The Truth Behind the Smile

Hi my name is Virginia Mae Mercey. At this moment that I am writing this, I am 19 years old. I am nit in school, but once I get my life situated, I plan on going back to study Psychology. I am currently working as a receptionist at Lake Cliff Tower Condominiums in Dallas, Texas. I was born in Mesquite, Texas, but from the moment I was born till around the age of 8, I was always moving from city to city. The was mainly the doing of my grandmother, as she couldn't stay in one place for a long period of time. After the age of 8, I have resided in Grand Prairie, Texas. I am a Pantheist, which by definition means that the entire universe is technically God, it is basically the combined substances, forces, and laws that create the universe.

I have never been the "ideal" teenager, I have never had the perfect grades, a perfect backstory, or a perfect family. Nowadays, nobody is "ideal" or "perfect", each teenager as they grow up become their own type of person, to be unique and exquisite. The one question I hate when people ask me is "describe yourself." The reason why is simple, I truly do not know myself yet, not as a human being, not as a young woman, nor as an individual. I haven't had the time to figure myself out, due to school, family, wrong selection of friends, and my back-breaking illnesses: Systemic Lupus Erythematosus (SLE), Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Tenosynovitis. The worst part of all of these is that they all target and affect my joints. I was diagnosed with SLE, September of 2019, during my senior year of high school. Soon after the other illnesses showed up.

I have always had an ideal lifestyle that I wanted to grow and create. I have always wanted to get married, have kids, and own a house. The worst part is some people don't always want the same thing. But I have always learned to adjust to the people around me. One thing about me that I absolutely hate is my anxiety and lack of confidence. It has held me back my entire life, and my self-esteem is non-existent. Slowly but surely, I am becoming a strong young woman and I have learned to not involve myself with people who do not truly care about me.

From time to time, I question my importance on this earth. If I leave and disappear one day, who will even notice or even care? As this is my personal story, I am obligated to share personal events and actions of my life. I plan on not holding back a single detail, as so many people put up a shield to avoid getting their feelings hurt or put down by others. I am done with that type of life, as nobody cares what I look like or what I wear, but I am going to say what I need to and how I say my opinion.

As everyone may realize, when a person is young and is a kid; that child's life should be easy and carefree. But there does come a time when that kid becomes a young adult, and starts to have responsibilities, whether it is a bill, a car and its insurance, or possibly even rent. That moment in time, it is just simpler and easier. As soon as the responsibilities rise and grow, that stress can overcome people.

When I was a kid, I had always made friends so easily, but I was always moving so I was always having to leave the friends I just made, to go meet new and different people. As time went on, I realized that not everyone is going to stay in my life, as for the ones who have stayed, personally they have became my family. Family has always been a huge aspect on my life that I wanted, but with the disagreements with my family and my mom, that connection completely depleted to nothing. I regret not talking to my family as I should've throughout my younger years. Maybe I would've had more support in my life or maybe I wouldn't, I will never know today. Though my mother was involved in some bad things, she had made friends along the way that in the end, they helped raise me while my mom worked at her main job.

An ever-loving woman named Christina G Hammincheese, who was my mom's best friend and her "soulmate" (not sexually). She was there for me and my mom through the hard times and the good times. She was there for me when I lost my first tooth, because my mom was working that day. She was the one person who showed me to live care-free and wild, to be strong no matter the occasion. The hardest part of this story is to acknowledge the realization of death. This woman had drove into a ditch one night, leaving a 3-year-old son named Milo. It was hard on me and my mother because this one woman had showed us both true happiness. For a long time, I couldn’t except that she had passed because it meant I would never see her again or hear her goofy laugh.

One of the other friends my mom made during our time in Mineral Wells, Texas was a teenager named Ronnie Perry. He was one of the most genuine people that I had ever got to meet. He was kind of the setting stone for my preference in men: tall, deep voice, stunning character, protective but deeply cares, family man, and funny. He was yet another person who helped raise me, he would take me and pick me up from school, and he would help me with homework. The night he took his life was unforgettable for my mom, and his death will always linger and put me in a deep, dark place. He ended it all because of a girl, and I wish he would have just stayed away from her, seeing as how she tries to text my mom, pretending to be friends. He was one of the few I thought was actually going to good in life.

