The Good Freaks

Dear Corporate Freaks of America,

Are you high?

I ask this in all sincerity and with the utmost respect because I simply can't wrap my head around what a shitshow the American workplace is today. After graduating from university, it didn't take long to see just how perverted corporations in America treat the workplace and their employees. I'd heard about the drudgery of minimum wage jobs, like fast-food service, and I always assumed those jobs sucked because of the work itself and the small paycheck, but I was wrong. These jobs suck because of you, Corporate America, and your belief in keeping workers at arm's length, treating them like potential threats to your security. What the hell?

So, what are you keeping us from? Why do you feel the need to hold us back? Is it the privilege and glam of executive life? Are you simply trying to protect the money you rake in off people's backs? Girl, I feel like I'm gleaning the fields when I receive that piss poor paycheck. Am I Ruth? Am I a poor widow forced to leave the land of Moab, just trying to survive? Don't tell me you haven't read your Bibles. You do donate heinous amounts of money to the "Religious Right" after all.

I've been wondering, did y'all collectively decide that pitting yourselves against your own workforce, corporate vs. employee, was a good idea or are you just too lazy to invest in people beyond the bare minimum of a paycheck? I hate to break it to you but calling your entry-level employees "partners" or some other cute term is about as sincere as your commitment to a "healthy work environment" with a manipulative and abusive manager. It's almost as if you think your employees can't smell bullshit. "I'm a partner in this company. No, I don't hold any power whatsoever. No, I don't really have benefits or vacation days. No, I can't talk to my manager about problems at work because he/she has the emotional intelligence of a teenager. But I'm a partner..."

I keep wondering, how long do you think such a relationship can last before your workforce is completely demoralized and bitterly angry? Recently, we all saw how Kellogg's engages in what could best be described as "self-abuse." America's favorite food company was helped founded by John Harvey Kellogg, a man so fearful of sex and masturbation he recommended circumcision for all boys without anesthetic as a great deterrent for this most evil of deeds.

Today, Kellogg's treats their workers like slaves, justifying their brutal and inhumane scheduling with, "Well, we pay you a lot." And when their workers had the nerve to ask for normal, sustainable schedules and better benefits, they were all fired. Perhaps Kellogg's grueling schedules and lack of time off is just another in a long list of anti-masturbatory practices. I was chatting with Tony the Tiger the other day and he said something that really stuck with me: "They're grrross!"

This is why I asked if you're all high. And I don't mean high on marijuana, an herb that can help with creative thinking, because obviously whatever it is you're smoking isn't helping you think beyond the tips of your own noses.

Have any of y'all heard about the Law of Attraction? It's a law of metaphysics that states that whatever you put out into the world, you get back ten-fold. So, I can't stop wondering what you people are thinking as you inject misery, injustice, poverty, and abuse into the world. Do you really think this is going to ensure your own success in the future? If the product of your business and your workplace is disillusionment and discouragement, you can bet that's what you'll be enjoying in the future yourselves.

Did you know that when you lift up the lowest of the low, magically, everyone else rises, too? If companies were to actually implement this concept of supporting and empowering their employees beyond a mere fake title, they would create a stronger company, and yet they don't. It's obvious Corporate America is violently obsessed with its own success, so why are you crippling yourselves by demoralizing your own employees?

Terrible pay for backbreaking work is demoralizing. Answering to a manager who's emotionally and intellectually incompetent is demoralizing. Receiving no support whatsoever from HR is demoralizing. Being overworked or underworked is demoralizing. Receiving abuse from the general public (in the case of the service industry) is demoralizing. Having no benefits or vacation time is demoralizing. Being told we don't deserve a living wage is demoralizing. Knowing your own company, the employer you've dedicated your time and energy to, considers you disposable, is demoralizing. And yet here you are, continuing this psychosis as if public opinion won't someday turn on you, and it already has.

Our society has grown to the point where we don't appreciate slavery anymore. I know you wish you could turn back the clock to the good ol' days of the Industrial Revolution, but we're moving forward whether you like it or not.

Britney is free, the Age of Aquarius has begun, and we're in the Return of Pluto for the United States. Do you know what this means, Corporate America? This means the good kinds of freaks will be coming out the woodwork. The freaks who feel empathy for others. The freaks who want to see their entire communities succeed. The freaks who can envision a better future for everyone, something you've failed miserably at. These are the freaks who know their worth. The freaks who want to live in freedom and joy. These are our demands, and no, we won't be negotiating.

Thank you so much for your time.