How to Win Every Argument

This year I took a course called Understanding Arguments. This was one of the best decision that I ever made. While I was taking this course, I realized that there are a lot of common sense things that people still do not know.

For one…

If your goal is to win an argument then you have already lost.

How so?

An argument is not a battle. The two are not synonymous. An argument is simply two people expression their opposing views in hopes of UNDERSTATEMENT from each other before the conversation is over.

So your goal is understandment. I can help you get to a point to where you never even end up in an argument again. That’s how you win. Having the other person understand your point two minutes into the conversation? That’s how you win. So how do you do that? How do you make everyone that you come across be willing to understand each point that you try to prove?

Through understanding, you don’t just “win” arguments but you actually avoid them. The difference between an argument and a conversation is how the two people choose to communicate. it has nothing to do with what is actually said.

It’s Easy.

You make it ten times harder to get your point across when you raise your voice. Remain calm at all times. Remember that it is okay for someone to have an opinion that is opposed to your own. Remember that you yelling will not change their opinion. Remember that the purpose of an argument is not to change someone’s opinion but to help them understand yours.

Don’t Repeat your point 10,000 times. This is not preparation for a History Exam. Your opposer doesn’t need to memorize your point, they need to understand it. Give yourself a limit on how many times you choose to repeat yourself. This number should be consistent in all of your conversations. By doing this, you will look like you are confident in what you’re saying.

You do not have to speak first. You just need to be heard. Whenever you choose to speak, make sure that you won’t be limited to getting your entire point out, clearly. This doesn’t mean you need ten minutes to give an A-Z explanation on how you feel but you need to make a clear statement that won't require an A-Z explanation behind it for understanding. If your opposer is jittery and unwilling to wait their turn to speak, let them go first and do not interrupt them at all. Don’t say one word until they have finished talking. You will know they are done when there’s a pause. At that moment, you can either ask to speak (which may make you look like a smart ass but hey, depending on situation, you might be a smartass) or you can just start speaking.

When speaking in what you believe in, try not to turn an argument into the blame game. If someone is at fault, you don’t have to constantly tell them that to get your point across. Understandment comes from being able to see why something makes someone feel the way that they feel. Tell them that. Tell them why you feel the way that you feel.

Here’s an example… Let’s say your boyfriend didn’t talk to you all day yesterday. You guys talk everyday. Randomly he just doesn’t talk to you but then you wake up this morning with a good morning text from him. What are you going to say? Now I’ve heard a lot of women say that what they want is an argument after something like this happens but that's just stupid and if that’s how you feel then you’re toxic and shouldn’t be messing with anyone. Communication is vital to make any relationship work and if that communication is not healthy then it should not be had.

So what are you going to reply to him? To be honest, the next response does not matter much BUT you have two choices. You can ask questions before saying how you feel or you can just explain how you feel and why. Then wait for the response.

“Where have you been?”

“I was with my dad and my phone had dad.” Now you can let it go after this. But this simple conversation ending in that way could just be the reason that an argument happens later on in the day. Even if he is telling the truth, how did you feel when he didn’t talk to you for that whole day? Regardless of the reasoning, that was still something that you had to go through and you really don’t know if he’s telling the truth or not. So more than likely it will be on your mind. If it’s no longer on your mind after his initial response, then let it go BUT if you have any doubts, continue further.

Tell him how you felt when he didn’t talk to you and that you would just rather him warn you in advance if he knows his phone is going to die or something. Tell him your truth of how you feel. This communication is important. If he doesn’t care about what you’re saying or becomes agitated then something is either up and he is lying or he does not care about you. That’s another story and lesson for another article though.

If he becomes aggravated, encourage that he let you know how he feels too. Let him know that you’re open to conversation. Not mad, just confused and worried. You’re getting over it and would just like to avoid this in the future.

This was just a petty example.

