brink of

divorce where there's one spouse that

wants out the kind of situation that

your marriage is in right now we see

that every other week at our workshops

that we have for marriages they're what

we call turnaround weekends and we

accept the couple's and see the couples

coming through our doors that everyone

else has given up on even when there's a

divorce in place or a divorce has

already happened or there's separation

or if your spouse wants out and only

wants to figure out how to leave the

marriage we can still help you you can

call our office to find out more about

our marriage helper workshop and the

other resources that we have for your

marriage you can call that at 866 nine

zero three zero nine nine zero we have a

team of people who would love to talk to

you about it . thanks