The Cage of a small business owner

I know that I am not supposed to be here.

The typical 9-5 job has never been meant for me. I just do it to help pay the bills. I have a business, and it's been going for 9 years almost.

Is it self-sustaining yet? No.

Will it ever be? I hope.

I will not give up on it.

But each day that turns into years...going on 5 years that I continue to work here at this dispensary, and it kills me. My inspiration, my drive and my discipline are fading in and out.

The job itself is not bad, but the people, nay the children I work with and for make me despise everything about this place.

I have seen almost everyone come and go in this store. I am one of the 3 people that have been here for 5 years or longer.

5 years, 4 store remodels.

5 years, 0 pay raises.

5 years 3 different managers.

Friends I have made are long gone and living better lives, or at least better careers.

8 years I have been working at my business.

8 years of going through ideas and creations, perfecting them.

8 years of not giving up.

What is it that is holding my back from my big break through?

What have I been doing wrong.

What am I missing?

I've gotten help from fellow business planners and taken courses in content creation and digital marketing. I apply it to my business, but the difference is very little. I try to get a job in this field because I am passionate about it and know about it but the only real experience, I have is in my own business, so others are not confident in hiring me.

Am I doing too much?

Am I creating too much?

I create to meditate.

I create to stop my mind.

I share to help others.

I share to share.

Is it enough?

I dream of waking up when I choose. Moving my body. Nourishing it. Loving my husband. Keeping my home together and create all day. Share my work all day. Go to markets and sell. Train at night.

I know I am not meant to stay here at this dead-end job forever. But forever is becoming all to real.

So much so that my body is rejecting being here.

I cannot leave.

I need to have a secure type of income to help pay bills. I cannot just leave because I am unhappy, under-paid and under-appreciated.

3 years I have been applying to jobs. All kinds and have only gotten maybe 6 interviews. I know

My body has never felt at its weakest at this point. Catching up to all the unhappiness I feel and toxicity. I try to stay positive and tell myself positive things but each rejection and each passing week of nothing changing I lose more and more hope.

I try to not let it affect me when I go home or affect my husband and I but it is beginning to.

I know I am meant for bigger and better things than where I am at now, but I can't just quit and see what happens. I need the income security.

So for now, I stay here driving too long for work to a job that I have been at for too long with no promotions and children co-workers.

Trapped.

Unable to free myself.

Unable to do something more fulfilling or at least something that pays me better.

I dream of the day that I wake up with a slow quiet morning. Make my way to the gym with no time clock pushing me to rush out. Making my way home to shower, make a nourishing breakfast. Savor and really enjoy my coffee.

Work on my art.

Create my social media posts.

Work on my website and grow.

Care for my house if needed, run errands when I need to. Prepare food for my husband and get ready to train at night. Able to go to bed happy and fulfilled and excited for the next day of creation. Not dreading waking up forcing myself to do what I have to do.

I was not ever meant for this 9-5 job life.

I was not meant to be bossed around by someone or yelled at by patrons.

I just wasn't.

Psychics may not be for everyone or whatever, but before I was born a psychic told my mom that she would have a daughter that would open her own business at the age of 23. From Her Eyes was opened and created November 2017 when I was 24. I have been in business technically for 9 years and it is still not my full-time job. Well, I guess you could call it that since I think about my business and how to help it 24/7. It is just not a paid job.

All my other small business friends seem to have it together or have it as a full-time job, but they offer more needed or more of a necessity type product and mine is seen as an extra or a splurge.

I am a strong Latina, educated business owner and I will make it.