The Renovator Nightmare

The Renovator Nightmare

Some Partners should never have a go.

I was married once to a bloke who thought he was good looking, a lady's man and smart. A renovator was on his list of awesome. I remember when my then husband Fred thought he was a builder of things. We were in a rental duplex and had been married about 3 years, when he decided that Sarah the dog needed a nice house so that is what his project was to be.

I could here bang, bang, then he made me look at his handy work while explaining how the New Dog House will look, insulated and with a swinging door, let's not forget the genius light that would allow the dog to see going into her

new house. What I inspected was how he made a wooden frame (sort of) it was attached to the wooden fence and off the ground. Poor bugger, I didn't have the heart to tell him what I really thought of it (not good thoughts at all).

A few days later we had a big storm with the strongest winds, the Dog House blew off the fence taking some of the fence as well. Fred was not happy and blamed the wood he was using. Well Fred broke up all that wood and put the pieces in an oil drum that had green weeds I had put earlier. I told him he couldn't burn green stuff. Well he said I was wrong, he disappeared and came back with a Gerry Can of Petrol, plus matches. Fred then poured the petrol into the Drum.

Stupid, Stupid Fred and I mean stupid lit the match while he had his face over the drum, whoosh up went the flames like a fire bomb, Fred burnt his face, no moustache, no eye brows and a good part of his hair looked really sizzled. I had to rush get a wet cold towel to wrap his face in and take him to the emergency department at the local hospital. The doctor at the hospital told him off for not taking care and suggested he doesn't play with matches in future.

We moved because we purchased a house in Kwinana, Western Australia and it had a huge shed right smack in the middle of the garden. One day Fred decided to move the shed to a more suitable position and I offered help but he just about bit my head as to speak.

Of course being the almighty bloke he refused my help, after awhile he came in and excitedly told me how he had finished erecting the shed mentioned how quick he was able to do. "See didn't take long, how good is that!" he told me.

Boy! He just about twisted my arm to make me have a look, OK so he was wearing a smug look on his face, what could I say, I really couldn't deflate his ego, after all what sort of wife does that.

All proud of himself, he went in had a shower and got dressed for his night job of security. The morning came and he told me he couldn't stay as he had business to attend to. Very proudly gave a glance at the shed and said "See I told you I was good at doing stuff, It's still standing!". "Alright you did good!" I told him. In my mind I just knew something would happen, it always did.

We had a big heavy winds come through our town and I wasn't feeling that well, so I was lying on the couch and must have fallen asleep for a bit. I woke to my neighbour at the door, Beverly asked if I heard a big bang. "No didn't hear a thing". Well she told me I should look out back because the shed has fallen neatly in on one and other. "Right! " I said, together went down to back yard.

You see that husband of mine just put in a couple screws in the corners of the walls, BUT! Fred didn't screw the roof on. Well when Fred came back for a break,

I told him he had better look at his handy work. Oh dear he didn't like what had happened and he got cross at me because I was laughing, just couldn't stop laughing. I didn't see him again until midday the following day.

My father and brother's help they erected the shed with the roof secured and then concreted walls to the floor.

Quite a few years later, on a Sunday morning Fred had the renovating bug because he had been watching some workmen renovating a block of units.

Well how to say what happened next?...............Fred goes to his van and came back inside with a BIG Jackhammer, what they use for breaking up concrete paths and roads. A Jackhammer right!. I told him you don't use one of them to remove tiles. Wow! I got my head bitten off again with "Don't tell me my job, I have experience you know, I did watch the workmen on how to use it. I know what I am doing!" so he says, then gives me some money and told me to go shopping for awhile, his way of getting rid of me.

"Yeah whatever!", I said, so off I went and believe me I didn't know what to expect when I return.

I was gone maybe 5 hours shopping and visiting a dear friend who was elderly very nice lady. I thought of her as a grandmother and I loved her, she was a laugh filled with jokes. I am thinking time to go home, goodness know what I will find. Pulled up in the driveway, it was all silent. "Maybe he couldn't work out the jackhammer or he fell asleep in his lounge chair. Gosh I hope he did, I tell you I really didn't want him too do anything.

Fred was one of those people that you could not offer opinions, give advice and especially note a problem. Better off leaving him learn a lesson as to speak.

