The Rules of the Man-cave

Apparently, men think about sex every seven seconds (we don't).

And we probably all masturbate profusely until our wrists hurt (we really don't).

And we all have a dark, dingy, comic-riddled, body-odour smelling corner in our homes where we hide from others to game, wank or think about sex every seven seconds or maybe do all three at once (we really, really don't).

All men aren't club-thumping, sex-obsessed, cave-dwellers we have, despite the recent press, achieved some pretty cool things over time – carbonated drinks (pop) springs to min – and we have come a long way since our ancestors first stepped out of their caves. However, the desire to have a safe space, call it a cosy corner if you will, is a primordial need deep in our very essence of being a bloke, a chap, a lad, a man. We all deserve a man-cave, and we should all be proud to celebrate them. In the last year, in a time of coronavirus, my man-cave has been a place to escape, to reflect, to relax, and most of all, to feel safe.

A man-cave doesn't have to be a sweaty cesspit for porn and pretzels in your parent's basement. It's a place to celebrate who you are as an individual, the things you love, the things that inspire you, even the things you have achieved. It may not have an arm-knitted throw and scatter cushions (of course it can if you want), but it should visually represent who you are.

I love my man-cave, and I do call it that. It has a sign and everything. In fact, it has two as both my Mum and fiancée, independently of each other, bought me a man-cave sign so like the good son and partner I am I had to display them both, I mean, I happily chose to display them both.

I jest, but they both know how much I love my little space up in the dormer of my loft and here are the reasons why. Here are my rules for what, I think, makes a good man-cave.

Rule 1 – Embrace the boy that became a man

What did you love as a kid? What did you want to be? What inspired you? Who were your heroes?

As a kid growing up in the 80s, I was obsessed with men with moustaches. I don't know why. But I was. Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian, Tom Sellick as Magnum PI, and Burt Reynolds as everything he was ever in - I loved them. That's why Magnum and Bandit guard the entrance to my dormer in the form of two displate metal prints.

They welcome me every day as I enter the cave. Their thick black hirsute top-lips instantly take me back to my youth's TV shows and films. But more importantly, they immediately take me back to a time before bills, before adult stress, before the pain of life.

This first rule is about not being afraid to embrace, reassure, and nurture the inner child and the things you have loved in life. The man-child is a concept that is often mocked, but there should be no shame in loving the things you adored as a kid.

This year the world has felt less safe for us all, and as a grown man I make no qualms in admitting that in my man-cave surrounded by objet d'art of things from my youth I feel safe. Whether it is my Thundercat's Lion-O figure that I used to play with . Or a Boba Fett helmet I got for my 39th birthday, yes my 39th birthday!

Or the print of Han Solo.

In my man-cave, I am blanketed with the security of being a boy with hopes, dreams and heroes. I feel happy, and I feel safe. I am in a place that exists before the loss I have experienced as an adult. A man-cave should be a place of security.

Rule 2: Pick your genre, and run with it

If you're a rocker, hang guitars on the wall, have a drum-kit, get a life-sized cut-out of tongue-waggling Gene Simmons.

If you dream of visiting Westeros and are obsessed with Game of Thrones, get an Iron Throne!

Whatever your love, whatever your fix, whatever causes you to fanboy to shit, embrace it in your space.

I am a kid of the 80s ergo I was raised on VHS. In my opinion, cinema peaked in the 1980s, and the walls of my man-cave are a testament to it. Limited edition movie prints from Dark City Gallery and Bottleneck Gallery adorn my walls: Indiana Jones, Blade Runner, The Untouchables are all represented with stunning images.

Even the stairs to my man-cave are covered with 1980s comic wallpaper. The point is simple if you have a love and you have a space to show it off, then show it the fuck off. For example, I am days away from receiving a Drew Struzan signed Goonies print. If you know 80s film posters, you know!

Rule 3 – A Cave must have cave paintings

Empty white walls are the realm of asylums and houses in Scandinavian murder dramas. They are not suitable for a home. They are certainly not ideal in the man-cave. Like an Irish pub with bicycles and brass on the wall or a backpacker's hostel with hundreds of signed banknotes from around the globe, adorn your man-cave with meaningful paraphernalia that celebrates your genre and your love.

We've been painting walls in caves since the dawn of humanity – continue the tradition. But a man-cave isn't Plato's cave, it must celebrate the world and life you have lived outside its walls. Don't be afraid to bring the meaningful inside. Your Dad's war medals, your daughter's first soccer boots, your bottle opener from your college days - decorate those walls with things that obey rules one and two.

Rule 4 – You've earnt it, so spend a little

Limited edition hand-signed movie screenprints don't come cheap, and with everyone I buy I might get asked the same question by my fiancée – "How much did that cost you?" But I don't care. My answer is the same: "It makes me happy, and you can't put a price on that." I also usually mumble something about her recent delivery from ASOS and that they're all investments as I shuffle up the stairs to my cave to stare at my new artwork lovingly.

Rule four is about not feeling bad about splashing a bit of cash on what you love. Don't decorate the man-cave to the detriment of your family and self. Food, shelter, clothes all come before a 3D printed life-size model of Baby Yoda but hell if all the other stuff is paid for and the kids aren't rummaging through the neighbours bins then get yourself that Grogu. Who could resist those big eyes anyway?

Rule 5 – Share it! Even girls are allowed.

The biggest misconception about the man-cave is that it's a place where only men go to drink Bud, letch about women and watch football, but it isn't. A man-cave shared is a man-cave loved.

My partner and I regularly watch films in my man-cave. If we want to go old-school and stick on a DVD rather than stream a TV show, we go to the man-cave. At house parties it frequently becomes the room that guests disappear to chill, to reminisce perhaps, or as I mostly hope to stand in awe of all my cool shit.

"Is that a real Frank Sinatra autograph?"

"Yes. Yes, it is!"

Chances are if you have a recognised man-cave in your house, you have a very understanding partner and or family. So, don't hide it from them, let them share in its magically cosy and comforting glow. Your kids will understand you better if they know why you have that thing hanging off that thing on the wall. Tell them the story. Tell them about you. Tell them what you love. They'll love you for it.

This year my man-cave has been more critical than ever. I've worked in it for nine months now instead of in my work's office. I've painted, printed, drawn, read and written in it. In the third national lockdown here in the UK, my man-cave continues to be a place that I feel safe, that I feel cosy, that I feel happy, that I feel me (and no not in that way). That's why I love it. And that's why I think every man, woman or child deserves a 'cave' to feel special, to feel secure, to feel human.

Go, make yours.