When I was young, Until I am old

I've been on this earth for 32 years now. Looking back at the road I have walked I think to myself "man it feels more like 64" mostly because of the events or choices I have made over these past 3 decades. Lets be real its more like 27 conscience years and with that I must say the reality of poverty, stress, anxiety, and fear of losing it all over that period of time is nothing compared to the possible future that lies ahead. I think fear of the past/future is a common state of mind and many people are plagued by it. I think that's where the root of my anxiety stems from.

Growing up there was this underline understanding that fear drives success. That fear is the only normal thing; that crazy people and anxiety attacks are how you know you're making it in the world and the sad truth is I fully believed it. I fell for the illusion of comfortability and conformity and I got lost in the idea of Hell and the road that leads to it being paved in good intentions which none of it is real. People can change, life can be brighter, life can be peaceful however I am still searching for that peace.

In all of this darkness there was only one real thing that led me back to a mental center and that one thing is writing. I feel everyone on this site or any other blog can relate to that notion. The idea that writing your life away can bring you back to a normal place of focus and creativity. The interesting thing is how those feelings can sometimes develop something beautiful and real. To attach raw emotion onto a piece of paper to create art. Simple words on paper to build a story of ones life is just about the most descriptive way of being honest, even if you hide away in reality.

My first instance of writing anything was in middle school. I had an english teacher in 8th grade (Ms. Collela I'll never forget) who was one of the first teachers to motivate me to put your heart into your work. She motivated me to create my first work of horror. The assignment was to create a story based off of a picture of a random ominous portrait. We only needed to write a page and I handed in 7. Full of character details and backstories. I remember her mentioning that it was uneccessary with a playful laugh, I responded by saying she inspired me to do more.

That was the first time I felt a strong mutual respect with a teacher. Needless to say I aced that course. The following years through highschool I never found that sense of inspiration yet I still tried to write from time to time. Poems, mostly, even though they might not of been any good I still wrote. Those middle and highschool years were rough and full of bad mistakes. Lots and lots of lessons learned but my writing is what carried me through those times.

It wouldnt be until I got into college that I met a teacher that changed my life creatively. She was stern and passionate, always driving focus and respect to the craft. Appreciating everyones work while giving constructive criticism with the pitfalls. She opened my eyes to how awesome creativity could be. The lessons she taught me I will never forget and yet I cannot remember her name. I will say this was another first for me, she had shown me how to be vulnerable in writing, to show love in my writing. I was 21 and thinking this was life changing.

The only thing I had left to learn was courage. This leads me to current day. Recently an old friend/love interest had found their way back into my life. When we had met we never gave each other the chance to really get to know each other which ultimately led to the end of our relationship. It took 12 years to get back in touch and I'm glad she is back in some capacity. Recently she has helped me open my eyes to the possibility of being true to myself. Only one other person has truly done that for me and sadly they are no longer with us.

The old friend and I have been able to truly reconnect and I plan on showing her alot of my writing. To express the emotion and have a trusted outsider involved feels like a great step for me. The challenge is to get my work out there in the world. I've tried with Vocal and I will keep trying. Fear is what has kept me held down for so long and I am glad to make moves to get back to my creative mental center.

The support system I have, the ideas I come up with and the truth I will speak through my writing all stems from the relization of how I need to be brave, passionate, and motivated to pursue this dream. Even if I go no where I will still try my best to write. My past does not define me, my present is what will change me, and my future has yet to be written. I hope whoever reads this takes something away from my journey into what/who introduced me to this amazing hobby. I hope their struggles ease and they find their way foward.

Everyone deserves happiness, never let anything hold you back from what makes you you.