The grass wasn't greener

I have written here for 9 years and it still doesn’t feel like home. I don’t consider myself a “writer” although I do put words on a page. I have always claimed that I write to express, not impress and I still believe that to be true.

I have tried out a few other platforms, but none fit. One in particular, that was horrifying for me, made me stop writing altogether for a long time. The comments and personal messages I received broke me. Cruel things said about me and my writing journey. Some even shocking!

So I came back here. At least here I felt safe.

I got a top story once, which was exciting. It gave me the push I needed to continue. I write a lot about my life, my losses, my accomplishments and my relationship. Some stories were painful to put into words but it gave me a sense of relief and strength just to write it down. Some were sad and heartfelt. Others were my way of saying things I couldn't say out loud. 

Being diagnosed with cancer a little over a year ago put me in a frame of mind where writing stopped all together. That’s when I probably should've written but couldn’t. Encouragement for me has really only come from one person, the only man in my life who pushed me to write and express, who was my number 1 fan, who was excited with every story or poem I had written. My partner, my best friend and the love of my life.

Yet somehow I let him down when I stopped writing. I went back to some of the old platforms to see if things had changed, sadly they had not changed much. I should also mention that I write erotica, which I have removed from this platform because it was not accepted well by others, so now it just feels “dirty” to me. I want to express that I don’t write for the money, I never have. I write for the purpose of knowing that even if only 1 person reads my story or poem and it touches them somehow, that to me is satisfying.

So here I am…back at Vocal once more.

After 10 months of being away, it was time to come back. A new beginning, a new day. Although not a lot has changed here while I was gone, it still feels comfortable. Maybe I will never find the perfect home but they say “home is where the heart is” and my heart keeps coming back here. I believe in destiny and fate so just maybe I am destined to be a shadow amongst many rising stars. There are so many top notch writers here that the words I write sometimes feel childish and silly. I never expected to be the one who writes a book that becomes a #1 best seller, i just wanted a home to plant my feet firmly in, surrounded by “family”. 

I just love to write! About anything and everything around me. I don’t want the pats on the back, the good job, the high fives, I just want to be relatable to someone. For just one piece to hit someone the way it hit me when I wrote it. Vocal is probably the closest thing I know to a home, I think ill stop searching and unpack my belongings. 

Thank you for reading this and I assure you, there will be more to come. Now I will click my glass ruby slippers and repeat “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home”.

G.