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Suggestions For a Better Workplace and Worldwide Corporate Community

by Wade Wainio 2 years ago in satire

Parody? Barely.

An accurate representation.

Want your creative juices to flow through your workplace like the blood through a corporate behemoth (or the river of slime flowing under NYC in Ghostbusters 2)? Well, I have a slew of handy pointers to lob at you like so many grenades of efficiency and guidance. Before I begin, know this: My first two points are for the Elite members of society, so normal people should just skip these suggestions. That's right, scroll past them...nothing to see here, folks!

Elites Only Section:

Elite Point 1: Okay, Elite, you know one thing for sure: $ $ $ $! You need it. You crave it. It makes you aroused. Over half the time it's what you're thinking about. That is okay. It's perfectly normal. However, there are hapless cretins and savages out there who want a more "open source" society, where cash isn't the main consideration. Dangerous to your wealth? Of course! You know others exist as a solid base for you to build off of, so keep 'em in line! It's never truly the place nor time to discuss all their skills and hard work in the context of their needing more compensation. Go do that only as a last resort, when you've exhausted your options (or especially when they seem ready to set your house on fire).

Elite Point 2: Create a new social/workplace module for Elites to promote their God-given grace

As a member of the Elite, find an activity in the local community, promote it, make money off of it, then scrap it when it doesn't produce quite enough cash and PR for your liking. Prove to people that you can be trusted with their hard-earned cash, but also that you have limited interest in sustaining their dumb little cultural outlets (the best of both worlds!).

Also, make sure everything in your town/city costs money, so pesky youths won't have any hangout spots that are not corporate in nature. Let those kids know who's boss and that they must pay for literally everything! In fact, if you can charge them for their footsteps upon the very earth they tread, why not? Cha-ching! Imagine: Every footstep generating income FOR YOU? Why hasn't this happened yet?! Get on it and prosper, you elite go-getter, you!

Okay, here's the regular people section for the peons (they also get less bold letters and headings because of what they are).

Possible Points For Normal People — Choose the Ones That Work For You!

1. Encourage people to talk to you, listen to you, ask for some help and help others. This one is pretty basic, but it's a great way to gain knowledge and make contacts. However, you should only exert minimal effort in the process yourself, lest you be winded by the end of the workweek by compassion burnout. This is more about symbolic gestures. Plus, do you really care about all those people? Do they care about you? Probably not. You're there for a paycheck and to look good, not to create genuine social bonds. So care, but do so minimally.

2. Have issues with a co-worker? Whisper about them to your other co-workers, but don't let your higher-ups in on it (unless they're cool). They are officially responsible for solving issues and troubleshooting, but it's best to work out a resolution quietly, while also building a character analysis of your other co-worker's faults, too. Also, this makes the work week go by faster, transforming personal issues into a game. How fun!

3. Feel alienated because your co-workers all seem like vicious strangers who border on being pests or a selfish nest of vipers? Consider getting to know them the easy way: Follow them around after work! This won't be for everyone, but there are possible advantages. By being familiar with their personal lives, you will surely better understand their hangups during their professional life. In order to get the most info possible, follow the co-worker(s) with a small notepad and track their behaviors. Go through their trash, learn their favorite restaurants, etc. Fair warning: You'll want to keep it low-profile, so as to not embarrass them or put them on the spot upon being noticed.

If the problems persist and you're still feeling uninformed, follow their friends and relatives, too. What a way to build a comprehensive picture! Fair warning #2: You'll want to carry some kind of weapon with you. Being obtuse in nature, they might not understand your efforts to understand them. In fact, they may wrongly assume you're operating on some base impulses. Their distrust only represents the era we live in, which is unfortunate but good.

4. Share grievances with your workplace over social media, because every workplace wants to feel social.

5. One of the most popular ways to get attention in the workplace is by being funny or creative. If people see others doing this and say "this person has an amazing sense of humor" or "this person has an amazing sense of creativity," don't you get jealous? Of course, you do! So, on that note, transform your workplace into a nonstop laugh-a-thon!

Don't just dress as another boring, tie-and-suit working stiff! Instead, dress up in the most laughable way possible. Wear a lampshade hat, a Freddy Krueger glove and a fake suit-and-tie T-shirt! Wear a "coon-skin" cap, a monocle, and randomly tape a bag of Twizzlers to your arm! Call people "douchebags" and "jagoffs." A bad joke is better than no joke, and there's always room in the clown-car, even for the Grumpy Gus's and Debbie Downers.

6. If you're a top player among your team, you probably have the best accent when you talk. Others might be at the bottom of the ladder, due partly to a different-sounding accent. Now, we're not asking you to be rude here, so don't worry. Downplay such eccentricities to people's faces but let them inform your judgment otherwise. There's nothing wrong with this. People who pronounce things wrong are probably just trying to be funny, so it's okay to dismiss them a little bit mentally when they speak to you.

7. Admit when you're wrong, sometimes, strategically.

8. In your hourglass of work-life, every minute you spend thinking about a work task is a lost opportunity. We've all asked these questions: "How can I avoid making mistakes?" "How can I avoid myself?" Want an age-old, tried-and-true trick? Most workplaces contain a small janitorial closet. Go in there during these troubled times until you've worked your troubles out. You'll be glad that you did! However, try not to thrash around or yell too loudly, as it may prove distractive to your co-workers.

9. Considering dating a co-worker? Well, you should be willing to do an interview. Write a detailed description of why you'd be a good fit for the job. Consider meeting at a local coffee shop to have a coffee or a pub that serves food. I promise it'll make your job search that much more memorable. (By the way, you don't necessarily have to sign an NDA before you have coffee. Also, if the job posting hasn't been around for a week, you can more easily arrange to meet at a coffee shop.) If you sleep with your boss, be sure to ask for that raise!

10. If a co-worker seems overly stressed and shares personal problems with you, remind them that you're always there. You don't really have to do anything, either. Just say that, in so many words. Remember: It's all about keeping up those appearances, not about putting yourself through their emotional roller-coaster.

Plus, if you get too involved, it'll potentially go from their roller-coaster to possibly putting your neck on the chopping block. Whack! Into the company's wastepaper basket your head rolls, and for what? Fleeting moments of feeling good about yourself? Bah! You'll feel better when that paycheck rolls in, which is jeopardized by expressing any human emotion and sentiment. Empathy is a weakness, and it's a cut-throat dog-eat-dog world. They don't need softies in their employ. It's called a workplace, not a care place!


Wade Wainio

Wade Wainio writes stuff for Show Snob, Undead Walking,, Vents Magazine and Haunted MTL. He is also an artist, musician and college radio DJ for WMTU 91.9 FM Houghton.

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