Work Flow

Everyday I get up at the same time. I drink the same sort of coffee. I get in the same car. And I drive the same route. It all leads up to the same place I work. Don't get me wrong. I love the people I work with. Well, most of the people. I try and make everyday seem better then the last. It's never enough. I find myself day dreaming of a time where I was contributing something more to society. A time where I woke up extra early, and skipped breakfast just so I could get to work and create something new to teach. Oh yeah I'm a teacher by the way. Well teacher adjacent. I sound like I'm bitching. And maybe that's exactly what I'm doing. But so what?! Who doesn't bitch? Out of the billions of people in this world, black, white, American, European, we all bitch about our jobs. Even if we love the job.

I love my job. I don't love the politics that come with it. I try and try to make a masterpiece out of a bag of dog shit but it's just not possible. We live in a society that tells us that we are supposed to wake up with a smile on our faces. Be productive at work with a smile on our face. Go home, fuck our wives, husbands with a smile on our face. Not happy? Try this numbing induced pill that could cause you nausea, loss of appetite, diarrhea, etc. But you'll feel better. I know what you're thinking? Get a new job? Does it really change things? Does it really make you feel like you're contributing anything more to society? Same shit, different group of assholes. There is a positive.

In those very small, quaint moments that someone comes up to me and says how I have helped them or they look at me as a guide... those are the moments to get my unhealthy, bitter and angry ass up and come to work. I'm simply venting here I guess. This job is great. It allows me to teach what I love to do. Write. There's no other job out there you can do what I do without some sort of fancy degree. Still I just wish there wasn't so many double standards here. You do what they ask but then they tell you you're not doing this the right way. So then you change it up and still they tell you you're not doing this right. So which is the fuck backwards? ...they don't even know. Sometimes I fantasize to a time in my life that I was more miserable. There wasn't a time. That I can think of anyways.

I've had a bunch of jobs in my life. One things still remains consistent. I've fucked at least one co-worker. I'm not by any means a studly guy. I'm over weight, sarcastic, and overall just a goofy weirdo. But still somehow women clearly out of my league find me attractive. They find themselves wanting to cheat on their boyfriends/husbands. Never gotten caught. Bosses knew about it. But never gotten caught during. I guess I'm not a great person. I tend to fake a personality that I'm clearly not. I like to make others happy and laugh so that I can find the very fact of how miserable I am inside. I've often thought maybe I was a psychopath. I've spent more then I care to admit hours contemplating murdering someone who did me wrong. Why? 'Cause I don't like to be bested. I hate knowing someone got the best of me... ultimately I'm the best I will ever be. Shouldn't that be enough?