Tactics For Stressful Conversations

Have you ever had to deal with a steamroller? I don’t mean a literal steamroller; I mean a figurative one. A person who steamrolls all in his or her path. A person who has strong opinions on things and believes their opinion is correct. Your opinion really does not matter and they believe it’s ‘my way or the highway.’

These steamrollers usually shout down others, or belittle those with a different opinion to them, no free thought allowed on issues that they have already made their minds up about.

I worked with such a person, and I figured out what radio station he listened to on his drive into work and I would listen to it too. I knew he would bring up current events in the office and that his opinion would basically be the opinion of the ‘shock jock’ he listened to on the way into the office. So his opinions were not actually his, but the opinions of the ‘shock jock’. He would adopt the same opinion and then defend it passionately in any discussion. Usually one that he would instigate to show everyone how clued up he was on current events.

There are various kinds of people and personalities and each of us brings with us our life experiences, which ultimately play a big role in shaping our attitudes towards various challenges that we face in life.

Some people are more prone to conflict and being direct, while others are more diplomatic. Some people battle to face high pressure or tense conversations and seem to crumble in the face of potential conflict.

So what can we do to relieve the tension and progress towards discussion when confronted with tension filled subjects?

First, we need to respect people, respect the person who has an opposite opinion to you so that the discussion can progress.

We also must be very sure of our facts when entering any such dialogue, have the facts at your fingertips, and understand your argument and the opposing views and statements that may arise in the discourse.

Work through and analyse any weaknesses in your argument, and have responses to those potential weaknesses.

Be patient and calm, always remain calm, no matter how much you disagree with what someone else is saying. If you remain calm and respectful, you have already won half the battle. Anyone present witnessing the discussion is more likely to side with you, even if they don’t agree with you. The way you treat others is more important than what you are actually saying.

The loud mouth bully does not garner much support amongst regular folk. But we still have to discuss the important issues and just before discussing them, an excellent tactic is to ask this question.

“Can we agree to respect each other and be reasonable, and allow each other to speak and not interrupt?”

Once you have that commitment, and it would be difficult for anyone to decline such an offer, because it immediately paints them as disrespectful, unreasonable, and rude. This is powerful in a public debate.

The next tactic is to find commonality with your adversary. There will be areas of agreement between both of you, so start there, and then get to the areas of difference and clearly state your reasons for your difference in opinion.

If facts back your reasons and it's not just a case of interpretation, you have a much stronger argument.

When you state a fact, it is an excellent tactic to ask your adversary whether they agree with that fact and if they don’t, what they base their thinking on.

This way you can go through all your facts and break down the argument, you may even find that your adversary has further agreement on certain parts of your argument, and if they don’t, at least you get a clearer understanding of their viewpoints, and why they hold their opinions.

Many times you will expose the fleshy underbelly of their arguments and you may even expose the lack of thought and reasoning that underpins their argument.

Going through the various aspects of the argument and fleshing out the areas of concern takes the emotion out of the interaction and focuses more on reason and facts. When we don’t use this tactic, we open ourselves up to generalizations and wild sweeping statements that may not be factual.

Interpretation is one aspect of any debate and that is where a lot of the contention will be. People can look at factual data and interpret that data to suit their particular view. In law, they spend years on interpretation because this is where the case succeeds or fails.

I believe the tactics above can assist in high pressure discussions. Here they are again.

Respect people as people, regardless of their stance on anything. Know your facts and your argument, be very sure of your facts and your interpretation of those facts.

Set the ground rules of engagement, reasonable, respectful, uninterrupted discussion. Understand where there are areas of agreement and use these areas of agreement to open up the conversation and progress towards the areas of disagreement.

Once you reach those areas, break them down and lay out your facts and reasoning and allow your adversary to do the same.

Resolutions may or may not come from using these tactics, but I think more robust and respectful discussion can occur.

Let me know what you think and thank you for reading.