Trans-Masculine Limitless Love

Valentine's Day is tomorrow, so I decided to write about love.

Even if you don't believe in religion, 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a defines love for us.

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth."

If we used this definition as a guide, I would say love is impossible to feel or see. The words from the scripture say what love is not; I experienced those things, and I consider myself to be an extremely loving man. Does this mean, the world is not familiar with love?

Today, I know better to put limitations on love. I know love has flaws. I'm at a stage in my life, where I have experienced good, bad, and ugly love. The complexities and pain that sometimes exist from being loved and loving others.

An example of how complex love has been for me would be how difficult it has been to tolerant cousins. When I was a kid, my grandma watched all the children so people could go to work and not have to pay for childcare. One of my favorite games to play was house. The game was when kids pretended to be adults. I always wanted to play house with my cousins, it was the one chance I got to be a man without judgment.

When playing I always asked if I could be the father. The interesting thing about recalling this experience is my cousins' never asked me why I always wanted to be a male. They never teased me or asked questions about my decision to always pretend to be the opposite sex while playing our games. As an adult nobody seems to get my name and pronouns right. I share that to say, as bad as I want to say they don't love me, I know they do love me, but they don't respect me.

Love has a funny way of disappointing you, and then love will turn around to take care of you at the same time. My grandma mother passed away and to get through that I leaned on love; however love is also why it hurt so bad.

Love doesn't respect boundaries. My family members ask me questions they know are off limits. Love doesn’t respect culture, or time. Love is a planet of its own.

My journey with love is inspiring. It's a continued and spontaneous journey. I wake everyday and find ways to keep learning myself and the things that make me feel good. Love is feeling good.

Love is my emotions, experiences, and connections. I’ve been working in the LGBTQ community for almost a decade and it has helped me connect, rebuild, and restore love. The love that I experience is captive, diverse, and safe in my community. The love I receive daily is warm and accepting. Love makes me feel confident and a sense of belonging. My love is reassuring, understanding, and supportive. Over the years, I have learned to try out vulnerability because of love. I've learned to confront my fears and insecurities with my gender expression. Love helps me find empathy and self-compassion on difficult days. Love makes me feel seen and heard; even when it's too hard to receive. I cherish love. I know love. The love I know is perfect and needs no cure or remedy. Love is scary because it's unpredictable and felt intensely.

Love is something you can't quite put a finger on. Love is the stitches to your wounds. Love can close you up and keep you safe from harm's way.

I don't know what you have going on but lean on love. Lean on the things you love to do, the people who are your safety net, and the emotions that make love accessible in your body. Valentine's Day is a unique time to practice self-love, passion, and self-curiousity. I am grateful for the love I have been able to give to others and give to myself. I hope that hearing my experience with love can shed light on the multifaceted relationship that comes when you give love a chance.