Keep a good sense of humor at all times if you can. The truth of the matter is that once something has been done or has happened, we can no go back and change it. We can talk about it, do better and move on; but we cannot change it. Getting upset over things that you do not have 100% control over such as somebody else’s actions are useless. So why get into an argument with anyone over anything? A lot of people agree to this and then go on with saying that they will not argue or talk to anyone period but communication is too important. We have to talk. We have to express ourselves in a healthy way when the opportunity presents ourselves. If we don’t that's how we end up in altercations.

Let’s say you ask to go to the bathroom but your teacher says no. Regardless of how the conversation goes, you’re going to go to the bathroom because you can’t hold it.

This is what not to do.

“Can I go to the bathroom?”

“Wait until the end of class.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m sorry but you're going to have to”

And then you get up and leave. Yes, you just avoided an argument but you’re going to ge into one the second that you come back from the bathroom. You don’t care at that point because you went to the bathroom already but you should care. This is what you could do, instead of saying “I can’t”

“I understand that you people are constantly asking to go to the bathroom and you’re teaching an important lesson but if I don’t go to the bathroom now, it’s going to be bad. I’m sorry but I have to go.” And then at that point you may leave. Rather you get into trouble or not, you explained why you did what you had to do. A lot of people take the teacher not letting their students go to the bathroom personally but in reality, these teachers are just doing their jobs. Most of the time the only reason that the teachers limit how many students can go to the room is because students will ask to go to the bathroom and then skip class.

So state your point clearly by answering the 5 w’s in your statement so that you don’t need a long explanation behind it to follow up.

Another way to avoid arguments and/or “win” them as some of you would say is to take the personal out of the situation. I someone cheats on you, that’d be wrong no matter who they cheated on. If someone bumps you in the hall, that’d interrupt the person no matter whose shoulder it was that they ran into it. If my brother used my toothbrush to clean the toilet, then I’m sure that anyone in my position would be pissed. OR… If we’re playing uno and you put down a draw 4 on top of a draw 2 and I disagree, what will I do next? The smart thing to do would just be to look up the rules. Why? Because if games had no rules, then the substance of the game would be gone and the fun would diminish. I wouldn’t want to just argue about what I think should be done because then we’re just going back and forth both making up our own rules. OR let’s say we’re watching a movie and we disagree on something that happens in the movie. I think its her fault that she got divorced by my boyfriend disagrees. I have to remember that this movie has nothing to do with us. Why the hell would I let this movie create an argument between us? Thats step number one. Then after that I remember that, I can let him know why I think what I think about the movie and after he states his point, I can just nod.

Opinions cannot be wrong and Opinions are not personal. People literally feel or think what they feel or think and we can not change that. We can disagree but we can not change that. And then someone can disagree with us but we can not change that.

If I’m on the subway with a friend and tell her that I don’t date fat people. This is how I feel. Now that doesn’t mean that I have an issue with fat people or don’t want to be around them. This just means that I probably am not attracted to them. However, let's say the person on side of my friend is fat. They become offended. What should they say next? “Excuse me?”

You’re excused. Here’s the thing, Since everyone is entitled to their opinion, technically I don’t have to censor what I say around anyone. I wasn’t speaking about anyone specific just in general that I don’t like fat people romantically. Does this make me right? No. Does this make me wrong? No. Do you have a right to be offended? No. Do you have a right to feel the way that you feel? Yes. What you can say next is that you’d ether prefer that I censor what I say or that my opinion is lacks substance. You could say that I’m superficial. That’s your opinion, which will also lack substance considering that it weighs in on ONE thing that you ever heard me say.

See how crazy you feel when you realize what you say in situations vs what you you could say? I know that I can’t be the only one who will find myself in an argument or altercation and then ask myself like, “how the hell did I get here?” That’s the moment when I realize the seconds where I raised my voice and/or said something that made an impersonal conversation, an attack. That’s what arguments are really… Two people attacking each other. Arguments are pointless and get you nowhere. Even if you win an argument in your eyes, the conversation will leave behind a toxic trail that will only lead to another argument. This is why healthy communication is needed.