The Perfect Cabin

Have you ever spent days creating luxurious accommodations that never in your wildest dreams would you ever be able to afford?

Like short of gaining a fabulous amount of wealth, like winning the lottery or becoming a Senator, it’s a house that will forever reside in your dreams.

Or are you normal?

Well, I spend far too much time doing this.

I’ve done all my life in fact.

In middle school, I would spend math class doodling on a piece a graph paper constructing a truly fantastic, if structurally unsound, mansion. This also probably explains my math grades.

So what does the perfect dream home look like? Well if you know me, which dear Internet stranger I realize you don’t, then the perfect home is some kind of cabin.

Now, I go back and forth on cabins. Part of me wants the simple mountain man's existence with a single-roomed cabin surrounded by forest, a wood fire stove, and a dog for company.

But then the other half of me truly wants one of those opulent mountain palaces I used to see on the Travel channel.

And since this is imaginary and the only budget is grey matter and creativity then it is with the opulent one we will go, as it is far more fun to write about.

And so we shall begin.

Now, it’s no discussion of the perfect home is complete without talking about the grounds on which it shall be built.

I’m thinking remote.

Middle of nowhere country.

I spent quite a lot of time in Northern Michigan and I don’t see why I would go anywhere else and there are plenty of places where the deer outnumber the people 10 to 1.

So I will find a vast plot of land, of both timbered ground and cleared area, and it is on this rock I shall build my church.

I think a nice parcel of land numbering in at least the hundreds of acres would do nicely, and I would have all the splendor that came from residing in the middle of a transitional forest, surrounded by both deciduous trees and conifers alike.

Now the placement of the main house is vital. I mean you really got to nail it so that when you take pictures of it on Instagram it really makes everyone jealous.

So my grand estate should be close to some body of water. Preferably a small lake, a large pond, or a big bend in the river. Something where I’m still surrounded by trees but can easily see the water. I want the best of both worlds.

So there’s a placid body of water always has the picture-perfect glasslike surface perfectly reflecting its surrounding environs.

And now for the house itself.

Now for the outside, I want something grand.

Something awe-inspiring. Like a hidden castle in the woods by way of a wooden cabin. I want it equal parts Alone In The Woods and Winterfell. Something you could see Ned Stark in as his summer home.

Something like this.

But that’s the point. Practical is for boring people.And I’m going to need at least one tower. Something that when you’re inside you feel like you’re up in the trees.

And like I wouldn’t say no to a drawbridge.

And now the inside is where things get crazy.

When it comes to design I have a bit of split personality. I want equal parts modern and rustic mountain house.

In the living room, a grand open I want it to be a monument of wood. I want timber frames. Huge ones. I want it to look like Paul Bunyan’s den. I want you to just about feel the lumberjacks hauling the logs to their new home.

To cement the look, I will need a truly grand, one might say ostentatious, river stone hearth. A place to have the fire crackling while I sit in a leather EZ chair with a good book.

Also, I think a bearskin rug would be in order. I don’t hunt, so if I could find a bear that lived a long happy life and who died of natural causes and then turn him into a rug that would work.

Now the rest of the house would have to blend with my other tastes. As much as I want that country aesthetic I want to mix it with a hipstery, Bing With Babish Brooklyn apartment style.

You know, lots of rich wood, with metal accents. Live edge shelves but like held together with plumbing parts.

My dream home would have courtyard decked out like a New York rooftop bar. Like we’re in the woods, but we can still be classy.

And the main even of my house would be the library. I don’t mean how people typically mean home library where it’s just one room with some books. No, I want it so big it needs a front desk and the Dewey Decimal system.

With large beautiful tables, and comfortable reading chairs I want an open, multiple room palace for my books. And I need enough windows so that one can see the views.

Something like this.

Or this.

And oh help me if it’s raining. You will not get me out of there. Especially if the water is running down the glass like an Adele video.

And that essentially captures my dream home.

Gaudy? Yes.

Over the top? Probably.

Just a little extra? Definitely.

But that’s the point. Practical is for boring people.