Try Try Try

I love to write. I have always loved to write, as long as I could remember. It is a big part of myself. Ever since I could start to read I wanted to be an author. But along the years I started to lose myself. I tried different places to write and publish work and nothing gets read more. Though It may have been FanFiction and I was only a tween, I started to lose faith. Then a few partners of mine took writing away from me to a point I just didn't want to anymore.

It was exhausting, trying to keep up my motivation, to write down any little though I had. My view on importance changed and I lost myself and my love for writing.

During high school, teachers always loved my papers and short stories. I would get A's in all my English classes. Then when I got to college my first professor that I had, for 3 courses, loved my work as well. Then when it came to my second teacher for my 4th class, he didn't like my work and never had anything nice to say at all. My confidence went down drastically.

Relationships haven’t been too kind to me either. The first relationship that I noticed changing me was with someone I thought I knew very well. Turns out I didn’t. Later on when we got together Just to catch up as friends I learned a lot. He wasn’t supportive in my sexuality and voted for someone I didn't expect. Not only, he kept bragging about how financially stable he was, while I sat there struggling to get from check to check.

The next relationship that really changed me, was with a guy over the internet for 2 years. I thought he was the one. I spent all of my free time on him and my phone. I stopped taking care of myself as well just to give him the time he so called deserved. It was beyond toxic. Giving him all that time took more from me and I couldn’t even pick up a pen.

Near the end of that relationship I really started to see the toxicity. Not only that, I didn’t recognize myself. When my current fiancè came into my life. He made me see what needed to be changed. He inspired me to get better. To be the best I could be. It’s still a struggle but I have made a slow start. Not to mention finding my soulmate. I can’t help it, I’m a hopeless romantic.

I slowly got back my love for writing. Started small by journal entries. Then it slowly sparked to poetry. Then short stories. Soon I was editing a story I had tried to write during my ex’s days. I found vocal by an ad on facebook. It took my best friend and my fiancè to convince me to pay the subscription and enter the challenge. I thought I took a nice twist to the prompt. I created a nice short story and got praises from my peers.

I entered and lost. My confidence was shaken. I took a step back and then tried again. Another challenge. I lost that one too. I tried to convince myself that this was a competitive …. Why would anyone praise me, and get my hopes up if I couldn’t prove that I had a chance? Did I have a chance? There are 7 billion people on the planet. How can little ol’ me have a chance? I’m no J.K Rowling.

I did try to write some non-challenge stories and got no views. I tried.

I have all these story ideas. Very hard for me to put them down, out of my head.

I tried a different kind of challenge. A playlist challenge. Thought I had a nice chance. Nope. Still nothing. Now I’m really shaken.

I know I’m a nobody. That I have a very little chance to be seen. To be recognized. I know I’m not the best but I know I’m not the worst. I do have far to go to become the best writer I can be.

I’m going to keep trying. I have hope. Though it's little and a struggle. I am going to try.