THE REAL BEST SPRING CLEAN PLAN EVER

So everyone wants to RENEW, REWIND, RELAX

Haven't we been through a life-altering mind-bending year, together... and alone?

Like our computers we need to reconfigure- download some things -upload some things- defragment and delete- send to Spam and by all means empty the 'recycle bin'.

But that sounds like exhausting work. Where's the exit? We need the glowing red EXIT sign to get out and away from this year from our homes our havens that are heaped (with too much too complicated too hard) But somehow we feel the need to SPRING CLEAN before we can SPRING FREE.

We need spring cleaning of the soul, spring cleaning of the mind and heart but FIRST the DISHES.

How DO WE GET IT DONE though? There is SO MUCH TO CLEAN!

Look around:

There's the dust on that narrow little bit along the top of the floorboards, mocking us from its low-ledged perch- do we have to crawl the perimeter?

Then there's the fuzzy dust and fly-specks on EVERY SINGLE WINDOW TREATMENT. ( Let's not think about the state of the windows themselves, inside or out...) We have sneaking suspicions that everyone else bought that special fingered window blind cleaner we all saw on ubiquitous commercials late at night (or was it a dream) And they will get THEIR window treatments to sparkle.

You don't have far to look to discover the spider webs that have had the DUST BUNNIES get caught in them. Are they to be called Spiderbunnies now? or Bunnywebs?

If we are perfectly honest about the state of things we have to address the inside of things. The inside of the freezer, (there is so much frost on that bulky object in the back. We aren't sure if it could be part of a Woolly Mammoth from Siberia or those buy one get one free pork chops from 2015) Then there's the INSIDE of the Fridge. How on earth does one accumulate 12 salad dressing bottles with 1/4 a teaspoon of drizzle at the bottom? There are unidentified leftover containers and other oddities which beg the question: "can I really catch botulism if I took off the lid?" and ,"is Milk a liquid or a solid?" Then there are those jumbo traffic light colored peppers you bought 6 months ago- and they look as bright and beautiful as the day you brought them home. They really are made of plastic...

The junk drawer ...or drawers.. CAUSE you can't have just one!! Tumbled chaos at it's zenith! Who even knows where all the things in the Junk Drawer came from? We know we need the stuff. That's where we go looking every time we need some tiny object. Super glue, paperclip, AAA batteries, matches, chopsticks (why not?) pliers, a deck of cards you get the idea. Shut the drawer, shut your mouth you'll catch flies, we are leaving the Junk Drawer alone!

The rest of the kitchen drawers fare no better. The terrible maelstrom of forks knives spoons, utensils and orphan Tupperware. Pull open a drawer and see for yourself. The contents stop their hubbub of partying and look up gaping at you. Close the drawer slowly and you swear you can hear the faint tinkle of martini glasses.

Dare we speak now of dresser drawers? Alack and alas, Marie would be very sad, it would not spark joy at all if she saw the tumbled chaos of our socks and underwear, our shirts and scarves and trousers. Oh my!

Spring is for GROWTH and fresh starts. But when we are shackled to surreal piles of Pandemic clutter of epic proportions (books, puzzles, the UNMATED SOCK SOCIETY BASKET, bottled water (Holie-Schmolie some have sprung a leak on the closet floor perilously close to the TOILET PAPER STASH, and those crunchy cases of RAMEN...just in case, and last years fall flies are an inch thick toes up on all the windowsills and the Dust bunnies have reproduced at rates faster than Mark Twain's-possibly-not-original-but-I-Love-him-anyway, quote about lies and truth pulling its boots on-- and BOOM SPRING is gone by the time you can windex all the dog snot off the windows and THERE WENT YOUR RENEWAL!

REWIND.

RELAX.

I GOT YOU.

So here's the plan Stan:

Who's got time to REGENERATE, RENEW and possibly have an Epiphany of the soul or two with all that MESS!

DO THIS INSTEAD:

It involves a little bit of work and a whole lot of , "THIS RIGHT HERE is WHAT IM'MA GONNA DO!"

1. Clear a space in the middle of the floor.

2. Start in one room and begin gathering things you can sell off on LET GO, FACEBOOK buy sell GROUPS, EBAY, etc. Have a Flash Garage Sale! (THAT MEANS you just put your SALES ITEMS directly where people driving by can SEE you are having a GARAGE SALE - Pffft, saves all the trouble of putting up garage sale signs!) takes zero planning :just flag random cars down and sell, SELL, SELL!

3. Round 2. Go back through rooms and closets Hodge-Podge or systematically , doesn't matter, ( stay with me here: you'll see why soon...) GATHER UP MORE STUFF. BE merciless. You need to sell a bunch of stuff off in order to reach THE RELAX REWIND REGENERATE stage.

4. SELL THE STUFF. ( yeah no whining). It will take a bit of effort to take pictures on your smart phone and upload to those sales sites, but then you will have generated the necessary funds.

5. TAKE THE CASH and hire a wonderful local cleaning business to CLEAN AND ORGANIZE YOUR DIGS. Yes! hand over a chunk of dough, add in a generous tip. Beg them to remove the tribes of BUNNIES and the LAYERS OF FLIES, pay EXTRA FOR MARIE CONDO style SPARK JOY LEVEL OF ORGANIZING- Add in another generous tip.

6. Meanwhile: WALK AWAY - walk in or walk out, walk around up and down. Come back home. And there you are. Spring is sprung! Clean is done. You have oodles of time to Renew Regenerate...and go ahead and have an Epiphany or two.

Spring. Clean. Done.