My great grandmother Mary “May” Parker was one of the few people in my family that was whole-hearted and genuine. My middle name actually came from her, but it is spelled differently due to grammatical error from my grandmother. She would always sneak me candy, because I was the outcast kid in my family. I was always tormented by my cousins and practically bullied by them. She always lifted me up and defended me as much as she could. She sadly passed away and that day I found out, I could hardly breathe because she was honestly my rock. I truly believe she has came back to me as a blue butterfly. I only see one so often, but when I do it’s when I am having a hard and tearful day.

The reason I am naming all of these people is because they made me who I am today. Though I am not confident, beautiful, or strong. I am independent and grateful for every opportunity that has passed by me. Whether I accepted it or not, I am still growing as a human being and a young woman. I will never forget them as I plan on getting a Japanese cherry blossom tree on my back and dedicating the first 3 blossoms to them.

My mother she is one of the strongest women that I know, she has always been a single mother, but never fails to impress me with her strength. These last few months have been hard for her because she has a hernia, a tumor on her back, and a few things wrong with her feminine area. She still gets up everyday to clean, to cook, to go to work, to take care of my little brother. She has never given up no matter the circumstances, and prides in when she’s successful. She has been in several horrible and abusive relationships, some of them I have seen the abuse firsthand. After her 3rd DWI, she realized that it was time for a change, not only for me but for my little brother. After everything she has been through, she’s personally decided to not get involved with another person. The strength and will power of this woman continues to amaze me every day. Sometime soon, I plan on getting a matching tattoo with her. It’s a combination of an anchor and a compass: she guided me through all the hardships throughout my life and I was her anchor when it came down to her drinking problem.

People come across your life in the weirdest times, but not all of them stay or even care. God knows how many people who have came into my life, just to jump right back out of it. Like I said previously, the people who actually stick around in my life, eventually become my family.

Now for the hardest parts of my life that I've had to overcome and deal with all by myself. When I was 14, I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic and almost 300 pounds. With my family, there are several members of my family that were/are diabetic and have to take the insulin shot. Most of the time they believe that they can't help or change their situation. After 5 years of dieting and exercise, I reversed my pre-diabetic diagnosis. I went from 291 pounds to 158 pounds, but it was not easy. I was still a kid, basically a teenager, and most of the time I just wanted junk food. To deal with school, my emotions, my sadness, my depression. Food was always my escape when dealing with my emotions, which was the reason I got so big in the first place. My new escape is either working out, painting, or writing. Not everything is as good as it seems though. After losing almost 150 pounds, it has left my skin loose and not attractive. As a young woman, that is something that deeply hits my feelings as I don't feel beautiful most of the time.

After all of my success of losing weight, I was sadly diagnosed with Lupus. I had went undiagnosed for a year, dealing with unbearable pain every minute of every day. It almost seems unfair, because I worked so hard to lose weight to be healthy and then this shows up. This event really put a toll on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. Everything was different from that moment on, because I couldn't do everything that I used to be able to do. Plus, I have to take several medications to just subside the pain. The medications I take to lessen the pain, causes hair loss, depression, anxiety, potential weight gain, and several other problems. So it's a win-lose situation. Lupus is unfortunately incurable, unless future scientists come up with a potential cure. A couple of months after I was diagnosed with Lupus, my doctor determined that I also had Rheumatoid Arthritis, then a few months after that I was diagnosed with Tenosynovitis. All of these illnesses target my joints, so it's hard for me to do anything.

Long story short, I have not given up and I don't ever plan on quitting. I plan on becoming a Child Trauma Therapist for kids who have been abused, molested, raised under a house of bad influence, and kids with depression and/or anxiety. I plan on getting married and eventually have 2 kids, and one day own a house. Though I have an invisible and incurable disease, I won't let that hold me back from my full potential.