Why is that I am surviving, not living?

The day Earth welcomed me

It destined me to live so vibrantly

Only it was a lie......

Oh, why you so serene?

For it to only end up riled

From still water to ripples

Oh for a tiny gasp,

Air that I long oh so bad

Only to be suffocated back

Fire burning Phoneix to ashes

All I feel is the same burning

To be born back alive

I planned to submit the poem in a Haiku challenge here in Vocal. But for some reason, I didn't do it. It must have been that I doubted that it sounded nonsensical. I do that a lot- question myself to my bone.

The poem was in the draft for months. It may not be astronomically phenomenal or heavenly, but at the end of the day, it must have meant something to me. I must have been feeling certain emotions for me to write these words. But at the end of the day, I must have felt it was not worth submitting.

While I reread this poem, I remembered the vivid emotions I was going through. I felt suffocated, anxious, hopeless and helpless with my life. I was tired of how things were going on in my life. It was getting difficult every second to stay alert and focused.

The world was getting too much to handle. Human interaction was the trigger for negative emotions. Small things were no longer small. Overthinking became second nature. I needed to escape from reality, from the world and the people.

I wanted so badly to be able to enjoy things in life. Things or places my friends were raving about didn't excite me. Socializing took a year off my life. Anxiety made me live within the four corners of my room. And those corners became my comfort zone. I didn't want to leave this comfort zone that I had built.

Now time is passing by and my time spent in these four corners is starting to feel desolating. I am more isolated than ever. I am scared to have someone disrupt the peace I have maintained for so long.

I used to feel safe within these four corners. Now I feel suffocated. I built my prison with my own hands and heart. I am isolating myself even without realising it. Now that I am so used to this silence, I don't know how to welcome anyone in my life anymore.

The lacklustre day, going mute for the whole day, eating scraps here and there to fill my stomach, and rotting in bed have become my life. It sounds horrible and is horrible. I am self-aware of my state. But it's like I am brain dead, breathing but no interaction within my system. My mind and body don't want to cooperate to attain the basic instructions for functioning.

I so badly want life changes. At the same time, I am scared of the changes. It is like wanting help but loathing it at the same time. The contradiction that my life choices and my awareness are creating is baffling.

No matter how hard life hits at me, I can't always let it set me back, right?

It might get challenging, and difficult and might make me cry but it is all for the better. I have to learn at some point that it is me who is setting myself back if I give up without even trying.

Now that I have the urge to get out there and challenge myself and get out of my comfort zone, I wish things to get better and maintain a hope that someday, I will finally be able to enjoy life so as to live it and not just survive every day.