Vacillating No More… Or Will I?

Dear Brain (or whatever may be in my head),

We both know what this is about. Ever since I was an ugly little thing which passed off as a human child or possibly Cthulhu’s long-lost cousin, I've always had difficulty in making choices. I can't make the quick decisions like everyone else; you know, like normal people can. It’s a battle to decide on one thing or the other, be it something inconsequential or something serious with disastrous outcomes.

So, here it is. My time to say "No more" to the nonsense which keeps obstructing simple life. No more to the ridiculous and annoying part of me. Imagine the level of annoyance a T. rex must feel when it tries to pick up a glass of water and drink it using its tiny arms (or when they tried to… I don’t remember seeing any T. rexes around lately). That’s the level annoyance I get every time I’m put in a situation where I have to make a choice.

I know what the biggest cause is: it comes from avoiding regret. At least, that’s one of the major factors. You really can’t handle regrets, can you, Brain? The few times where I have made a quick decision, I’ve regretted it. Every time. Regrets are lot like a fire in the mind: they just keep burning and burning. It’s a shame even minor things can add to the conflagration. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to try and stem the number of regrets, but I also don’t think it’s great to dawdle in fear of making them. And so comes the question: is it better to be a creature of fear, or a creature of regret? Another choice; another struggle. This is just one of the things I need to consider upon my resignation.

Thankfully, I'm just a puny little mortal (for now), so if this resignation fails to stick, I'll at least have some form of renunciation at the end. Unless upon my demise – as gruesome and as painful as I predict it will be atop that sacrificial alter – I am given a choice: turn into a ghost or become a zombie... What would I do then? How is my chicken nugget of a brain (sorry Brain) supposed to choose when the choice will be eternal?! As a ghost, I'd have freedom to roam. No more wall-trouble for me and my floaty form ("ooOOOooo" goes the Euan ghost). And I'd haunt people... just for a bit for fun.

But as a zombie, I could start an apocalypse by biting people, which sounds too cool to pass up. I could also have an easy diet of brains without anyone thinking I'm weird. I know I am weird, which is why it’s so hard to decide! Gah, why is it so hard? By the time I made my choice, the Earth would have ended. And what if there's a third option. A vampire? Being a bat and saying "bleh bleh-bleh" sounds like a great night out.

Herein lies the second cause of my vacillation: overthinking. I think about everything before choosing – what about this? What about that? Would this dialogue be good? What would happen if I did this? – and that's why I struggle so much. Some people who know of my peculiar bipedal existence have dubbed me "Captain Indecisive" on several occasions. My family know full well not to give me a choice, but my brothers do it anyway (I guess for the hilarity of watching their poor, younger, favourite sibling struggle… yeah, very funny, dickbags).

Now, here's another philosophical question to go with the third and final conundrum of this resignation: should I really resign from a part of me that has lasted my whole life, probably the biggest part of what makes up my character? Or leave it and keep being me? Decisions, decisions, decisions. I don’t really have any other defining features, at least none I can pick off a shelf and say “Hey, this is me!” Removing my indecisiveness would certainly leave a huge space… What the heck would I fill it with?

The joy of choice once again. Mm-hm. No sarcasm here. Definitely. If only I could be more flippant on the often-frivolous ramifications from my own actions. I detest myself sometimes, particularly you, Brain (and partly my Lovecraftian looks). I would have to hope that ditching this large part of my personality will make way for something different, something new, something better. Perhaps the trait of ‘competence’ will fill the void. Oh, what joy that would be!

So, here I am. Back to the start of my resignation, scared of what will happen… But it will be okay. I have, of course, chosen to go ahead with it because the burden is too cumbersome for me to hold up with my non-existent and stereotypically nerd-like muscles. I resign from my constant vacillating. I resign from the nonsense. I resign from the part of me that has always been a huge problem. This is something I must do to improve myself. If I hesitate upon a choice from here on, I'll pick option ‘B’ and let the future roll forth with whatever tortuous plans it has for me. If one option puts me in a frying pan, the other one may well have put me in a blender. And I don’t want to be smooshed into a blender.

Anyway, Brain, I hope I can have faith in you to stick with this choice.

With decisive regards

Euan (formerly “Captain Indecisive”)