So this is called "Customer Service?" Seriously?

You just purchased something that you've been wanting for a while. You've done your homework and read up on all the amazing features that come with the new toy that you just purchased. The reviews were terrific, and you thought to yourself, "I can't go wrong". You read about "how easy it is to assemble", "how your satisfaction is guaranteed", "how it's easier than ever to use", blah, blah, blah.

Maybe you bought a new "smart" phone that you can talk to, a refrigerator that you can talk to, or a nice big flat screen TV with all the latest technological features...that you can talk to. (do you see a pattern here?)

Isn't technology a beautiful thing? Well, not so fast. Yes and No. "Yes" if all goes well and "No" if there's a problem. Enter Customer Service.

There's a problem with your new item and while you can "talk to it", "it" (the item) can't solve the problem!" That can only be accomplished by talking to a person. A LIVE person. Not a Robot, a real person who can hopefully solve the issue. Hold on. No, I mean literally, "Hold on"...the phone!

Speaking from my own experiences, it usually goes something like this. You dial the "Toll Free" Customer Service number. (Imagine if you had to pay for the pain you're about to be put through?) A recording comes on that instructs you to "Push 1 for this and 2 for that and 5 for this or you can stay on the line and a Customer Service Representative will be with you shortly. Your estimated wait time is 20 minutes". Now you get to listen to some real shitty music. It's painful. And every 3 minutes or so, the recording breaks in to let you know that; "your call is important, please hold on, and a representive will be with you shortly, thank you for your patience". (as if you have a choice) After 27 minutes (they lie) of torture, you get another message that says; "This call will be recorded for quality control and training purposes". Quality Control? this implies that the next time you call, the "quality" of the call is going to be much better. Ahhh, I don't think so. It sounds good in theory.

Now you hear a ring which means a "real live person" is about to pick up the phone. "Hello, this is Aishwarya, can I help you?" You say, "hi Assywanna, my name is Louie and I just bought one of your TV's and I can't seem to get the control to work". She replies, "Ok Loonie, let me transfer you to someone in that department who will be happy to assist you". You: "It's Louis, not Loonie", Her: "Ok Loonie, would you mind while I put you on a brief hold?" You: "I guess, go ahead". Her: "Thank you so much". More music ensues. You want to hang up, but the thought of having to possibly going through this excercise again is already giving you an anxiety attack. "No way", you say to yourself.

After a "brief" 7 or 8 minutes, a nice young guy who is an expert at butchering the English lanquage comes on and says, "hello Mr. Louie, diz iz Bosco, how ya doin?" You: "um, not so good Bosco". Him: "I'm sorry to hear dat Mr. Louie, lemme see if I can help you wit ya problem, wat seem to be da trouble Mr. Louie?" You: "Well, I can't get the control to work". Him: "Which control you usin', iz it da Black one Mr. Louie?" You: "is there another one?". Him: "No Mr. Louie, but I just have to ask that question". You: "OK, what's next?" Him: "OK, Mr. Louie, did you put the batteries in and are they sized tribble A?" You: "Ahh yeah". (Mind you, this is all being recorded "for quality control") Him: "I see Mr. Louie", Ok, is there a signal coming to your cable box?" You: "How the hell do I know?" Him: "Well Mr. Louie is the blue light on and is it flashing?" You: "No. Is this gonna take long?" Him: "no sir Mr. Louie, but do ya mind if I put you on hold, I gotta aks my supervisor about this". You: "You know what Bosco, nevermind, I'll read the book again and try to figure it out myself". Him: "Ok Mr. Louie is there anythin' elsz I can help ya wit today? You: "No, thanks for your help". Him: "Ok Mr. Louie, Would you mind staying on the line for a quick Customer Satisfaction Survey? It will only take a few minutes". You: "Sure." CLICK.

This next one actually happened to me a few months ago. I moved my residency from Florida to New Jersey. I had to change my Health Insurance Company because the company I was insured with in Florida did not operate in New Jersey. So, I go online and look at a few companies and I find one that sounds really good, very affordable, (as insurance companies go) a low deductible, comprehensive, a good list of doctors accept this Insurance, good prescription plan. So I call.

The recording comes on, push A for this, push B for that, and on and on. It's amazing that when you get to: "Push C to sign up for a Policy", how fast the call gets picked up. NO WAIT, NO MUSIC. AWESOME! OK, Let's go!

A courteous woman comes on and she says, "I believe we have a great Plan for you, what state are you calling from?" I say, "New Jersey". How does she know she has a "great plan for me" before she knows what state I'm calling from? Anyway, she continues, "I'll have to ask you a few questions, is that OK?". I say, "Sure, no problem, go right ahead".

Now, a 15 minute conversation ensues and I won't bore you with the questions, most of them legitimate and a few idiotic, one of which was, "have you ever had suicidal thoughts?" And I thinking to myself, if "I did have suicidal thoughts, would it be a good idea to tell them?" So after a nice conversation, all in English of course, she says to me; "Ok then Frank, I will need to send you a form to fill out, what is your preferred language?" I was tempted to say, "Swaheli", but I didn't.

I know she is just reading off of a script, and that's her job, but c'mon! I can't help but wonder if the person who is listening to all of this for "quality control" of this is laughing or sleeping!