What happened when I wanted to write a book

I've always been a storyteller in any shape and form. From making up stories that happened at school to tell my grandmother. To my fanfiction days in my teenage years. I knew I had a purpose on this funny green rock we call Earth. My wondering mind was creating new characters, expanding on others, and exploring new ideas in any setting. Of all the characters I've created, ideas to expand on. I never thought that my first book would be about tattoo artists that maintain a side job pertaining to organized crime.

Never thought that would be the idea, and I never thought it would be published.

I never thought how it would change my lifestyle and outlook.

I never thought it would become a part of my life that helped me in my bleakest moments.

I never thought that I would make a book called Inglorious Ink and now it's become a part of me that I'm proud of.

But before I became the woman that was proud of herself for her accomplishments.

Around the time that this story process was beginning, I had my own story of conflicts starting.

It was a rough journey in the two year period it took to create this book, between my own problems, what I had to expect, what I had to learn in becoming an author, who would have a thing or two to say in critiquing, and knowing that I had no idea what would happen in this process.

In my time to complete my story, I had to see how my own would unfold.

I present to you, the factors I faced in my creation of my first book, Inglorious Ink.

Peers that sneer

It makes sense to share with certain friends or acquaintances to get a neutral review to have some feedback to keep up with the direction or make a re-route. There has been people in my circle that I am grateful for their positive reviews and creative critiques to help me continue with my first book. Then there are those that will have a certain critique that doesn't help. When I have explained exactly what my book Inglorious Ink, is about. One sentence that still resonates to me is ,"You can't relate because you don't have any tattoos." What does that have to do anything? Yes, I understand that because of my lack of tattoos I wouldn't know the experience of a consultation or the actual application. However, my story is focused on the characters and their problems, and the tattoo artistry is a second factor. I don't like people that will say these kinds of critique, in an undermining way. Making it sound like I don't know what I'm doing. Some people will have a faith in knowing that a creator will do their homework and some just like to point out problems that aren't a big deal. Nitpickers, they are bound to happen, I accept it, just don't abide by it.

Overtime, people that became interested, inserted their ideas, and shut down my own before I even finished explaining it. I have to remind myself, it's not their story, it's mine.

I've had some individuals that don't take my writing ethic seriously with my goals as a writer. Some people would come up to me in a coffee shop in the middle of my writing work and ask me what it's about. Inglorious Ink is a hard book to try and explain vaguely, I usually just say, "It's about tattoo artists that run a underground and illegal business." or , "misfits that run a tattoo parlor and a illegal business to help people where the law can't". Naturally that is a bizarre plot explanation, I get that, but some of these people that become curious then become a bit alarmed or weirded out that I would make something of this variety. It's rare that I'm taken seriously in any aspect. Having this book completed, it's given me a sense of accomplishment and confidence when I'm asked about my books, I have one under by belt and there's evidence to prove it. It also shows that I chose my way, not their way from their "advice".

Change of Course

At first there was a steady motion, I was getting a rise in the number of chapters I was writing. Then I had these weird fears about the idea that my story wouldn't go anywhere to recognition and that I was running out of time. I had to stop thinking of how successful I wanted it to be, I craved the recognition. I would sob hysterically (like bad, soap opera dramatics bad) about how I was scared it wouldn't be successful. I was also in the midst of a bad depression in 2017, so having my ambitions shrouded in my mental health decline made my dream seem distant and unattainable. I couldn't even work on my book no matter how much I wanted to. I tried to keep my depression and anxiety away. I had to take a step back and accept I needed help in therapy to change my outlook on life.

In the next course of my life, I had to make some changes to myself. I used to feel exasperated from trying to make the book work. Then I made some healthier routines in atmosphere as well as self-image. In turn, the book had a new path with my restored mental health, using my pain and problems to be used in the dialogue and narration scattered in the story for personal commentary to share. I had thought about what I endured that broke me down and shattered my soul. I knew other souls were going through rougher patches then me. I had found ways to describe depression and inserted my definitions and explanations in some of my characters. When someone reads this and learns about these characters, I want someone to read that and go, "that's exactly how I feel". Instead of having the mindset of setting my standards for instant success, I had made my goals to be, I want someone to have peace of mind but also entertained in a fictional escape.

Find The Tribe

Remember The Breakfast Club? I know it's weird to use a John Hughes movie to start for the comparison but I'll elaborate and it'll make sense. Remember how all the characters had their own groupings to their role they have in school? That's just like with creators. Some are like Claire, thinking of popularity. Some are like Andy, just wanting to be the life of the party. Some are like Brian and just think strategically. Some are like Bender and want to say their piece albeit in a crass way (sometimes insulting). And then there's Alison, quiet, judged too quick, weird, and misunderstood.There is an excitement in seeing other writers and talking about the passions, even it is different criteria of writing. Seeing the groups of different storytellers, some were just not my crowd. I didn't like how some that I encountered were very harsh to insert their own ideas despite the fact this was not their book. I didn't like how some were dismissive and judgemental to the concept I had for the plot of my book. I didn't like these crowds, I had to find my other Alisons. It took a while, but I did. I found my tribe. I found the people that gave me positive vibes, helped me with the process of publishing, boosted my confidence to have pride in my work.

The Reveal

As soon as I was halfway through writing Inglorious Ink, it became a realization to me that not only will this book be released for everyone to see it. I then realized that everyone meant, my family and the people from my grandfather's church would know. I was immediately terrified knowing people were about to know the other side of me. People in my area know me as the woman that goes to church with her grandfather. So it's assumed that I'm not vulgar, I'm not one to cuss up a storm, and I am just like every other normal church girl. However, I've never considered myself to have that title. I've always had a crass side to myself, it's just hidden extremely well or only shown to those that knew me well. The narration and dialogue throughout my book is a reflection on the conversations you'd hear in a tattoo shop. A majority of it is my own personal dialogue as well, which is what made me comfortable for having to use bad language. People that were going to see that side and I had to prepare for that.

I told my grandfather about that worry considering he's a conservative, religious man. He's expressed interest and anticipation in reading it and I had to warn him about it. The way went around that explanation through a question, we had gotten home from seeing, Once Upon a Time In Hollywood. I asked him how he felt if I created characters that were that vulgar. He shrugged and said, "Well, they're characters, I know you don't talk that way so I'm not worried." and I thought in my mind right then, F**k, well your half right. I did feel a bit better knowing he would be ok with the material he's not used to, but he would read it because it's something I made.

His friends all wanted a copy of my book when they arrived in the mail. I warned everyone of his friends that there are gay characters, vulgar language, and some uncomfortable moments. I knew it had to be fair to explain exactly what was going on in the book. They were prepared for it.

The weight did eventually lift about the fear of what people would think of me to see this side of me. But I couldn't let it be 'a side' to me anymore. People are who they are, bad language and different perspectives didn't make me a bad person. If anything, it got that hard part out of the way on my stances being out there.

I have my exact voice just didn't have enough volume yet, this book helped me gain that volume to express myself, show who I am, what I love, what inspired me, what I idolize. To think it was all thanks to the idea that came up about possibly doing a story about tattoo artists.