Why It's Never Too Late to Start Again

Life is full of ups and downs for each and every one of us. There's no escaping it. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone whose life has gone exactly the way they planned. We can all dream about the way we want things to pan out, but in reality, more often than not, we find ourselves resorting to plan B or C or D when it all hits the fan. That's life, isn't it?

And it's scary. We are creatures of habit after all. Most of us like to be in control and when we find that our lives are heading in a very different direction to that which we planned, it can be very unsettling.

This is where I am currently at in my life. And to say it's terrifying is an understatement.

I'd been with the same man for almost 20 years. Made my life with him. Had children with him. I had a vision of growing old with him. My husband. My best friend. But after a startling realisation that nothing I would ever say or do would be able to fix the problems between us — our marriage came to an abrupt end leaving me completely bereft.

I was lost.

Who am I kidding? I am still lost. But with the support of close friends and family, I've come to realise that life does go on. As awful as it's all been — no one died. Well not yet, anyway.

I still have, hopefully, a long life ahead of me and I can do whatever I want if I put my mind to it.

When we split up, my whole world came crashing down. With my job as a primary school teacher and my own two children to worry about, something had to give. My priority was protecting my children from all of the bad stuff and getting us all through a very traumatic time.

I simply couldn't carry on with work and I ended up resigning. It wasn't what I wanted; my hand was forced by my employer and I was simply not strong enough to stand up for myself. And so I left. At this point, life could not have been any more unstable. No husband, no job, no security. And I was shit-scared.

But, after a couple of months, I was lucky enough to find a new job. It wasn't in teaching - it was in a cafe. I needed something that would be relatively stress-free. And this job saved me in a way. It came at a time that I needed it the most. It breathed me back to life. It got me off of the sofa, and forced me to talk to people, which was harder than I thought it would be. But, I did it and it helped me get through a really difficult time. And it was all good for a few months.

But after a really tumultuous time again with my ex, stress and anxiety reared their ugly heads once more, and I simply could not cope. I ended up walking out of my job and completely succumbing to depression and anxiety.

But somewhere in the midst of all the madness that has surrounded me over the last year, I somehow made a decision about where I want to go in life — what I want to be.

Sometimes, it's through struggle that we see ourselves most clearly. I've never really known where I fit in the world. Though I've always believed I have a purpose, I've tried so hard over the years to figure it out without much success. I didn't grow up knowing that I wanted to be a teacher. I fell into it, partly because I didn't know what else to do and because it seemed like a good idea at the time. But it wasn't me. And I've spent a long time trying to find out what is.

I think I'm the closest I've ever been to working it out. So, tomorrow I'm enrolling back at college, where I shall be starting a four-year course re-training as a counsellor.

I've thought about it over the years, but for whatever reason, I didn't feel strongly enough about it to do it earlier. But at this point, it feels right. I had some counselling to help me deal with my issues and it made me realise that I have a lot to offer when it comes to helping someone else with their struggles. I've always been blessed with bags of empathy and compassion and it's about time I used them for good.

Sure, I'm nervous. Am I doing the right thing? Is it going to work out? Am I going to stick with it? Honestly, who knows. I hope so, I really do. But the last year or so has taught me that you can plan all you like, but sometimes things happen that are out of your control so the best thing to do is to just go with it. It will either work out or it won't. People always say it's better to regret the things you've done than the things you didn't do.

So I'm going for it. I'm gagging the voice in my head that's telling me this could all be a huge mistake. That's just fear talking. And I'm sick of being afraid. We have the power to choose which voice we listen to. And so from this point on I'm choosing hope.

Maybe it's the romantic in me, but that's the one thing I won't ever lose.

Hope.

It's my new favourite four-lettered word.

Thanks for reading.