The Little Black Book

The Little Black Book

What a Difference a Day Makes

Morning

Being up early in the morning before any polite person would even dream of sending a text or making a call is the time Gillian liked the best. At 4:30 in the morning she no longer feels the panic that was rising up to choke her yesterday. Bills rolling in, money not. In the morning things look so much better. She cleans the house and room by room feels some relief as she restores a feeling of order. It helps to feel in control of something, even if it’s just the dirty dishes, making the bed and doing some laundry.

As if money troubles were not enough she moves on to worry about aging as she inspects her appearance in the mirror. I’m pushing 70 she thinks and I’m probably not fooling anyone by dying my hair and wearing sliced up jeans.

She performs her chores; discouraged and low on energy. Unemployment checks stopped coming more than 2 months ago and the nightmare of EDD’s recorded messages and computer generated emails was overwhelming. I’m already doing food delivery, will I have to sell my house and leave the state?

Gillian feels her anxiety deep in her gut like an engine that never stops running. How long can I go on being home alone and unable to breathe freely without a mask in public? I’d rather get Covid than live through this insanity another day. Wistfully she thinks of her previous plans to focus more on her writing but that was before she lost her job. I’d better figure something out she thinks. Her panic spirals her further down but Gillian knows this feeling. She’s been down this road before. She reminds herself that God is in charge and beings to pray fervently.

Later, feeling much more hopeful, she gathers herself up and reads her favorite mantra hanging near the front door. “Always Believe Something Wonderful is About to Happen”. She reminds herself to be grateful as she climbs into her car, activates the delivery app and starts her day.

Afternoon

What a day James Anderson thinks after his early appearance in court and now running to the bank. The next task of this probate is to open his client’s safe deposit box and distribute its contents. As executor of the estate, James is cosigner on the box but he has no idea what to expect. He only knows that his client had given specific instructions for today.

He arrives at the bank, fills out the signatory form and follows the teller into the vault. With both keys inserted the box opens easily and the contents slide out in another narrow metal box. The teller directs James to a private room with an automatic ceiling light. He closes the door, places the box on the desk, lifts the lid and finds inside a slim black Moleskin journal, a sealed envelope with the name and address of one Gillian Cameron and a second envelope containing $20,000 cash. He carefully removes the contents and places them in a large slim leather folio and calls the teller to take the now empty box back to the vault to await its fate. Per his client’s instructions, the folio of cash and the journal must be delivered to its intended recipient before the end of the day.

Evening

What an exhausting day Gilian thinks as she pulls into her driveway. 3 hours delivering food at lunchtime, another 3 for the early dinner rush, 2 ‘almost’ car accidents, one food spill and only 2 tips later she finally finishes her day. As she reaches her front door, she looks down and sees the corner of a black folio poking out from under the front door mat.

Inside, she kicks her shoes off, pours a glass of wine and settles down on the sofa. She dumps the contents of the folio out onto the cocktail table and Oh My God! What is this? An envelope with cash?! She quickly fans the bills out to count. It only takes seconds to realize she is holding $20,000!

With her heart beating out of her chest, Gillian sets the cash aside and opens the envelope addressed to her in the shaky script of an elderly hand. She sits back, takes a sip of her wine and reads:

Dear Gillian,

You do not know me and I dare say you do not even know OF me but I have been following your progress since the day you were born. Being your father has been one of the most wonderful secret pleasures of my life, so I hope you can forgive me when I tell you that whatever your mother said to the contrary, you are mine; a child of a rape I committed when I was very young, drunk and crazy on speed. Your mother was completely innocent. I stalked her as she walked to and from school and I don’t know why I did it; she was just so beautiful and I knew she would never look at me. You were better off not knowing me but I never wanted you to suffer because of it.

I know you’ve been struggling, so I leave this bit of money for you and there is much more to come. I’ve put together a nest egg and all of it is yours. Don’t try to find me. If you’re reading this, I’m already in the ground. This is one of my few attempts to make amends for my criminal behavior. I want you to pursue your dreams and not worry about money anymore. No matter what has happened to you so far, you must be grateful for your life no matter how you came into being.

I only ask that you take this money and use your time well. Take this notebook and fill it with stories about the important people in your life. Begin with a list of each name that comes to mind. Write about these people and what you learned from them Gillian, whether it be good or bad. Be brave my girl. Be honest with your words. When you least expect it, more money will arrive at your doorstep. Soon it will be money from publishers too. My attorney has instructions to guide you and help you reach your goal. He will be in touch soon. Whatever you do, keep writing.

I’m your Dad and I love you.

Night

Gillian carefully folds the letter and places it back in the envelope. She opens the little black notebook again, savoring the feeling of its cover and its smooth white pages. Tears roll down her cheeks as she thinks about what her mother must have gone through all this time keeping secrets.

Her mother had never been willing to answer questions. In fact, it was made clear that questions on the subject of who her father was were not allowed. She thought of the silent treatment she’d been given whenever she asked. All her life she felt rejected by her mother but could never understand why. Asking never made it better.

Suddenly Gillian realizes that instead of crying she should be celebrating her good fortune and quickly dries her tears. It’s important to be grateful for your blessings. With $20,000 lying in front of her and the prospect of much more, Gillian realizes she doesn’t need to worry any longer about wasting time or being afraid of the future. She looks down at the beautiful notebook in her hands and realizes she is about to embark on fulfilling her creative dreams. No more excuses. With excitement and a touch of fear, she picks up her favorite pen and turns to the first empty page. She begins to create her list.