How to Say, No

In fact, sometimes it seems so difficult, that in the end you give up and just say yes to what they ask or suggest.

And this is either because you feel guilty and think that you will be the bad guy if you do not accept, or because you have let others manipulate you and seduce you with their arguments. So, it seems to you that the only logical answer is to accept.

But when you constantly say yes to others, you start saying no to yourself.

You set aside your schedule, put your goals second and begin to feel out of control of your life.

This makes you believe that you are helpless and creates the feeling that all you can do is respond and react to others and events as a beacon of fortune.

The feeling that you are in control, as a point, is a crucial element of a complete and happy life. And the way to get that feeling is to reverse this situation.

That is, instead of being the one who constantly reacts, to become what we call proactive. That is, to take the initiative, to prevent situations, to pursue and achieve the goals you have set.

And to do that, you have to learn to set boundaries and say no to anything that gets in your way.

Say no, because your time is precious.

Say no, because you want to spend what you need where you want.

Say no, because more jobs and more responsibilities cost you stress and mental health.

But if you feel guilty and can’t deal with the manipulation and the arguments, how are you going to do that?

As we said, saying no often is not easy. Inside us, all want to be polite, get along well with others, and be team players.

So here are some strategies to help you set boundaries so that you can say no more easily and gain more control over your life.

Make a clear plan and set specific goals and objectives

The vaguer your schedule, what you want to do and what your goals and desires are, the easier it will be to put them aside for the sake of others. That is, if you know that at 18:00 you have planned to read for your master’s degree, then it is easier to resist the request of a friend for coffee or a colleague who asks you to sit a little longer to help him.

Often, the demands of others are like small investments of time. However, the total time you may need to spend is many times longer than you imagine and so your schedule goes back.

But when you know exactly what you want to do, how, and when, it is easier to draw a line, to refuse, and to prioritize yourself without feeling guilty.

Do not take responsibility for the feelings of others

Many times when you say no, the other person may get angry, upset, or frustrated with you. And just because you start to feel bad and you want to be the good kid, you change your initial statement a bit, you mitigate it and in the end, you end up saying yes. But here you are making a very important mistake.

You take responsibility for how the other person feels. You feel like you are the cause of anger, sadness, or frustration. But this is not true.

In fact, we can not control the emotions of others. Instead, they are directly dependent on how they interpret the facts and what you tell them, and in essence, the only person who has control over their emotions is themselves.

So stay polite and civilized in your initial position and initial boundaries and do not stress, do not grieve and most importantly, do not take responsibility for their outburst.

Do not make excuses and give details only when needed

It is very possible to say no and immediately feel the need to justify yourself to the other and sometimes you may even tell a little lie. There is no reason. All of this reinforces the feeling that you are the bad guy when you refuse an invitation or a plea for help.

Just say no, without elaborating, and without any excuses. You just can’t end it. After all, without a lot of information, it is difficult for the other side to find a way to convince you.

Of course, not all cases are the same. There are times when you need to give details in order to be clear, to help the other person to understand you, and to find a middle ground together. But these are cases that involve close personal relationships, important issues, and cases where you want the other side to understand your own feelings and your own experience.

Resist manipulation

Some people do not like to be told no. They get angry, irritated and try to find a way to persuade you and push your limits.

If this is a proposal that satisfies both, then it is a negotiation and everything is fine. But many times, they just try to manipulate you and make you accept what you want to avoid and do what they want.

One of the best defenses in these cases is the glued needle technique. It takes its name from the stuck needle of a pickup that constantly repeats the same verse of a song.

Like the pickup, once it has become clear from each side what it wants and why and you have clearly stated what your position is, just repeat it in each attempt for manipulation without giving further details.

Saying nowhere is needed and being effectively assertive is not as easy as it sounds and of course, it takes time and practice.

But to draw a line and not let others trample on it, is necessary if we want satisfaction from our lives but also to achieve our goals.

So say yes, if you really want to, and don’t be afraid to say no when is needed. Set your limits!