I'm out of the car and go up the steps to the front door. Just as I was about to open the door, Fred opens it and wanted to show me his hardy work. Okay, so we get to the laundry and I'm like absolutely speechless and I am looking at him smirking a pleased look on his face. Yes speechless!, the laundry floor there was a tiny patch of concrete that the washing machine was sitting on, Fred stamps his foot on it and says "See I saved this bit because it's a good bit of concrete!!". Sure the tiles have gone and the walls are badly cracked. The sink was out in the yard along with the laundry cupboard. The hose from the washing machine is stuck in a pipe in the dirt floor.

The toilet he even cracked the bottom of the ceramic bowl, The door was missing and he had dug about two feet deep of dirt around the walls.

Why did you dig the dirt I asked. No joke Fred said "I have to paint it black with water proofing paint." What a mess and in winter. The walls he cracked was bad, also cracked right into the lounge wall with the force of this Jackhammer, after all he was experienced at using this mighty tool just watching other workmen renovating.

I tell you it wasn't just one winter but three more winters had come and go, Fred hadn't done nothing since the day he started his renovating. Rambo my dog thought it was a great renovation job because he was burying his bones in the laundry that had a 2feet drop from the hall floor at the doorway. My friend and Neighbour Ruth came to visit and asked me how the renovating was going. I took her to see and she too was speechless, "Maybe you can suggest what creeping plant that would look good on the walls and perhaps some grass for the floor." I said in a wisecrack joke. Seriously Ruth was so dumb founded I think she was in disbelief.

I got a bit sick and coughing non stop, I was sick of the amount dust that was in the house, especially on dry summer windy weather. I got a tissue and collect a finger wipe of dust and showed my Doctor. I told him what Fred did and he starting laughing but he also apologised for laughing. I asked for a Doctor's note to give to my husband as a matter of urgency as his renovating was a health hazard. Of course my Doctor did good on writing me a note. Fred was not happy at all because I think he could have felt a little embarrassed. He still did not get it fixed what he started.

Another 2 winters had passed and this particular winter was a bad one. Storms lightening, thunder and very heavy rains so bad that Kwinana's old trees came out of the ground with their roots. Fred came home with a brand new Surround Sound Television and he got the help of a neighbour at the back of us. It took two weeks for these two blokes to fiddle with antenna on the roof to get a clear picture. Two weeks of up down and turn around unbelievable.

One night the weather was bad, raining really heavy, thunder and lightening I woke up at some ungodly hour to rush to the toilet. I forgot about the dirt floor and it was muddy, I couldn't wait so I quickly sat down on the toilet seat. Bugger me dead! I slipped right off the toilet seat into mud. I got up turn the light on and it was going ZIT, ZIT, ZIT and water was pouring out of the globe. Oh you bet I was hopping mad at Fred.

I rang him up and told him, I don't care what kind of weather it is, he had better come home straight away and fix the roof. Fred didn't come home for 3 days. In the meantime I had to take an Umbrella into the toilet with me.

Why was it raining in the toilet? Answer = The two clever men used roof tiles leaning up against the antenna wires to hold it in place. They could have caused an electrical fire.

A couple of months passed when two men came to the house as they wanted to buy a couple of parrots. Fred was sleeping in the his lounge chair when the men came in. Fred said without looking at them. "Watch your step I am doing some renovations", it didn't seem to bother them up until they stood at the edge of the wooden floor hallway door. Looked at me and went to ask, I told them. "Shhh say nothing, absolutely nothing".

We were in the backyard and I could tell they wanted to know about the Fred's renovation and I put my finger to my lips to say Shhh". They chose two parrots and wanted to come back later with a carry box. Now I tell you that when we had gone out the front yard, I asked them what they did for a living.

Funny thing, they told me Floor, Wall Tiles plus are qualified Plasterers and what they saw must have been a nightmare. Those two fellows more than likely laughed all the way down the street.

A Local radio station had a segment talk on renovating and asking people to ring in to talk about tips for doing renovations. You bet I did call the show but about how not to renovate. The radio had gone silent but I could hear a lot of people laughing.

I'm happy he has married someone else, I like my life now and do all my own building and renovating.

Cheers

Note: names have been changed so as to not embarrass anyone related in this true story.