Out with the Adult Coloring Book

“Try deep breathing. Or yoga. Or both!”

“Have you thought about just going outside? Or meditating?”

“Make sure to add your bubble bath or massage to your calendar, just like you would any other appointment!”

These were all suggestions that were on a Power Point I was forced to watch during a professional development course on self-care. According to the creator of this presentation, self-care is a prescription of sorts to help burned-out workers regain zeal for their careers (and increase their productivity, but that could be the cynical part of me speaking). I was relieved to see this paradigm shift of finally prioritizing a healthy work-life balance…but quickly got annoyed when I saw the exact same, hackneyed, rich-middle-age-white-lady-who-shops-at-Whole-Foods advice ad nauseum wherever I looked.

These suggestions are like the laminated signs we see for handwashing in bathrooms or at doctor’s offices: we’ve seen them so many times, and they contain such well-known advice, that we just ignore them. “Duh, dude, I know that healthy eating, getting enough sleep, and rubbing lavender essential oil on my wrist will help to cure my anxiety and existential crises,” I thought to myself when I sat through that Power Point . “But I probably won’t do any of that.”

(By the way, that lame mandatory presentation on self-care was AFTER work, an ironic point that many of us exhausted counselors joked about.)

As a counselor eager to help my clients (and myself), I have tried just about every self-care exercise under the sun. Don’t get me wrong: yoga is nice. And I love a good bubble bath. But it is my belief that in addition to giving your mind and body some rest, it’s wise to give certain behaviors a rest that will, in turn, help to ease some of the stress in your life.

Here are some tried and true pieces of advice I not only give to clients, but that I also follow myself. They have helped me more than any adult coloring book or mindfulness exercise has.

Tip #1: Give ISOLATION a rest.

“You are the sum total of the people you meet and interact with in the world. Whether it’s your family, peers, or co-workers, the opportunities you have and the things that you learn all come through doors that other people open for you.” ― Tanner Colby

In their October 2021 issue, Scientific American published an article in their psychology section about how social capital (the notion that “social ties often bring about desired outcomes that would never be achieved in isolation”) helped certain disadvantaged communities thrive. The article goes on to quote Alexis de Tocqueville, who, on an 1830 visit to the United States, witnessed citizens’ love of joining associations and the positive effects these memberships had: “Feelings and ideas are renewed, the heart enlarged, and the understanding developed only by the reciprocal action of men upon one another.” However, more recently researchers such as Robert D. Putnam of Harvard University have pointed out that participation in social clubs in the U.S. is declining, and that we have become so used to isolation that “we even bowl alone rather than in leagues.” He hypothesizes that factors such as increased television watching, generational shifts, and more emphasis on individualism contribute to the decrease in the number of social clubs and social club membership . His book "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community" was written in 2000, so the further isolating effects of social media and the coronavirus pandemic have not been accounted for in his research.

When was the last time you attended a club meeting, sports practice, or class as a participant, not as a parental observer or begrudged employee? While clubs, groups, or sports teams for adults are slightly more difficult to find than for kids, they are out there, and most of them are gems. Not only do these organizations or classes allow you to socialize and form friendships, but they can also help you to develop new skills, which increases your self-esteem.

Back in 2015, I had no idea that my city had a semi-professional women’s tackle football team . I just happened to hear about it at work one day and jumped on the opportunity to be involved in a competitive team sport as an adult. I have also found and attended adult acting classes, stand-up comedy classes, and art classes that helped me to meet new people and try out new hobbies in a safe environment. More and more groups are offering Zoom classes and meetings so that people from all regions of the country can interact and partake in activities taught by world-class instructors.

I firmly believe that one of the best decisions I’ve made as an adult is participating in these groups/clubs/leagues instead of spending every evening after work lounging at home and scrolling mindlessly on my phone or binging a TV show. Get out. Meet people. Help to build up your community. These are the engagements that I love putting on my calendar, not bubble baths and massages.

Tip #2: Give MONETIZING (or attempting to monetize) YOUR AVOCATIONS a rest.

“When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”— Jean Shinoda Bolen

On a recent vineyard tour in Napa Valley, one of my tour mates had her phone plastered to her face the entire time. Like many modern travelers, she was recording the experience and taking an absurd number of pictures. She forced the tour to stop many times while she girlishly shuffled to a “super cute” statue or “stunning” view, briefly relinquishing the phone to her obedient boyfriend to take pictures before swiping it right back to make sure she also looked “super cute”. It was, frankly, pretty annoying.

“I’m trying to be a travel influencer,” she admitted later when we were sitting down to sample wine (she diligently captured every glass set in front of her on her camera). “I love to travel!”

An avocation is a hobby that one does solely for pleasure, not to make an income. Unfortunately, in a world that is obsessed with squeezing every bit of efficiency and money out of people, along with the soaring costs of living, many are forced to get “side gigs” to supplement their income. Some, like the aspiring travel influencer in Napa Valley, decide to try their hand at making money through their hobbies or passions. While this works out for a miniscule number of people, most not only fail, but they have also transformed something they did purely for joy into a burdensome venture that they must depend on to live. The hobby that once gave them a reprieve from their stressful job is now stressful in itself.

With many of us working from home now, it is becoming increasingly important to establish the firm boundaries between work and home life. Keep your vocation (i.e. your job) separate from your avocations, and avoid the temptation to make every single action of your day profitable.

Tip #3: Give HIGH EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF a rest.

“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.”— Malcolm S. Forbes

When I tell people that I attend an adult gymnastics class on Thursday nights, I’m often met with looks of astonishment and questions about what sort of “tricks” I can do.

“Oh, no,” I correct them. “I’m terrible at gymnastics. I’m probably one of the worst gymnasts in the class. But it’s a BLAST!”

As an athlete , I constantly compare myself to and compete with others. Partaking in this gymnastics class with no expectation of myself other than to have fun has been a challenge for me. I feel pangs of jealousy when I see other participants in the class landing back handsprings and twists and all sorts of other feats that I don’t even know the names of. Sometimes I feel ridiculous and ashamed, because while I’m still working on the most basic of gymnastics skills like round-offs, the instructor is asking if these other students want to become instructors themselves. When I notice these feelings of jealousy, I remind myself, “I’m here to enjoy myself. Not to become an Olympian. Not to become a gymnastics teacher. I’m here because it’s fun.” I leave nearly every class feeling much happier than when I came in.

A woman and her daughter recently attended the gymnastics class for the first time and like me they were inexperienced gymnasts. However, the mother forced her daughter to record her, the mother, every time she attempted to do a skill and would tell her daughter to either delete or save the recording for later when she could upload it to social media. It was distracting for everyone around and wasted the time of both mother and daughter, while also putting emphasis not on getting better at gymnastics but on having cool footage to post on social media later. I eventually suggested to both of them to put the phone down and just focus on having fun without the pressure of trying to look cool; after the class the mother thanked me for the advice .

The older we get, the less room we’re given to have fun and make mistakes. We’re conditioned to take everything seriously, that every minute of our day should be optimized towards efficiency and/or accomplishing something. We can’t show our social media feed a video of us FAILING at a task, even if we’re enjoying it. Find something in your life that you do just for the fun of it, where you can be ridiculous and mistake-laden and still feel your heart fill with joy. Give those high expectations of yourself to be perfect all the time a rest and find a safe place to fail over and over again with a genuine smile on your face.

Rest is more than taking a nap, journaling, or binging Netflix. Sometimes it’s better to take a rest from behaviors that induce stress. Following the three tips I described here will help to ease that stress and make you feel happier and more fulfilled. How’s that for self-care?