The Trash Took Itself Out

For years, I kept a secret buried in a notebook. A piece of music born in the darkest time of my life, a song that didn't have a title or even a chorus.

The Not Quite There challenge encouraged me to bring that out into the open for the whole world to see. The girl who wrote those words would have never been able to share them... but the woman she turned into did it... and she did it without fear of anyone hurting her for it.

I won't go into the full details again, but you can read about it here if you don't already know the details of that song and what it was born from.

I was young and foolish enough to think this grown man wanted to protect the child I was. His promise turned into a seven year sentence of pure Hell.

I wasn't allowed to have a job unless it was working with his family where I could be watched. The one time I acquired a job outside of that, he did everything he could to ruin it. I was working at Subway and he would come in and make comments in front of customers on how I only got the job because I "make the men get foot longs."

Fucking foul.

I ended up quitting because every day I was being publicly humiliated on top of being accused of cheating on my walk to and from work... because he was too 'busy' googling things like 'big boobs' while I was out working (ironically something else he would accuse me of when he was caught) to even drive me there and back and I wasn't allowed to even get my license, let alone a car.

For years, I was trapped in horrific abuse. Some, I have only ever disclosed to one other person, and I will probably never speak openly about.

This is a man who once held me down and threw up on me while he was drunk "by accident"... a creature so vile that my mind coped by turning inward. That 14 year old girl spent her days fantasizing about ending her life almost every day just to make the pain stop.

Eventually, I escaped. I ran as far as I could. I'd go through a lot of other stuff that would ultimately lead to the healing journey I'm currently on. And I would learn that when you have nothing left... you have nothing to lose. I used to be scared to talk. Scared of what people would think of me if they knew what I allowed. But I stopped caring about a year ago and the fire that has ignited in my chest is something I've never felt before.

I'm building a life of joy, strength, happiness, and peace. I'm unpacking all of the boxes stored up inside of my head and reacting the way certain people deserved the first time around. And I'm not sorry.

One of those boxes is that person... or maybe monster is a better word? Out of nowhere, that ghost tried to crawl back out of the grave and back into my life. Not just out of the box in my head... but into my very real and current life.

A friend suggested I start a TikTok account for my music and I did. I'm not super active there, just putting myself out there as I continue to find my voice. But one day, there he was in my notifications. He'd followed me. It was like a snake that'd been lying in the grass and watching me since 2011, waiting for the right moment to strike. All of my main socials are private except for that one... and he found it. After over a decade of NO CONTACT.

He has the absolute audacity to ask people to tell me that he just wants me to be happy.

Ew.

Bro... did you forget how you attempted to run me over with your fucking Bronco? How you abandoned me miles away from home in the middle of the woods after pretending to throw my engagement ring into Rainbow Pools? How you screamed at me while I was trying to drive on the freeway because I wasn't 'doing it right'? How you smashed my arm in the door and fractured my shoulder? How you allowed your mom to blame me for money YOU stole from her? How you accused me of cheating on you while I was at the grocery store with my aunt and said on speaker phone that I was talking like I had a mouthful of cum?

I didn't forget.

I remember it all.

The entitlement was staggering. This fuckface thought he could just slide into my digital space and reignite old trauma. I refused to even click on his profile because TikTok shows people if you view their profile, so he wouldn't even get a block out of me.

I shared a poem on my TikTok called Monster.

He viewed it. He LIKED it. I didn't know what to think. So I disappeared from TikTok and I worked. I really wanted to get my message across... and instead of a direct response or a block, I decided to give him a masterpiece.

I thought about that unfinished poem from my time on that mountain... the one about a terrified girl wanting to die.. and I handed it to this new version of me. The one who wrote this.

"Hand the pen to me, My Girl, and watch how fury flows." -Sara Wilson

So, I did. And this girl would serve as the bridge for what came next. I didn't end up burning 'The Song That Never Was', I revamped it. I exchanged a little girls tears for a wall of heavy music and a womans scream that scared my kids (and caused me to lose my voice for a few hours).

Where my chorus from the old song was missing, I wrote a new one.

That girl from before spoke about pain and death and wanting to be gone to prove to someone who never even cared that he needed her. This new one didn't give a fuck. She spoke the absolute truth and didn't want him anywhere near her. EVER.

I posted that song on my TikTok for him to hear. I didn't name him... per say, but he knew. I used an acronym for a title... and frankly, I'm not even sure he knows what that is. The whole would could now hear the absolute disgust in my voice as I laid out every piece of his pathetic, cowardly nature.

Then he took himself out like trash. He disappeared from my followers and ran back into the darkness where he belongs. He thought he was coming back to check on a victim he left broken and bleeding and instead ran into the woman who used that pain as fuel to create a beast that would smash him like a bug.

Looking back at that old poem, I know it wasn't unfinished because I was meant to die on that mountain. My story was preparing for a second act... and I'm really proud of her for using her voice to destroy the monsters around her.

You wanna hear it? Of course, I'm gonna share it!

It's a little intense... so if you'd prefer to read the lyrics, I'll include those as well. No video this time, just the song.

You can listen here:

Or if you prefer to only read the lyrics, here they are: